Aspen

European aspen (Populus tremula) is blooming these days, actually for weeks here in Hungary. The male flower has a cotton-like flying soft structure that triggers an allergic reaction. I am surprised because this is the first time my reaction is so obvious.

I know I am allergic to ragweed (Ambrosia artemisiifolia), and I have been living with it in the past 15-20 years. Luckily for me, my symptoms have been reduced to a bearable level by eating bits of the fresh plant before and during the season.

This aspen allergy is kind of new - although when I come to think of it, ithas been getting worse over the past couple of years.

Now it reached a level where my eyes are swollen and when outdoors, I keep sneezing and my nose keeps running.

So, here's the story - I visited a therapist who is both specialist in mental therapy and applied kinesiology.

She pointed out that the Latin (and the Hungarian) name of the plant refers to a specific behaviour of aspen: that is, trembling, fluttering, wiggling, vibrating upon the slightest wind. Aspen represents my state - the way I react to my environment. I have a tendency to overreact, and a tendency to react to anything I reckon whether it is my duty or not. I want to have control over things I know I have not and the non-controlling, the continous failure to control and the continous income flow of impulses makes me nervous and exhausted.

This is the reason behind my allergy.

We elaborated on this topic a bit.

I have to learn to let things remain uncontrolled, especially if said events are none of my business, or of lesser importance. I have to focus and stay calm. Or so are the first steps of the healing process.

 

Mad Tree

CAUTION:

Some readers might find some of the upcoming photos and outright truth disturbing. One might wish to avert his/her eyes and perception. One might choose to see and understand. You have been warned.

Angelique commented to the last post:

'It sounds to me like a metamorphosis is taking shape before our very eyes. I cannot wait to see what exciting things are in store for you, dear blogging buddy. I know they'll be incredibly fulfilling.'

I'd like to dedicate a post to answering this.

We all face changes during the course of our lives. Sometimes a change comes dramatically, within a period of a few days or weeks, or even hours (?). Some changes evolve much more slowlier.

Now, I feel I'm changing somehow, but do not understand the new path completely, do not see the direction clearly.

The change must have started already, which accounts for my anxiety and slight discomfort. I have not reached menopause nor am I pregnant, nor am I on any medication, so these potential factors are ruled out.

What are the factors that are still within sight?

1. My kids are growing and I surely have to adjust my attitude towards them. I have new tasks around them. My younger one has started school this September and my older one is getting into the much-dreaded pre-teenager period. I was a horrible teenager. I did NOT make any mistakes like drugs and fake friends and early stupid sex, but I was a pain in the ass to my mother. I'm afraid I am to expect the same. Or something similar.

2. Our house is under reconstruction. We do the jobs, literally, with our hands. Now it has reached a phase when my help comes much more into the picture. I have to help more in building and renovating, which is all right at one hand. We'll have a nice house. But you know, I was never that help offering person. I have to learn to give more. Of my time, of my energy. Now, if you asked my husband, he would surely mention all the things I have already done around the house. But now I think I must, like double my efforts.

3. I have been writing poems and short stories. I still have to learn so many things in this field. The writing contests, be them small or somewhat bigger, and also your valuable, constructive comments are extremely helpful in developing my skills. But also, I have to learn to nurture my well of inspiration. The question of 'why am I doing it' is always up front. I have to learn to accept that some of my writing are yes, they are good, while some others are, well, not so much. I have to learn that good and bad comes together.

4. I have started reading a book called Women Who Run with the Wolves by C. P. Estés. It is lent to me by a friend, who knows I'm open to almost any esoteric pathways and solutions. This book is a guidebook to women to help them to get familiar with their feminine side, instincts, how to use them and so on. I'm at page 43, so I can't tell you more. Feminity has always been a difficult issue for me. I'm NOT deviated sexually, physically from the average, but I have/had some issues. Some of you might recall my entries about kinesiology sessions I took part around the turn of 2006/2007. I keep on reading this book seeing where it will take me.

5. Sometimes I just feel plain tired. The number of husband and wife special occassions (I refer here to evenings in a theater, at a classical music concert, hiking in the mountain) has been apprioaching zero recently. Well, in recent years. We are each other's best friend and can debate any, yes, ANY issue ranging from his uhm...interesting dreams through his boss's new habits through school issues, through my participating in a writing contests to religion, to politics and all. I blame it on the house. I love this house and I love that it's all ours, NO BANK credit involved. But....

