liberalism - what did you say what?

LanternLight might not really like my not letting go hold of some madman (?!?) and he might also dislike this entry, but I still don't see why was this fellow banned from boarding. Was it the cynicism? The 'bravery' to criticize someone who's at the very top? The political side of his views? Sorry, but do please throw some light on this matter. If I were an airport security officer I would laughed at him and let him go. He's crazy, we're all crazy, so what.

The above text is a copy of the comment I made over LanternLight's blog.

Your turn:

So what?

it seems that Blogger has decided to make my blog turn into the new version. Not caring about me not wanting it, me, being a maniac conservative about things. This pisses me off.

Would you like to have more photos from the Budapest cave?

wonders of caves

UPDATE: Now we all can spot the polar bear. The photo was made on January 27, in one of the caves of Budapest. According to experts, Budapest has so many caves underneath the city that it makes it the capital of caves, too. (Budapest is the capital of Hungary.)

This cave is called the 'Szemlőhegyi-barlang' (The cave of the Szemlő hill). The temperature is a perennial 12 degrees centigrade. The air is so clean and full of moist that it is suitable to cure asthma and other diseases of the respiratory system.

According to the international definition, these kind of stone formations are called 'popcorn-stones'. Hungarian scientist however, call these pea-stones, or cauliflower-stones. We walked for an hour among these beauties. Artificial light makes the stones even more wonderful. (and visible, because othervise there is totally dark inside here).

Hi out there,

how do you like me being a psycho?

Just after saying I will not be around for a while due to some inner reasons, I really will not be available, due to reasons beyond my control. Whoa!

You know I have a job to do, a translation. It's called Currently available educational and counseling services for farmers and whole-sale managers – an outline

Don't tell me it's not that you ever dreamed of getting know more precisely?
If you don't like the title I will post it in its entirety. It is 7 pages and I'm translating it from Hungarian to English.
In the meantime, I'm back to good old Janis. Enjoy while I'm working for money.

On Saturday we are visiting two of the Budapest caves. I hope to bring a photocamera along with me to share you the experience.

Take care.

crossroads

It seems that nothing makes sense, neither way is good.

It's either to wake up or to fall asleep. Sleepwalking is not a solution.

I have nothing else to say as of now. I will be away for a while.

This is what I'm listening at the moment. Melissa Etheridge: Breathe

a winter story

How and where I lost the track
that leads to you remains a mistery
I'm going round and round in
the fog seeing no sunshine over me

I slowly draw out my hands into space to feel
The warmth of love that used to be here
Blanketed in tears, embraced by fears I find
A shivering, frosty, empty me

a little piece of Janis Joplin

on kinesiology

This entry should not in any way be considered as a scientific source of information in this subject. I am not a therapist! I was and still am a subject of this kind of therapy, though. That's why I'm writing this, mainly for one of my friends has asked me about it. This entry is based on my experiences.

What makes one undergo such a therapy?

Why do you seek professional help? Let's not discuss it here. Why did I choose this particular therapy? There have been great reflections on this kind of therapy within my greater family: They told me how effective it was, how everything went right so I felt comfortable with going to check for myself.

I also choose this b/c I do not really believe in modern psychiatry. When giving drugs is the only alternative (I'm making it too plain, I know) that is simply not a solution for me. Not an intelligent one at that.

I chose this b/c I believe in its deeper explanations.

What's the idea behind?

1. The things you do, experience by senses and otherwise, peoples and events - they do not leave you unaffected. The consequences are sometimes easy to detect sometimes more subtle.

2. When you find the root of a problem deep within, you yourself will be able to notice and detect it. The solution is within you but of course, you must cooperate. Surprisingly or not, your deep inner self is more often than not strives to lead a happy and fulfilling life. One that leads to the right development. The solution you find should and will come from yourself and from yourself alone, b/c one is able to heal him/herself.

3. We all have our deep opinion about things, ourselves, the way we act in certain situations, various people and facts, and so on. This opinion within us is not always clearly known even for ourselves. No matter how deep we try to hide, it's there. And can be shown with careful examination. Basic instincts, deep beliefs can be turned to the outside. Surprising but real facts.

4. It is not suitable for those who can not think beyond the restrictions of our humanly bodies. It does involve some spiritualism.

What do you do once you're there?

You come up with a problem and the therapist tries to find the reason. When and what went wrong? What happened? What impedes you from achieving this, understanding that and so on?

