conversations in the mist

Enter the forest, come, come, my dear. The Keeper of Fire is awaiting. She calls your name.

---

'Welcome back' the monster said with a contorted smile on his face. 'It's not you' I said him peacefully. Interrupted in his anger, the monster stopped howling for a while, then omitted another growl. Its claws fizzled in the light. 'No, it's not your real you' - I went on.

This undoubtedly seemed to disturb him. The air shook around him and quick as a butterfly he disappeared into the think forest.

But soon I heard him shouting 'Don't you fear me? - 'Fear me!' - 'Cause if you fear me not... the voice turned into a burble. 'What if I fear you not' I asked. For the first time I challenged the monster. 'Pray tell me what if I fear you not.'

'You'll loose yourself.'

'No, I won't, cause my real self will not ever loose me.'

---

Feed me no sweet chocolates, creams and such, for my toung has no taste and desire for such delicacies. Feed me on bitter, on the sharpest leaves ever produced by the Earth. That is what will do.

---

'You can never really leave the road, the one you have deliberately put your feet on.' - he argued.

'No way. It's not the traveller who sets his feet on the path - it's the path that chooses the traveller.' - I said.

---

All photos made by me on October 28, 2005.

thoughts from a mother

This week we are going to the second session of kineziology (sp?) with my son. The first one was about a month ago. He liked that the lady told him things his parents use to say - if you hear it from a different source it all sounds better, doesn't it?

I think the first session was successfull - he no longer seemed to reject the idea of going to school on a daily basis. I wish the second one would be successful, too. As a mother I know he needs more encouragement. He is apt to repress and despise his personal abilities. He does not make friendship easily. He is looking for something real and sure, something he can really rely on and trust. At the same time he seeks to be loved and accepted.

He is so much like I was as a kid. But I'd wish to save him from all those pains I experienced. Being alone in a crowd, having noone to turn to, watching easy-going kids having fun, staying away from the light people... Wanting to have some fun too, but not trying to get involved into something that does not hold the promise of a real love. Not easy. I must teach him more to let him enjoy life, to avoid letting him not enjoy it, just as I did not enjoy it... I am unsure, as I am not at the end of the process of evolving either. But I'd love to see him happy...

The drawing was made by my daughter in 2004.

Late fall chores

We've been busy working in the garden these weekends. The firewood has arrived and we first had to make room for it by rearranging the old (dried) firewood to some other placeto make room for the fresh one, whch is not suitable for instant use. It takes a year to dry it out. So after clearing the storage we had to transport the fresh wood with a wheelbarrow to there and chop it up a bit. This is done partly because fresh wood cuts MUCH better and partly b/c cut up wood dries better, too. We've been doing this for hours and for days and days again.

I'm fine - sort of

It appears that the road is empty, but I know it's not.

There are shadows but certainly, the Sun is up there for those who do not forget to open their eyes and unfold their wings.

And for those who like a bit of drama, a bit of twist, and good films in general :) http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/atom_29

the old shell is worn-out the new one is just about to form

seems that looong titles are my favourites this time of my life, aren't they?
Okay, I am here and try to give some explanation - much needed by myself, too.

me, myself and I? Do I speak too much about myself?

As I think I have just grown up to see that it was high time that the old daughter-father relationship went away. It has not. Distrusts and suspicion have crawled into the little hut we used to built for ourselves.

I feel like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2; when she realizes that she had to strengthen herself to be able to survive.

I feel like I have to stop whining about any loss I suffered - not that I did that too much...

I witnessed my transformation with awe, as much of the things I changed within myself was of my use and benefit. I know this. And I am thankful for the person who had the courage to help me, a belief in me and an uttermost love towards me - all those feature do still exist.

That makes it harder.

For my part, I love him, too. But....

I feel my emotions shattered. We do not seem to have enough quality time together to make the love real again. I am scared to say that the fire has gone cause it has not. Or not really. What happened during my stay in Holland was not the reason for our not being well together - it was just a shock that has woken me up. It was high time we faced this.

Why? Why I say these things and think like that? How will it end?

I am into finding myself. The grown-up woman. Sounds trivial? Life is at its bests...and worsts... Signs like The Tower might tell something. That I am unable to behave as I used to yet I am bounded by habits, too. That I feel frustrated - the feeling I have been experiencing from early this year on... living in a golden cage, where everything seems perfect. Not in the way you find the same symbol in various literatures such as in Ibsen's A doll's house (Nora), but yet...