6. There are messages about a serious economical breakdown in Hungary. It is supposed to come early next year. It might mean that there will be no electricity and shops, to name the two most important things. My husband hears forecasts not unlike to the vision displayed in the Mad Max series. This, combined with the forecats about a total world control, with minor details such as the verichip and Nais for animals in the USA, totally freak me out. Am I a freak to feel frightened? I just can not put my head into sand, pretending it's quite all right. What is the world heading to? What am I to do? Do something that will be remembered, risking my family - not really my style...or is it? Do more appropriate things to save myself and my beloved? Like keeping more chicken, having more veggies of our own, learning sewing clothes and all? Preparing for Mad Hungary and Mad World? Will it really come? Have I gone mad? OR have the world gone blind?

Now, as my bedtime story is over, pull up the blankets my dear and have a good night. Sleep tight. Or you may also opt for reading the poem I wrote on 21 Nov.

UPDATE. You are so kind and honest with me with your comments. I'm still taking a rest, but will be back soon - I already have plans! :)

Here's Mad World by Gary Jules. I don't know much about the singer, but his simple devotion and humble performance gets my admiration. The song is a bit monotonous, and for some, can feel boring, too, but now it's just matches my mood.

travelling inside - UPDATED entry

I am not being lazy, I was just occupied looking a bit inside.

In the period between 9 and 20 of February, I attended two kinesiology sessions (one for me, one for my son) and two meditations (one alone in a company of women and one in the same company, but taking my son with me as well.)

I do feel well.

And I sing a lot. I would switch to one of my favourite tunes and would sing along with the singer. One may laugh at me, but singing out loud does good to your soul. Provided that the neighbour does not hear you - so I watch myself so as not to outsing the original version :)

I think I will update sooner or later, but I'm off to do some cleaning in the house. - I'm done with that.

Kinesiology: I'm ever so glad I've started this. The therapist made me look into my past and see the reasons of some burdens I used to carry. For now I believe I have put them down. There are things at least that I can cope better with. Things that I can accept more. These alone were worth the money. It is clearly better for me and so for my family as well. My son? We'll see how he reacts and how he copes with the things he heard there. He takes the drops regularly and does the little mantras regularly, too.

Meditation: It was my 2nd and 3rd guided meditation. If that is what meditation is, then I've been doing it at some subconscious level since like ages :) Somewhere back in August 2006, I participated one guided meditation and now I had similar feelings, especially at the 3rd one, which one was on February 20, and where I took my 10-yo son as well. He did not want to take part, but I convinced him - 'how can you reject a good thing without even trying?' There were two parts and I told him he was allowed to leave in between - but surprise, surprise, he insisted to stay!

It was the kind of meditation when the whole group does the same thing. It is believed/supposed to make the meditation stronger. We both had strange and intense feelings.

Photos by me on January 27. Location: Pál-völgyi barlang, Budapest. Some of the inside photos show dripstone formations.

This is the second update to this single entry. I was thinking of doing this at all - but since I have no other form of written diary, it is inevitable. So, the part from now on is highly personal. You are welcomed to read, but consider yourself having been warned.