The therapist than tests your reaction. S/he may give you certain things. I've tried 4 therapists and they all had different methods. One operates with cards like a tarot card and together with the patient s/he describes the meaning. One gives Bach flower droplets to heal the 'wounds'. You might want to google on those homeopathic essences somewhere. My knowledge is limited. One combines more methods at a time, according to the patient's special need. Others work other ways. The method is always tested by the therapist.

The testing is based on a simple method. It is so simple that many people question its validity or credibility. For me, there are no questions regarding its being correct, but people are different. It goes like this. If you believe a statement to be true your muscles are firm. 'You stand out for your rights'. Disagreement on the other hand, implies withdrawal, rejection. Your muscles are released, loose. Most therapists use the arm or hand muscles.

When the solution is found you'll be given mantras (repetitive words or sentences) to keep you remember to develop yourself.

Any questions? Go ahead in the comments section.

re-doing the same, but improved test

Keda supplied me with more questions to the meme I've done a couple of days ago. Her list contains 150 questions. Some of my friends have already done this test, but now it is more complete. I re-wrote the answers, but for the original test, go over here.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain (some of the peaks of the High Tatras)
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive, no but drove a tractor.
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candle lit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree - yes……I've hugged many, but for most of the time, I'm just touching them as if holding hands with a person

10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower - shooting stars are meteors, aren't they?
23. Been drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb - no, but piglets, hens and mice: yes
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day.

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states -I've covered like 20 I assume - I'm too lazy to calculate
41. Taken care of someone who was really drunk
42. Had amazing friends I still have

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

44. Watched wild whales - do sealions count?
45. Stolen a sign - that is dangerous and is still is against the law. Were I born male, I would surely become a policeman.
46. Backpacked in Europe

47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero

58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud - who did not in his/her childhood?
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (it took me some time to figure out it is supposed to mean Dungeons and Dragons. I know the game from the book ET.)

72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie - a home made one
74. Crashed a party
75. Been divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice - no, but I rode the motorized equivalent of it.
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River - no, but I'm planning to go rafting this spring

82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu
89. Had a one night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone

93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship - I remember now, it was a sightseeing tour of Amsterdam.
95. Spoken more than one language fluently

96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children - I'm not finished with it yet :)
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge - no, but have seen it in person
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking

103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication - does my blog count?
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike

112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild - those are unparrallelled!
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery - I had my vermicular appendix removed when I was 13. It was decomposed to pieces.

120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon - we did not have that much time and I am sorry for being such a lame and lazy ass.

122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi.
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach - no, but in the University hostel we had tonnes of them. Ew.

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey.

135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - I, the butcheress do that regularly
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language at the Terra Madre event with someone who only spoke Spanish
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair - I wanted though when I was at the University

147. Been a DJ (backseat and private in my living room)
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident - no, but once I was hit by a car when I rode a bike
150. Saved someone's life

How long will I be around, counting days to come
turning my mind over and over -
I don't even think about it.
Upon hearing a cockoo in the woods
I do not wish to let it linger for ever
standing within the creek I listen and I know when it's over -
it's gone when it's not there anymore
andwhen the Sun rises
I do not ask where it comes from
the heat is there, the spirit is there with me
and that's all I have to know
and it's gone when it's not there anymore....
For he who starts searching me will reach me and he who knows my name will not ever loose me. The Keeper of Fires greated me with a smile -

First there was the silence
then I opened my eyes and began watching
the endless flickering of everything around
I grew hungry and wanted more
only to realize that
hunger has always been with me
and that it's not my first set of meals
not that it's the last one, either -
and so I started the journey
within and spaces beyond.

Photos were made in May 2006 by me in various places around lake Balaton. For more photos, you might want to go back to see the archives.

Some explanation to the texts above: The beginning of the past week found me depressed, again. I searched for the root and find that not seeing a clear purpose caused me the trouble. I felt pointless and hopelessly small. Then at some point I found that although the path is not clear I might as well enjoy treading it. No matter how blurred my vision is, I am on a path.

Weekend report

Part One:
War of Fortresses.

I lost. What else did you expect, really? 10 yo boys are brilliant at building and protecting fortresses - not meaning that they are bad at aiming guns and handling artillery in general. Not at all. They excel in those areas, too.

Part Two:

Saturday Meeting of Great Brains.

(the title of the event is given by me, although my-not-much-of-a-genius entity was present as well. But I don't matter much.)

