Mad Tree

CAUTION:

Some readers might find some of the upcoming photos and outright truth disturbing. One might wish to avert his/her eyes and perception. One might choose to see and understand. You have been warned.

Angelique commented to the last post:

'It sounds to me like a metamorphosis is taking shape before our very eyes. I cannot wait to see what exciting things are in store for you, dear blogging buddy. I know they'll be incredibly fulfilling.'

I'd like to dedicate a post to answering this.

We all face changes during the course of our lives. Sometimes a change comes dramatically, within a period of a few days or weeks, or even hours (?). Some changes evolve much more slowlier.

Now, I feel I'm changing somehow, but do not understand the new path completely, do not see the direction clearly.

The change must have started already, which accounts for my anxiety and slight discomfort. I have not reached menopause nor am I pregnant, nor am I on any medication, so these potential factors are ruled out.

What are the factors that are still within sight?

1. My kids are growing and I surely have to adjust my attitude towards them. I have new tasks around them. My younger one has started school this September and my older one is getting into the much-dreaded pre-teenager period. I was a horrible teenager. I did NOT make any mistakes like drugs and fake friends and early stupid sex, but I was a pain in the ass to my mother. I'm afraid I am to expect the same. Or something similar.

2. Our house is under reconstruction. We do the jobs, literally, with our hands. Now it has reached a phase when my help comes much more into the picture. I have to help more in building and renovating, which is all right at one hand. We'll have a nice house. But you know, I was never that help offering person. I have to learn to give more. Of my time, of my energy. Now, if you asked my husband, he would surely mention all the things I have already done around the house. But now I think I must, like double my efforts.

3. I have been writing poems and short stories. I still have to learn so many things in this field. The writing contests, be them small or somewhat bigger, and also your valuable, constructive comments are extremely helpful in developing my skills. But also, I have to learn to nurture my well of inspiration. The question of 'why am I doing it' is always up front. I have to learn to accept that some of my writing are yes, they are good, while some others are, well, not so much. I have to learn that good and bad comes together.

4. I have started reading a book called Women Who Run with the Wolves by C. P. Estés. It is lent to me by a friend, who knows I'm open to almost any esoteric pathways and solutions. This book is a guidebook to women to help them to get familiar with their feminine side, instincts, how to use them and so on. I'm at page 43, so I can't tell you more. Feminity has always been a difficult issue for me. I'm NOT deviated sexually, physically from the average, but I have/had some issues. Some of you might recall my entries about kinesiology sessions I took part around the turn of 2006/2007. I keep on reading this book seeing where it will take me.

5. Sometimes I just feel plain tired. The number of husband and wife special occassions (I refer here to evenings in a theater, at a classical music concert, hiking in the mountain) has been apprioaching zero recently. Well, in recent years. We are each other's best friend and can debate any, yes, ANY issue ranging from his uhm...interesting dreams through his boss's new habits through school issues, through my participating in a writing contests to religion, to politics and all. I blame it on the house. I love this house and I love that it's all ours, NO BANK credit involved. But....

6. There are messages about a serious economical breakdown in Hungary. It is supposed to come early next year. It might mean that there will be no electricity and shops, to name the two most important things. My husband hears forecasts not unlike to the vision displayed in the Mad Max series. This, combined with the forecats about a total world control, with minor details such as the verichip and Nais for animals in the USA, totally freak me out. Am I a freak to feel frightened? I just can not put my head into sand, pretending it's quite all right. What is the world heading to? What am I to do? Do something that will be remembered, risking my family - not really my style...or is it? Do more appropriate things to save myself and my beloved? Like keeping more chicken, having more veggies of our own, learning sewing clothes and all? Preparing for Mad Hungary and Mad World? Will it really come? Have I gone mad? OR have the world gone blind?

Now, as my bedtime story is over, pull up the blankets my dear and have a good night. Sleep tight. Or you may also opt for reading the poem I wrote on 21 Nov.

UPDATE. You are so kind and honest with me with your comments. I'm still taking a rest, but will be back soon - I already have plans! :)

Here's Mad World by Gary Jules. I don't know much about the singer, but his simple devotion and humble performance gets my admiration. The song is a bit monotonous, and for some, can feel boring, too, but now it's just matches my mood.