The want to break free seemed pointless at the same time. I love this mam he loves me - why? Why want anything else when everything's so fucking perfect? We are told to be the match made in heaven. So again, why? What is wrong with me?

Is it me who is wrong? The things I have lost and have given up are mainly bullshits I know. But somehow I feel I have lost something that was entirely me. Why do I have to think like this at all? Why am I not content with the present?

Can someone possibly share some self-confidence? To ignite the strength I know I have in me? I prefer not accepting help, though. It is a task I must do all by myself. And with the love I have within. I might fall... I will stand up.

Growing up: slow and not without some pains, apparently

but before making the title way too long I stopped writing to the 'title line'. Nevertheless, I think I/we have reached the core of the problems or one of the most important problems of my/our life. It was always there, slowly emergin as we slowly became aware of the situation... Taking responsibility, understanding one's real values and faults, yet being able to survive, accepting ourselves as we really are is part of growing up.

There are times when I am so tired of circulating an idea in my head that just nothing comes out of it. Nothing new. And still, this is what I got when I tried the 'which Tarot card are you' test. I like tests. The result was somewhat shocking:

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

a day off in the Alps

Okay, it's been a long time since my last entry. Time is going by rapidly over here. How about you? My visits abroad gave me long-lasting experiences. When I was in The Netherlands, our relationship between my husband and me took an unexpected turn. Let this be enough for today. I would not be able to explain it and there's nothing I've seen/read/heard of that ever comes any near to what I've experienced/went through. We are okay, sort of, by now and that is what matters.

When in Italy, I enjoyed the event and the scenery. I think I still owe you some of the photos I made in the Alps.

Here they are, with the story behind. All the following photos were made on October 28, 2006.

This is the train station of Fossano. Fossano is a small town, this is where almost all the Hungarian delegates to the Terra Madre event were hosted. It took a 1.5 hour-ride to Limone, which is about 40kms from the French-Italian border.

This is now Limone (yes, it DOES mean lemon in English). Funnily enough, there's a smaller town nearer to the border, which is called Limonetto (and yes, it means 'small lemon'....). Limone looks like a nice small town for tourists who like hiking in the Alps.

Hiking roads start not far away from the centre, as the town is located in a narrow valley. The hills are very close. We started in one of the trails and soon found ourselves* here.

(*I went with a friend of mine, who was also a delegate. She is a mother of 3 and is a geologist.)

Isn't this a magnificient view? I loved how more and more faraway hills unfolded in front of our very eyes just by having gotten higher in the mountain... When we are down in the valley, close to the everyday burdens, no matter how sweet those can be, we can not see far. It is only when we get high enough that we get to see those out-of-reach beauties that do exist among us...

Speaking of beauties, here's one - a lizard. Can you spot her/his face?

We did not have much time for hiking, though. We went uphills for like 2 or 3 hours and had to descend before dusk settles. This is how high we got.

I love the different colours of the autumn. It was early afternoon and the Sun was up. Our trail down was nonetheless inspiring - full of colours, no people around... Just the air between heavens and you...

Have I told you that I have a strong affection towards hills? Just because they are there and as they are. This love did not start here. It started back many years ago, probably when I first saw real, big hills. When I was a kid, my parents often took me to a hilly area which was about two-hours drive from our hometown. There we would spend the day beside a mountain creek playing, barbequing... Later on, back in 1991, my heart was captured forever by the thing called The Medicine Wheel. I became hopelessly addicted to mountains, which I don't mind at all. I do not pursue them, do not seek them in every possible occassion. I love them in a much more subtle and stronger way.

There is a Museum of Mountains in Torino. The entrance fee was as much as 6 Euros (this is a bit high for me) but I said yes to the temptation. The museum itself was not as much as I thought it would be, but there was a qoutation I knew was worth the fee. I am still looking for it. It was about the burning love for the hills. To look for them, to never really turn one's back at them. To have an inexplicable and so human love, a non-human and yet so natural love towards them. Or something along these ideas.

Finally, we did have to leave the hills - I bid farewell by washing the dirts and sweat of the hard uphill hiking off in a mountain river. Yes, it was VERY cold. And I loved it.

This is me, looking for a suitable bathroom in the river :))) Later on, we found a little convent in the village. This is something you find everywhere, isn't it? No, I'm kidding. But yes, this was a small prayer house of no special interest as per tourist books. Yet - isn't this an architectural gem?