My part: I cooked a meat soup (using a young rooster and lots of organic vegetables). I also brought some candles to represent the spiritual fire among the people. My active part sort of ended along these things.... I was in the same room with people whose books I read. What else can one possibly say? They discussed and talked about various things and I listened like a sponge. Wait, how exactly does a sponge listen? Nevermind.

My husband, who sometimes keeps lectures on similar issues was also so overwhelmed by the sensation that we were hardly able to sleep afterwards. We left the place a bit tired at 7pm, but were unable to fall asleep until 1,30 am in Sunday.

Part Three:

The butcheress

(tell me right if there's no such a word. And anyway, please correct my grammatical mistakes. I have to tell you though that I'm so in love with the word 'butcheress' that you've gotta have some serious reasoning to put me off.)

Earlier I had to slaughter some of our hens - some due to a predator's visit in December, some due to a sudden illness and so on. Those animals were somehow sick or misfitted into the bunch of our healthy flock. Now this rooster was old, but physically healthy. I had to say some prayers to relax my own nerves. But keeping animals for eating does involve some slaughter here and there. Take it or leave it. I had to accommodate to this and I did so. For the sake of the weak-hearted let's not get into more details, shall we?

Part Four:

Sleeping

What?

I fell asleep at 1,30 am and was awake by 4,30 to handle that little job with the rooster.

weekend forecast

Castle fight, cannonade. The aim is to kill all of the enemy's soldiers within its castle.

(photo was made on November 25, 2005.) Now the old flame has not perished: my kids love building and decorating wooden fortresses of various kinds just as much as they did one and a half years ago. We have tonnes of wooden particles and those millions of plastic animals serve as soldiers, commandants, artillerists and beautiful mademoiselles.

This is my basic forecast for this weekend.

Apart from the fight, there will be a big meeting of same minded people, a gathering, if you please, where we discuss various themes. It is rather an informal meeting, where we talk about Hungarian history, old religion and the things we do nowadays.

And on Sunday, we are going to buy a new rooster for our hens, as we want to replace the old one. Unfortunately I can not document it with photos, not yet. The old rooster is a Japanese one and it has to go. It will make a nice paprika stew. So, besides hosting the event and loading cannons in the war of fortresses I will also be the butcheress of the Japanese rooster.

credits go off to air

I don't remember where have I seen this. I'm sorry. The thing is that you bold the line that applies to you. I played with the thought of writing a similar, 100-item list, where I would bold every single line. I could not resist writing my comments in colors, though.

100 Things (I’ve done those in bold)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive - no, but drove a tractor!
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it!
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s nappy - hundreds of thousands times.
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon - only in a helicopter
22. Watched a meteor shower - no, but have seen a shooting star
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb - no, but piglets and hens, yes
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden on a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
9. Visited all 7 states and territories in Australia
40. Taken care of someone who was drunk (some can be hard work)
41. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
42. Watched wild whales
43. Stolen a sign - now, that is against the law.
44. Backpacked in Europe it1s not a big deal, I'm in Europe
45. Taken a road-trip
46. Gone rock climbing
47. Midnight walk on the beach
48. Gone sky diving
49. Taken a train through Europe
50. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
51. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table, and had a meal with them (no tables, what to do?)
52. Milked a cow - with a machine
53. Alphabetized your CDs - no, but my videotapes were once labelled according to codes
54. Sung karaoke
55. Lounged around in bed all day
56. Gone scuba diving
57. Kissed in the rain
58. Gone to a drive-in theatre
59. Started a business
60. Taken a martial arts class
61. Been in a movie - do home made ones count?
62. Crashed a party
63. Gone without food for 5 days - I sometimes do a fruit and juice day, though
64. Gotten a tattoo
65. Got flowers for no reason
66. Performed on stage - does prom dance count?
67. Been to Las Vegas
68. Recorded music - does a home microphone count?
69. Eaten shark - no, but had my share of an octopus
70. Buried one/both of your parents
71. Been on a cruise ship
72. Spoken more than one language fluently
73. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
74. Walked the Sydney Harbour Bridge
75. Had plastic surgery
76. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
77. Wrote articles for a large publication - does my blog count?
78. Lost over 50 kilo’s -oh, my.
79. Piloted an airplane
80. Petted a stingray
81. Broken someone’s heart
82. Broken a bone
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Parasailed
86. Skipped all your school reunions
87. Shaved your head
88. Caused a car accident
89. Pretended to be “sick”
90. Surfed in the ocean
91. Saved someone’s life
92. Fainted
93. Been in the room while someone is giving birth
94. Hitchhiked
95. Adopted a child
96. Been caught daydreaming
97. Been to Ayers Rock
98. Called off a wedding engagement
99. Donated your blood
100. Become a follower of Jesus Christ - I don't like this question.

and this is how yesterday I've stolen two kitchenclothes from the local tesco

Oh, yes.