Kinesiology: I'm heading towards being content with being a woman. It was not always this way. My parents wanted a boy and although in a subtle and strange way, unfortunately they did express their dissatisfaction. As far as I recall I was made to believe that had I been born a boy, their marriage would have lasted for longer. Which is, as far as I know now is not true. My father and my mother married for they loved each other and love as such, blinded them both. They were unable to see the vast gap between them, in almost every aspect of life. Such is love. This love produced a baby, who thought she had to fit into the world as a boy. Secretly, though as obviously she was born with female organs and female disposition, including being attracted by (and to) men. Still, she thought she had to be and act like a man and befit to the role of a man. That is what she used to think. Now the kin. session has made me see that when I had been high above (pre-born), I had wanted to become a woman. So that's why I became the one who I became. What my parents wanted and wished for is not my trouble. They loved me, they did not love each other. They still do love me in their own special ways, and they still do not love each other. That's why they divorced when I was 12. But as I was upbrought by my mother, somehow, some of the programs of life she uses has been transferred to me. This is rather unfortunate as I have my own life. The second session was about a disposition I learned from my mother, unconsciously, during my years with her. This does not belong to me. My way of life, my loving is different and it should be. I'm still working on it and it helps over the bumps of our marriage we've been experienced in the past six-seven months. This session helps me overcome my jealousy... that tells it all...
Meditation: meditation is exhilarating. It either opens new horizons for me or simply releases the stress. I believe to have undergone an OBE in August 2006 and I think this is just what happened this time, February 19 2007. In the first part yesterday, we had to experience a path bordered by rose-shrubs that lead to a house. The door oopened and there was a man in the door, but I had to remove it as the leader of the maditaion spoke of no person inside. I reckon this as an excercise for sticking to the point. I saw the man, but I had to remove him from the meditation. Then we had to saw photos on the wall and again I saw pictures, but I had to sweep them away in exchange for the images we were told to see. This is did well. On the second part we had to relax at a side of a lake and then go uphill to meet a lama. This meditation was aimed at meeting him as a spiritual helper. We had to ask questions and had to wait and accept the answer. On the way to the hill we had to let go off our physical and emotional burdens in two steps. This is when I felt as if I had been shelled and only a light-brown inner self was left behind. Later on the brown had gone and only a white-ish body remained. It was me, but without the usual body. The outline was the same, but the flesh as seen by my everyday self has gone. It came so unexpectedly. I met the lama and put forth one of the questions (would the political and economical changes come true as it was foretold by the wise?) He said yes. Then I asked my second question (would our house be remodelled before the crisis?) he answered yes. Then I, slightly disappointed asked him whether he was able to say anything besides 'yes' to my questions. And began thinking of other q's. But first of all, one came into my mind. (would the relationship between me and my husband work out for good, finally?) I added that probably this is the most important question of all. And the lama said yes, this is the most important. He reassured me of this q being the most essential one, but he did not said yes or no. Maybe this was his answer that this is the question of questions and this has to be answered before anything. The tone he used suggested that it will be allright and right now we are working on it and that we have to work on it, putting everything else behind. Before the lama and I parted he (according to the instructor) gave me love energy from his heart-chakra. We were told to experience a light blue streak of energy. It came right as a punch into me, wow. Going down on the hill was an easy walk now. I enjoyed every moment of this meditation. And it is always so hard to get out of it - I wish I could stay longer...

If you have come to read this closing line, well, you know something more and something intimate about me. Use it wisely, my friend.

Be well and thanks again for the encouraging words.

on kinesiology

This entry should not in any way be considered as a scientific source of information in this subject. I am not a therapist! I was and still am a subject of this kind of therapy, though. That's why I'm writing this, mainly for one of my friends has asked me about it. This entry is based on my experiences.

What makes one undergo such a therapy?

Why do you seek professional help? Let's not discuss it here. Why did I choose this particular therapy? There have been great reflections on this kind of therapy within my greater family: They told me how effective it was, how everything went right so I felt comfortable with going to check for myself.

I also choose this b/c I do not really believe in modern psychiatry. When giving drugs is the only alternative (I'm making it too plain, I know) that is simply not a solution for me. Not an intelligent one at that.

I chose this b/c I believe in its deeper explanations.

What's the idea behind?

1. The things you do, experience by senses and otherwise, peoples and events - they do not leave you unaffected. The consequences are sometimes easy to detect sometimes more subtle.

2. When you find the root of a problem deep within, you yourself will be able to notice and detect it. The solution is within you but of course, you must cooperate. Surprisingly or not, your deep inner self is more often than not strives to lead a happy and fulfilling life. One that leads to the right development. The solution you find should and will come from yourself and from yourself alone, b/c one is able to heal him/herself.

3. We all have our deep opinion about things, ourselves, the way we act in certain situations, various people and facts, and so on. This opinion within us is not always clearly known even for ourselves. No matter how deep we try to hide, it's there. And can be shown with careful examination. Basic instincts, deep beliefs can be turned to the outside. Surprising but real facts.

4. It is not suitable for those who can not think beyond the restrictions of our humanly bodies. It does involve some spiritualism.

What do you do once you're there?

You come up with a problem and the therapist tries to find the reason. When and what went wrong? What happened? What impedes you from achieving this, understanding that and so on?

The therapist than tests your reaction. S/he may give you certain things. I've tried 4 therapists and they all had different methods. One operates with cards like a tarot card and together with the patient s/he describes the meaning. One gives Bach flower droplets to heal the 'wounds'. You might want to google on those homeopathic essences somewhere. My knowledge is limited. One combines more methods at a time, according to the patient's special need. Others work other ways. The method is always tested by the therapist.

The testing is based on a simple method. It is so simple that many people question its validity or credibility. For me, there are no questions regarding its being correct, but people are different. It goes like this. If you believe a statement to be true your muscles are firm. 'You stand out for your rights'. Disagreement on the other hand, implies withdrawal, rejection. Your muscles are released, loose. Most therapists use the arm or hand muscles.

