Expectations

Within a week I will have 

1.

bought my new digital camera, my first ever Nikon machine.

For financial reasons, it is a small one, not a bridge type, but the one that has a retractable zoom lense.

I am looking forward to it!

2.

returned from a 5 day trip to Transsylvania.

Wow.

I've been there in 2015 and 2014, as my husband gave lectures at the local Hungarian university.

So, if you add up points 1 and 2...

you'll get photos...

on this blog... :)

Be well!

about the future

I was contemplating quitting blogging.

I don't practice English as much as I'd like to and my command of the language is failing. Bit by bit, but the tendency can not be mistaken. I am not glad with what I see, but I am not sure blogging is a good way to keep up the level.

I have been writing this blog for almost 9 years now.

I went through phases of my life and I needed this journal to keep me sane, to keep me up in the current of events.

At the same time I am sure that my life is eventless. It's just that I take things deeply.

Revise: I used to take.

I am tired and confused, but try watch things come and go, embrace them be as they are. Nothing matters as much anymore as in earlier years.

The less I write, the less I want to write (it applies not only to blogging, but to writing fiction and poems as well. Oh, the sadness of it. Sometimes I am happy with non~writing, sometimes it hurts.)

Sorry guys.

I will not delete the blog however and may return anytime with any subject.

Never say never

I usually am not a fan of technology. 

But every now and then I acknowledge and/or adore the gadgets of our times.

Recently I am feeling down.

I may find (some of) the reasons behind this stage of depression, but these background issues are not what this post is about.

In this depressed mood, I, by some inspiration, have started to read through some of my old posts here.

And voila', I found that these feelings are not unique in the way that I have already had them back in some 7 years ago.

The state now I am in is not unprecedented.

(in a sense that) I do not have some new, really horrific and incurable mental condition.

I am feeling awful, but it is not anything new.

Actually, this finding is a relief.

Somehow.

In a kind of perverted way, I must admit.

Be blessed!


 

on account of the eight years

Vesper's blog turns six this very day. Here's her thoughtful post about the anniversary.

Over the years I stopped counting the years I spent in the blogosphere.

I was surprised to find out that it's been nearly eight years. My anniversary, or as they say, blogiversary is this August.

Let me give you some account of what I have experienced.

-

It all started with reading other blogs. And with having written diaries earlier before the internet was invented. And with all the inner questions, uncertainties and thoughts that needed air.

I posted a lot, maybe a bit more than needed, about many of my personal problems. I guess some, or even most of them must have been a pain in the ass for the readers.

Not that I had many, though - but each and every reader do count, for it is their attention and time and for many cases, their precious and valueable help and commitment to be there and comfort when it is needed.

I would like to thank all of my readers for bearing with me and for giving me support, care and at times, necessary warnings.

I think I was lucky to not have any of those trolls.

-

I think of visitors now, who frequented my blog for many months or years but stopped doing so. I guess their life has just taken a different turn and perhaps the tie was not strong enough to hold onto something from the past. It sure is all right.

We just don't have the time.

-

The importance of blogging has evolved during these eight years.

At the very beginning, it was just a game, a sweet nothing, it was fun.

Later on it became an absolute necessity. There were so many problems I had to sort over that I was unable to hold my thoughts for myself. I just had to share even when no-one was listening.

I found that writing helped me.

I found ways of poetic expression and I felt overly content with the outcome.

The quality of my poetic wanderings are a completely different question - I guess it was therapy.

-

If for whatever reason my poetry helped anyone else beside me, that is considered a huge bonus. It sure did help me in many ways: it helped me finding the name of the problems, which lead to finding solutions as well, AND it helped me find a way to express myself.

I found poetry and writing prose as... an aid? a way to express myself? a way to tell others about myself and about psychological issues in general?

-

So (through blogging) I took up writing as a regular hobby and also singing and found, somehow suddenly that the blogging craze has died a bit down. My life was no longer in turmoil, my thoughts were somehow even, and relaxed, I somehow gained a new, relaxed state of mind and found less and less interest in reading blogs and writing my own.

Posts have become sporadic and I read definitely less blogs as I used to to.

This era somehow coincides with the opening of face_book I guess. It must have been in the air. People have become less and less interested in reading longer posts and having larger debates and I too, have become greedier for more and more information in less and less time.

It sure sounds like a cliché.

It did got me and got hold of me for a year or two.

-

Now I feel the need for a more relaxed and slower way of communication. Although I thrive in online chatting and I like the rapid movement of information and I sure can dig deeper and did find friendships that endure, I have began to grow concerns about myself, my needs, and the proper way my soul and body should be treated.

So, I guess I am not quitting either fb or the blogosphere, but will focus more. 

I will continue to read and reflect on the blogs I now read, and I even might take up reading other blogs as well. It is the time I allocate to sitting in front of the computer and wasting my time that needs some tailoring. Reading and reflecting your valuable posts is not a waste of time in my book, so don't you worry.

I will spend less time here, though. And even less on fb.

-

I feel the need to connect with real people, on-, or offline. I have become quite alienated over these years. Many of us have experienced the same, too, I guess, I am afraid. And many of us is stuck in a rut.

I don't want to bore anyone and don't have time to be bored either.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life backwards.

I don't know how much time I have. It might be 5 years or even 60.