As yesterday I was getting a lot better (physically speaking, of course) I decided to have a walk and headed for the nearby tesco. Now the word 'nearby' might refer to someting within a 15-minutes' reach, but hell no, this was a bit further away. First of all I guarded my almost 7-yo daughter to the kindergarten. Our way, as always, went through two meadows and a little forest. The frozen grass and fallen leaves sparkled in the faint Sunlight. In the morning frost I came to the conclusion that a little bit of exercise would not hurt me that much and also, I have to buy this and that so there I'm going. I crossed the town, as the named object is at the opposite end of it. From our little house I passed by little houses, then went accross the forest and then I saw larger houses, commnity buildings, railway lines, a bus station, large houses and small houses again until the very end - there we have it, the dreamland of all frustrated women: tesco.

Which of us would reject the idea of buying something when it does raise the level of those little hormones that make us a bit happier? A sort of false happyness, I know, but sometimes all that it takes to make us more cooperative and less depressed is a little bit of spending a larger bit of money. It was not a spending spree at all, though. I bought what I really wanted. With a pre-written list in my hand I was heading for certain sections of the shop. Wondering through the aisles I did picked one or two items that were not originally on my list. But who could resist a wonderful, non-coloured plasticine for example, when your kids are so found of forming the dough? Who would? Would you? And how about those kitchen clothes that you use for drying your hands after some kitchen-related job. You know the clothes that always hang here and there around and you do not seem to have enough of them. And there you have it in Indian quality and what a nice chequered pattern. It is actually not really beautiful, but they serve the purpose well. And they are cheap. Really so. There I went, picking up two of them, a red and a green one. And I went off in search of dried lentils, and some other trivia.

At the end of the line, when the cashier was pulling the items over the infra-red checker she asked me if I was buying two of these clothes or not. I was wondering at the meaning of this question. Can not this woman count, for God's sake? There's a green one and a red one. that makes like, two. But I was not a bit more surprised when she had problems with the camambert cheese. She looked into my face with those dreamy eyes and told me she was unable to check the cheese for it had no code on it. I bowed the inevitable and accepted the tesco having its way. Oh.

And if you're wondering how did I get home with my backpack, which became heavily packed by the end of this little shopping, well... I met someone and she took me home. So instead of walking another 5 kms I was just plain lazy in the front seat.

I'm still happy that she (the friend) did not carry me towards the tesco, however. I like walking and recuperation can involve a bit of an easy excercise as well.

End of story: at home, after sorting out things to the bathroom, kitchen, storage room etc. I noticed that the bunch of kitchen clothes feel somehow too thick. I lifted them only to find that of what I thought were two were four instead. I'm sorry tesco. Ok, not really.

I'm not an inch better, I'm just fed up with that bloody photo.

There are moments where I could chop an entiry human body with the nice little Fiskars axe we use to chop firewood with. If not in those moments, I think all I can do is lump down into a sheepskin in the sunlit room and sleep for like, hours. Please consider that I'm officially ill. I had a fever this morning. It went up as much as 37,0 degrees centigrade. I'm not doing good even when I'm bad. That's just my luck.

I have started collecting money to buy my digital camera. I do NOT accept donations, thanks for the offers. I work bloody hard to earn it. I'm in a bad-language mode so I just stop here my entry.

And before I'm saying a sickness-induced goodbye, here's a photo of our chainsaw. Never near as good as a real axe, I mean, to discharge your aggression, but still.

(This photo was made on December 4, 2006 in our new kitchen, which is, as you see is being under construction. Please note the somewhat high pile of firewood in the background. The bricks are there waiting to be built into a new chimney and we use the gas for cooking.)

an up and down dated photo

Introducing my most desperate and faithful enemy....
(photo made at the end of September, 2006.)

UPdate: (Quite a down-date instead):

This little bastard does not let me live a complete life. She does not let love entering the business of life. In the fear of getting out-of-balance she carefully rejects my feelings. She fears giving and sacrifice. She likes to keep quietly on her own, cozy and warm. But what she gives me is just another icicle to chew on and she prefers the blinds on so that the Sun shall not enter my room. Thanks I'm okay. Okay, I'm not. But that's just an average day.