With real slates on the roof.... I like how the different types of textures show in the following picture:

And finally, we made it to the centre again, as we had to take the train back to Fossano. We had a one hour stroll in the centre to discover the place. We had a nice icecream in a bar. I enjoyed the sights in the shops and being quite proud of the only (half) sentence I know in Italian I said it out loudly to the workers of this shop:

... molto spettacolo... (very spectacular) I think there should be a substantive verb in the sentence as well, but I warned you that I only know half sentences. The workers were delighted nonetheless at my being able to speak a little Italian.

We caught the train in time and arrived back at our hotel just in time for the evening meal. We had a great day-off.

gone with the dust

a naked UPDATE on 10 November:

I am happy now as more and more of my virtual fellow blogers, friends come and see me here and comment on this thing below I published on 8 November. I am happy that you liked it. I intended it to be a lyrics for a song that has not been yet composed. I intended to depict a feeling I often have, but appearantly my English is kind of misleading. But as long as you like it I don't really mind it. I felt and captured the feeling and you felt something else instead. If you have time, please feel free to comment on this part, too.

so here it comes -

Gone With The Dust

I've been up for long
just to see the minutes pass
I've been up for late at night
just to see the hours pass

I've been watching for the hands to move
tick-tock tick-tock
I've been watching for the sound it made
tick-tock tick-tock

Hours came and went by
they found me with eyes settled on the clock
seasons came and went by
they found me sitting by the window
waiting for the time to pass

And I saw flocks of crows passing by
their gray feathers filled up the room
a long way they came and so did they went away
the gray dust they left behind filled up my soul

And yet I was but an empty vessel
sticking to watching and waiting
nothing ever really touched me
remaining calm, watching and waiting

I kept waiting for soething that never came
the clock kept ticking
I kept seeing no road but the goal that could never be achieved
the clock kept ticking

the clock keeps ticking...
the clock keeps ticking...
the clock keeps ticking...

Terra Madre 2006

This event is HUGE.

At the first, in 2004 I felt that it's so good to be around with people all around the world who share similar thoughts. The feeling of not being alone in thinking about a certain way about environment, agricultural management, our mankind's future. It was encouraging to see those people from all over the world, to feel that we have something in common and that is that we wish to save this planet by the acts we do, by traditional agriculture and craftsmanship.

This year, the event for me was more about the actual steps one can do in his/her community. Education and projects for the general public, farm visits and so on.

For more official information go to the official site of Terra Madre here.

But you should also check the blog about Terra Madre here, it gives you more a personal insight into what's this all about.

And don't forget to visit some of Vandana Shiva's contributions.

She is my hero. This is her at the closing ceremony.

This is one of the signs that we, the modern world as we know it have to leave soon.

On aboard

When we got off at Budapest, it was hardly about Sunrise on a late October morning. Later on, in the air the Sun got up above the clouds and broke through the mist.

We flew high over the Alps through Austria and Italy. Those white swirls are clouds sitting below the peaks of mountains. They do look like boiling white cream soups, though.
An hour and 35 minutes later, map-like structures unfolded near Milano (Milan), Italia (Italy). The smaller the fields the more attractive the landscape is to the eye and the better is the management for the environment...it's so obvious to all who are aware of the future...
Landing was as easy as was the flight. This photo was captured at the minute the wheels touched the ground at Milano.

with fractured mental sanity
I balanced my soul on a featherweight plank
over hissing swamps and cold morasses
there were moments when there was nothing in vision
fearing the stumble I stopped
I stopped breathing, seeing, hearing, touching and feeling

and when I disconnected myself from life
Life approached me with a beam
I was hardly visible but mighty
strengthened and armoured with love
the real, the unconditional and the perpetual
I knew I was saved
yet-
I knew the tempest was not completed
but I was no longer vulnerable
the ground kept shaking, winds kept roaming
and I hold my clinches tight

Finally, I think I survived
and I even dreamt about the fight

which was no longer a fight
but a heap of fists, eyes, kisses and cries
a bundle of fallen leaves that is part of the autumn
- which inevitably, will be retouched by the winter

Take care, I'm leaving the scenery for the time being
got my stand, my life, my love
got my seeds to take care of
and I'm waiting for the coming of the Sun

I'm back but have no time to write

This is the River Po at Turin (Torino), Italy. The photo was made on 27 October.

I hope I will have time to post some more photos as I have many. And many of them are really good.

The event I attended was interesting and inspiring, too.

We had time for some walk in the city and we decided to spend one of the days hiking in the Alps.