When the solution is found you'll be given mantras (repetitive words or sentences) to keep you remember to develop yourself.

Any questions? Go ahead in the comments section.

What am I up to?

Dear visitors,
I am sorry for the lack of updates this week.

First, let us have a funny moment by looking at the above photo. You may or may not have seen it somewhere over the wide net of the inter...I have found it yesterday and I like how the little kid actually licks the nose of the pig. For those who have kids, this is very funny.

Okay, go on to some harder nuts to crack.

I have been awarded by a very kind reader of mine, who suggested my compilation of whinings, literary stumblings as a blog worth checking. I always feel dizzy and incompetent at being praised. Or even suggested as being worthy. I feel torn BETWEEN taking a great breath and leaning back at the chair, patting my shoulder and (in a strange twist) jumping as high as the sky feeling able AND feeling small, unimportant. It is definitely a fault of mine, which, in due time, I will conquer. Or that is one of the things I'm trying to do in the foreseeable future.

So.

To this end, and to many others, I have started attending kinesiology sessions. It means that I, or my family is in the focus and the therapist tries to help me/us in the way ahead.

I visited him (the therapist) this Wednesday. I was quite allright beforehand, and the session revealed lots of traumas and false dispositions - the strange thing is that I was aware of them all, or most of them. Guess that makes someone going to a therapy, right?

Yet.

I. AM. CONFUSED.

The following idea came into my mind just in Wednesday evening:

---------

I remember floating in space among stars

this is the planet I chose

this is the family I saw fit

I recollect opting for a female body and fate

this is the father and mother I chose

this is the fate I found fit

my dreams, my deeper inspirations

for the utter development

I have come to terms

for I saw myself coming to this very place

by my intentions and my intentions alone

to be part of the Universe

I, Luca* have finally arrived

-------------

This thing above is a...khm...let's say it's a result of the therapy written in words. Not more.

* Luca is a FEMALE name in the Hungarian language. It originates from the Roman Lux, Lucille (bringing light) and is related to the English Lucy :).

We pronounce it L-oo (as in the English word:wood)-tz (as in pretzel)-uh (as in Sun).

-------------

Move on.

The therapist warned me to look for signs of my subconscious, because I might or might not be determined to become driven off of my road to happyness. Yes, by my own very self. Did I know all that before? Positive. Or at least, I felt it. Sometimes it takes a therapist to awake someone and to be shown a potential way out.

Let me try to go forward in this road...

This blog has always been a therapy for me.

What will change from now on?

Probably nothing.

Why do I bore you with all this?

Because it's my therapy. Writing things out, finding facts and pictures about the development...

Somewhere along the way it might as well become funny and interestin to witness... If it has been of some interest for any of you up to this present day, it will remain the same, too. Don't you worry :)

Now, this is what I dreamed this night:

----

Two giants fighting with a ball

trying to get hold of it

One, a muscular, strong man is dark

as the deepest bark on the oldest tree in an abandoned forest

when the ball is with him he kicks it hard

trying to push it over into a precipice

the other one, a lean , more gracile man woven of light

is also about the have the ball

if he wins over his antagonist, his plan is to deliver the ball closer to the source of light

and what a fight there is between them

wills clashing

but-

within the ball there is light

a soul that has just arrived from above

a little, mighty soul of a girl

with eyese attached on the giants

-----

right now I am confused and see myself as this cat portrayed on the photo below: S/he sees the events, is mesmerized by what s/he perceives, yet has no potential to control.

thoughts from a mother

This week we are going to the second session of kineziology (sp?) with my son. The first one was about a month ago. He liked that the lady told him things his parents use to say - if you hear it from a different source it all sounds better, doesn't it?

I think the first session was successfull - he no longer seemed to reject the idea of going to school on a daily basis. I wish the second one would be successful, too. As a mother I know he needs more encouragement. He is apt to repress and despise his personal abilities. He does not make friendship easily. He is looking for something real and sure, something he can really rely on and trust. At the same time he seeks to be loved and accepted.

He is so much like I was as a kid. But I'd wish to save him from all those pains I experienced. Being alone in a crowd, having noone to turn to, watching easy-going kids having fun, staying away from the light people... Wanting to have some fun too, but not trying to get involved into something that does not hold the promise of a real love. Not easy. I must teach him more to let him enjoy life, to avoid letting him not enjoy it, just as I did not enjoy it... I am unsure, as I am not at the end of the process of evolving either. But I'd love to see him happy...

The drawing was made by my daughter in 2004.