And melancholy does not inspire me. It just leaves me plain tired. I'm going to bad to sleep it off. What will I wake into? Another Sunday. And than to another Monday. Makes no sense, does it? I keep on updating this single entry as long as I feel this awful to see where I get.

This is Sunday, late in the evening. I'm not getting anywhere.

I'm taking a break.

I wil post soon. About anything. I'm sorry. I dislike this blue. It reminds us to a free, cloudless sky in May, when everything seems possible. But we should keep in mind that it's January and the frosts are yet to come. No buds or flowers until the frost has taken its toll. How symbolic. Makes me sick. I hate this blue.

what's up with 2006

This is any analysis of the past year - how it affected me, what I obtained, what were my losses...What are my resolutions for the new-ish year...

CAUTION. This is marked as highly personal. You are welcomed to read, if you want to get a better insight into me, myself and I - but you might not like what you see. If you feel like doing a similar brainstorming, do not hesitate to work it out on your blog. And invite me to a have a peep into you :)
I had to gather my thoughts and making this entry took a longer while as usually.

Let's start with the physical:
I gained some 5 kgs in the last weeks of 2006 and I'm hoping to shed it by doing more excercise and eating less in-between meals, yeah. I'm 165 cm tall (ok, I'm that short) and have reached 60 kgs recently. This extra 5kgs bugger me.
Despite the weight gain I kept my somewhat good and young-ish condition. I still need to get more stamina by hiking and keeping an eye on my eating habits. I am unsure of what I substitue with eating. That is not really normal.
I got a liking to swimming, which was the most pleasant physical surprise of 2006. Re-inventing swimming is like embracing an old friend. It's not that I'm a good swimmer, not at all. I just like it. And swimming in alive water (such as a river) compares to nothing.
I have more gray hair. It's not easily visible for a simple onlooker in the street, but if you watch closely, you'd spot those silver threads waving up at the top of my head. It mingles nicely to my natural black-brown tone. I'm determined NOT to dye my hair. I'm getting older, so what.
I went to The Netherlads (posts about it are here, here and here) and attented the great Terra Madre event in Italy as well. (posts about it are here, here and here). I like going abroad and getting new experiences, meeting people, get to know their way of living and thinking. These two trips were extremely useful as I was edging total exhaustion due to many different reasons. These new experiences helped me get out of the bottom of melancholy.
I've lost my job in 2006. This was a job I started in 2003. During these 3 years I had various tasks, but most of all my range of tasks paralelled the money the company had. It was a non-profit one with a small business line along and I took part in both. I liked the non-profit part better, but now I'm glad it's over. There will be some other jobs on the horizon. At the moment I'm doing some translation as this is my original job. I hope and seek to find some more translations in 2007 so as to have more money and so as to feel myself needed, necessary.
Go on with the emotional:
I did have a hard year. I had to grow up to the tasks the year 2006 challenged me with. My oldest kid (a now 10 yo intelligent yet hardly manageable boy, who has his own troubles, too... plus, to my horror I keep discovering the same inclinations within him that I have and make my own life miserable... But who else's there to help him out if not I?) was expelled from the local Waldorf School for not being cooperative. In short he was bored to tears during classes. As this was his second institute, we had to look for a third one in the middle of the school year. Nasty, isn't it? The local school admitted him (in Hungary, parents might choose any school in town for their kids, or they might opt for a school in another town as well, but the local school MUST house the kid. Regardless of him/her being a rebel, or a non-wanted one. That was the card we played... Guess what. The teachers proved to be the best ones available in town... Really so!) Well, my son's arrival to the 'new' (read: third) school was forerun by his fame which did not help him in being really accepted. So I had him home-schooled for months during spring and early summer and late fall as well. The case seem to be solved by now and he has a new teacher and everything seems to go allright :)
The point is that I had to give up some of my well liked privacy and have him home. We used to have classes and I gave him homeworks and so on. And I gave my privacy and beloved aloneness flawlessly cause I had to. I had no other choice. I am happy for I was able to put up with the situation. This was a lesson on giving, motherhood and letting some of my selfishness go... I had to fight the ultimate question: What the f... will become to my son? Is he normal or retarded? Am I to accept that he has some mental challenge (like Aspergens syndrome) or is it that the teachers are not good enough? (On a side note: he is not confirmed to have any mental challenge at all)
Also, I went through a mental stage that is best described as detachment. Due to various reasons (incl but not limited to the loss of my job, my son's situation) I felt completely worthless and I did not see the reason for carrying the whole thing on for a moment more. I felt I was ready to give in... This is somehow went away and no I do not intend to seek phyciatrics or medicaments of any of the modern kind. I've never taken any anti-depressants, thank you for the question. Nor will I ever. Drugs alter my mind, which I strongly oppose. This is not coming from any religious belief - I just don't believe in masking the symptoms. I'd rather seek the real root of the problem.
So that's why finally I've decided to seek advice and help from a kinesiologist. I owe Anniina an explanation on this, and yese, I will post something about this thing later on. You might check the internet in the meantime, but what I found was a bit of disappointing. Most pages I found scorn at it. In short: it does not hurt, it does not alter my mind. It seeks advice from within me and wants to find the cause of the problem. And if it helps - why not? The session I attended in early December was absolutely helpful. It helped me understanding why I behave in certain ways and why I treat myself in certain ways. Sounds blurry, and probably boring doesn't it?
My marriage has take a surprising leap in the dark during this autumn. It involved events I've never dreamt of. We both had our days and nights spent with crying, shouting, fearing, wondering, argueing and peacefully talking. I've never thought I could be going on for days doing barely more than shedding tears whenever I can. I do not wish to tell more about it. It's still a bit hard to understand but we are still a pair and the love is still there. We had our 12th anniversary this October and we think we are to hold each other's and until the very end. We are working on understanding each other and our very selves more. We wish to accept who we are and who the other half is. I warned you this section was about emotions, didn't I?
And finally, the spiritual part:

Spiritual experiences of the past year somehow managed to combine and put into a higher level of understanding all those things I've ever learned and or experienced in this field. Like a synthesis of all things formerly known but at a higher level. The main key of ignition was probably the course I started (which I later abandoned, for the seesions being a bit far away from my home). I had wonderful experiences like wholeness and reflection, and an out of body experience as well. I began to feel that I am more apt to perceive, analyze and understand things. Fragments make whole pictures better and clearer than they did before. The progress has not ended and I guess it will go on as long as I live - and this one is probably not the last of my learning lives. I think I've learned towards accepting the material world as it is, my being somehow vulnerable and peccable...My being a woman....(for reference, see the end of this entry) My being a being at all.... Those were the hard times.... And clearly that's not the end of my development as there are more to come this new year of 2007: I am to master many other things. Relationships, acceptance and sacrifices... Won't be easy.

And also, I met poetry along the path...or was it poetry that found me???

Is it poetry at all? Some of you like it and to be honest, I like them, too. I don't know whether there will be any continuation... If you are interested in, here's my favourite ones from last year - go here, here and here. Oh, and here. I'm sorry for the self-advertisement.

on a simple day like this

when you perceive the ever-present Sun
behind pillows of fog
- there lies salvation

Photos goes out to IllMan :) Credits to Szabolcs.

a meme about this thing we, bloggers do

This is a self-survey again, it comes from over here.

1-Do you like the look and the contents of your blog?

Well, the content is what I post so I must be satisfied with it. It's my work, my thoughts, (usually) my own photos - I do have to like it, don't I? As for the look - I'm not a computer expert, plus this is a free site so what to expect? Generally I do like it. It's green and simple. I like green and I like simple things. :) A neat answer for a silly question.

2-Does your family know about your blog?

No, and this fact sometimes evokes strange feelings within me. Earlier, when I did not have a blog, I used to keep (written) diaries. My family was aware of my writing a diary, but did not cared (or dared) to have a look. Writing a diary is considered a secret thing. You do not normally share it with someone else, do you? But now, I don't write my thoughts on paper, I use the e-form instead. No-one knows I have this blog. It is somehow uncomfortable. I MUST write things out and conceptualize my feelings and if I did not have this blog, I would write it down on paper.

Regardless of this space I usually share my feelings with my family (especially with my husband), who is always there to hear my thoughts, fears, worries, pursuits, experiments and so on. I mean, if I told him all those things that are already written here he would surely be the most eager and comprehending listener. The strange feelings comes from here. Why not share it with him when I could just as well be sharing it with him? I am confused a bit. But I don't chew on it much. I tell him whatever I find time to tell him about and let things flow as they are. He would understand anyway I'm sure. But he would not understand the language. Not because he does not speak English (which he does very well), but I'm afraid the choice to avert from my own language would upset him quite much.

3-Can you tell your friends about your blog?

No, but I found virtual friends through blogging.

4-Do you just read the blogs of those who comment on your blog?

No, I read many other blogs, but usually keep an eye on those who comment. I seek communication. On the sidebar there's a list of blogs I check regularly.

5-Did your blog positively affect your mind?

Yes, it helps me thinking about the things, events that buggers me. It helps me concentrating. Writing out things helps. It is a therapy.

6-What does the number of visitors to your blog mean?

It means how many people have found my site. Nothing less and nothing more. It has nothing to do with the value of the content I have.

Sometimes I wish for more comments (as I can't count onlookers) so as to have more people to share my thoughts with - but that's not my ultimate goal- I believe sometimes a few is better.

7-Did you imagine how other bloggers look like?

Yes, sometimes the things I read on other people's sites gives me ideas about how these people would look like - I guess these are based on prejudices. A photo might be helpful, but it is not really necessary. I do not seek a husband or partner :)

8-Do you think blogging has any real benefit?

As in #5, blogging is a therapy. A tool for expression.

People are valuable and can show their talent this way. I have seen blogs that fueled me with energy and ideas towards living a better life. I imagine this goes out the same to many other people as well. There are many blogs that contain useful information - sometimes a blogger reviews films so that I can have an idea whether I would like that special film or not. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Many bloggers come up with the best ideas and thoughts I find. Some bloggers give me inspiration and so on.

If one believes that our world is beyond what we can touch/hear/see one surely does find benefits from doing or reading blogs.

There are useless blogs as well of course - let's not speak about them.

9-Do you think that the blogesphere is a stand alone community separated from the real world?

It is separated. The participants are real here, but you might just switch it off and on whenever you want. And this is not how real communication and connections are oout there in the real world. There's much less sacrifice and caring as between real partners.

At the same time, bloggers might form a community that might have a power in the outside world as well. They might join to make a movement for example.

10-Do some political blogs scare you?

Yes, the extremist ones. And those who present hatred and intolerance towards conceptions and beliefs they really do not able to percieve. Regardless of their point of view, I dislike stupidity. In the real life, I am, unfortunately considered an extremist, too. I feel anger and/or sadness when someone is bluntly and carelessly criticizing my side of thoughts and the side I'm at. Does that make me intolerant, too?

11-Do you think that criticizing your blog is useful?

I like when people comment if they are doing it with the purpose of improvement. I don't mind my English being corrected for example.

Without reflections one might loose direction.

12-Have you ever thought about what would happen to your blog in case you died?

It would die, too.
I'm thinking of making a copy on my PC. To save it for whatever might come. Some of the poems have no other copies for example. But most of the comments are just as much valueable for me.

13-Which blogger had the greatest impression on you?

From time to time I'm looking for new persons and ideas. At the same time I keep sticking to the ones I like. I can't name one that made the greatest impact on me. I don't like making exceptions. Blogger A gave me this, Blogger B that. Also, I'd refrain from picking one over another. I like them both- not in the same way and not for the same thing... But which is more useful? Time will tell. Not me.

14-Which blogger do you think is the most similar to you?

I don't know many bloggers... I'm unsure of their everyday thoughts and habits and how would they react in a special situation... I might name bloggers that have similar preference of movies or books... But does that count? I know it does, but does movie preference make us similar? I am unsure. Blogging does not reveal much of our personality I'm afraid. Or if it does, personality is such a complex thing that one can hardly decide which two persons are similar and which are not...

15-Name a song you want to listen to?

Well, I've listened pieces of Jesus Christ Superstar this morning. I would like to have some more of that stuff. Whoa...Finally an easy question:)

It's your turn, my dear.

And, if you like some crazy music from my university years, here's Scatman. I danced for it today - no, no shame. One can do it once in a while....

The banned books meme

This meme comes from Anniina. The list below was compiled by the American Library Association. These books were banned in schools/churches/libraries in America in the XXth century. The thing is that you bold the ones you've read in its entirety and italicize those that you've read some part of. Assuming that quotations also count, here's my list and my remarks (in brackets) besides the items...

#1 The Bible

#2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

#3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes

#4 The Koran

#5 Arabian Nights

#6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

#7 Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift

#8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer

#9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

#10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

#11 Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli

#12 Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe

#13 Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

#14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert

#15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

#16 Les Misérables by Victor Hugo

#17 Dracula by Bram Stoker

#18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin

#19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding

#20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne

#21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

#22 The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon

#23 Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy (in English)

#24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin

#25 Ulysses by James Joyce

#26 Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio

#27 Animal Farm by George Orwell

#28 Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell (one of the most brilliant ones in the list)

#29 Candide by Voltaire (we covered it in highschool)

#30 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

#31 Analects by Confucius

#32 Dubliners by James Joyce

#33 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

#34 Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway

#35 Red and the Black by Stendhal

#36 Capital by Karl Marx (we had to cover it in highschool)

#37 Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire

#38 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

#39 Lady Chatterley's Lover by D. H. Lawrence

#40 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

#41 Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser

#42 Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

#43 Jungle by Upton Sinclair

#44 All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque

#45 Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx (this is just a guess)

#46 Lord of the Flies by William Golding

#47 Diary by Samuel Pepys

#48 Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway

#49 Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy

#50 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

#51 Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

#52 Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant

#53 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey

#54 Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus

#55 Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

#56 Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X

#57 Color Purple by Alice Walker

#58 Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger

#59 Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke

#60 Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

#61 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe

#62 One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

#63 East of Eden by John Steinbeck

#64 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison

#65 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

#66 Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau

#67 Gargantua and Pantagruel by François Rabelais

#68 Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes

#69 The Talmud

#70 Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau

#71 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

#72 Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence

#73 American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser

#74 Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

#75 A Separate Peace by John Knowles

#76 Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

#77 Red Pony by John Steinbeck

#78 Popol Vuh

#79 Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith

#80 Satyricon by Petronius

#81 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

#82 Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

#83 Black Boy by Richard Wright

#84 Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu

#85 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

#86 Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George

#87 Metaphysics by Aristotle

#88 Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder

#89 Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin

#90 Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse

#91 Power and the Glory by Graham Greene

#92 Sanctuary by William Faulkner

#93 As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner

#94 Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin

#95 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig

#96 Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

#97 General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud

#98 Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

#99 Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown

#100 Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

As you can see my knowledge is biased. I admit not knowing many of the authors named above. Most of the titles I marked are European ones.

I missed Oscar Wilde badly from the list, I just can't believe he did not made it with The Picture of Dorian Gray or Salome, or just about any of his pieces. I also feel that William Wharton's Birdy has also been omitted. And also, where's Albert Camus with his short novel called The Stranger. I might as well name others that I think are missing from this list, but wait, I can't name those that I have NOT read, see?

What's your opinion?

leaving

loosening the buckles finally
I take you down like a worn-out coat
which I do not fit anymore
and which I wish not to fit me anymore
for you turn my honey sour
and evil awakens within me at the touch of your lips
I need to leave you -

your color comes off my walls in scraps
I do not wish to see them anymore
your skin scrobbles mine
your hands smell disintegration
I need to leave you -

your ship is missing the anchor
your house is missing the stove
so full of air, noise and flavoursome chunks
so in need of love -
and I no longer wish to fuel you

I need to leave you before its too late
before I'm lost
for myself
and from myself
and yes, I am selfish to protect the belief
that one day...

but that day might never come
we'll be drifting apart
you - seeking new ports, fresh game to conquer but fail to preserve
always afloat yet going deeper below
me - keeping the source, never really moving yet receiving more and more

all that's going around now is admissible
we do not correlate
I need to leave you -
and so I do.

This photo was made in the Pilis Mountains in 2005. Yup, that's me in black.

I'm sorry to interrupt my flow of working but this thing was inside and I let it out. I wrote it bearing one special person in mind, but re-reading I found that it might as well suit me, my solder self somehow. Still - there's no need to worry. I'm neither leaving myself, nor preparing to do it - in the physical sense. I'm getting better. Deep within I suspect recurrent re-visits. Those that always turn to be painful in the end. Still - I can't really leave the situation. No matter how strong I feel at the moment I might loose and give in to the call some other time again. Well, I'll see. *keepin' an eye on myself*

still alive and more kicking than before

Thanks for everyone for the good wishes for the coming year - it starts with a short work with deadline for 12 January. Thanks Heavens, cause I (we, the family) do need the money. We have to move on with the building and renovating of our house. Of course a small amount of money does not really counts but I would like to buy a digital camera for me and I'm thinking of buying it on my own, rather than spending a family money. That makes more sense, doesn't it? I'm translating a research paper from Hungarian to English.

I'm sure I'll be back sooner than that date. Cause I'm a workaholic and I must go off to work.

Keep well, my friends.

I'm much much better than I was last year. Maybe it's because of the new vitality that is inevitable around this time of the year. Maybe it's the Sun that shines around - after all those gloomy, foggy days....

and if you wake up in the middle of the day and see no Sun blame it on neither the Sun nor your eyes - draw the curtains back, don't let them keep you from seeing the brightness.