-

A little reminder: all my thoughts and questions about writing are now posted on my second blog HERE.

diversity

now it is official :)

all my writing-related posts are published on the other blog, while this one is personal. family issues, house-renovations, friends and the like, debates on the world, on politics, on the state of the garden and so on.

you are warmly invited to continue to frequent any, or rather, both of these blogs.
-
you know, this blog here is the older of the two. it started around 2005 and i blogged practically about everything that bothered me.
and somewhere around the summer of 2007 i started the second blog, which was supposed to support the writing of one particular novel.
short stories came and went by, i wrote the first draft to that particular novel and technical questions of writing have gained lots of importance in my life.
so i decided to officially declare that the second blog is for writing only and this, the old one is for everything else.

-
and tomorrow we are heading east, to my hometown, to the funeral.

blog news

my father keeps orchideas. he savea rain water in plastic bottles during the summer so as to have a suitable amount to supply the plants during winter and whenever they are in a good need of watering. this photo was made by my father.

this post is to remind all my kind readers that all my writing-related stuff now goes to my second blog, for those posts please visit the top one called 'and i'm writing...' on the right coloumn.

thanks for being with me.

yes, but not the cave UPDATE

I don't know if any of you take part in the Lascaux Flash contest, but in case you have not heard about it, here's me, spreading the word.

there is a photo to use as a prompt, but the writings are not judged upon how strong and obvious their connection is to the photo.

the number of contestants are already over 120, and there are 7 more days to enter.

-

My one titled 'Gratitude' appears on the site. it is a somehow dark story, not at all well-crafted. huh, I do not read and write English that mush these days. anyway, I worked on the first idea that popped into my mind, huh, that woman has a strange mind, i hear you sayin' :)))

-

A fellow blogger and faraway friend, Paul's version is also up, it's about a small kid. Paul knows a lot about kids. I liked his submission a lot.

-
My story is No 125. I dedicate it to my dearest Vesper who once said that writing enabled her to live another life whenever she felt like it.
-
Update on Monday, 17.
The number of stories border 140 and there are still a few more days to enter.
-

howl along!
this short video is a reminder.
i would like to ask you to visit my other blog.
check the news on the two latest posts.
thank you.

electro-magnetic whatever

the year is here.

we have been warned, for years and years on and on.

one of our friends said the apocalypse would take place in February 2008.

guess what, we are still here.

well, i never believed in any sort of war/zombie-type apocalypse.

but the more i experience in politics, in human behaviour, in natural studies, the more i am inclined to believe in at least a slight hiccup - when there would be no more electricity, supermarkets, central water and sewer system, no more public transport or media of any kind.

-

there are less and less jobs.

people are forced to eat junk. do useless jobs.

this just can not go on.

-

we have to hold on to what we actually have.

each other.

we need to slow down and reevaluate things, relationships. the weight and true importance of these things in our lives.

-

like i plan to print all my writings. to have them on paper.

i might as well use them to start a fire to prevent us from freezing.

i might as well read them to my grandchildren.

just in case.

i do not want to leave the world without leaving any marks.

i want my thoughts on paper.

-

these are the thoughts my mind is occupied with these days.

your thoughts are welcomed.

updated ?

why?
i was so happy with the former type of settings.
i kept receiving messages about the *new*, *updated version* of blogger.
with some misbelief, i kept saying no.
the new version was not installed.
i was kind of happy.
until this very day, when the usual settings disappeared.
i was FORCED to try this new version - and this is just exactly how the system takes control.
blah.
i wish i had the chance...
no.
i'm already eaten.
:(

NaNo questions :)

it happened just a couple of hours after having lamented on my other English blog on the lack of ideas....
i had to take a train and then had to walk 30 minutes...
and as i was watching the signs of autumn around me....
-
i was asking myself the following:
Q1-
why do i find my idea for NaNo'11 somewhat boring?
(a post-apocalyptic half-romance, half-realistic story centered around a woman who has nearly lost everything but her faith?)
is it, and/or the setting truly boring?
do you feel it overrepresented/overshared in/by movies/modern literature?
what is you opinion?
2-
can i come up with something i, the writer-to-be like?
-
-
answers to question 1 are kindly waited/appreciated among the comments of this post, thank you very much :)
-
one potential answer to question 2 was this: whoa, yes, and i started scribbling frantically on the street, not really caring about the passers-by. mind you there were not many of them, you see, it was a bit raining :) :)
-
so i have this other idea: it's about a half human, half other-wordly creature, and their species is about to invade the earth.
what dou you think about it?

Light (entry # 33)

They were called lamps.
Grandma told me her great-grandmother told her so. They were fixed up inside, on the walls and on the ceiling of the lairs, called houses at that time.
But now comes the part that my friends laugh the most: these lamps had their own light even when it was dark outside.
I guess this is just some fancy stuff, a make-believe people say.

I don’t think I eat this up, because not even Grandma has ever seen such a thing.
But her great-grandmother did and her husband too – he saw that one huge lamp fixed on the sky. He got that disease then, or this is how the story goes.
Our family line was ready by then. That great-grandmother was pregnant and we are here because she, unlike her husband, was at a safe place.

Grandma said everything was toast for a long time. At first I didn’t understand, but she explained a word may have more than one meaning. It still sounds funny.

Now all the light we have comes from the Sun and the Moon.

The other evening we were sitting with Hikari beside the lake and saw two moons. One, fragile and thin on the water, one, solid and cold in the sky. I said she was both attractive and unattainable. Hikari said it only makes her more beautiful. He kissed me and talked about men walking on the surface of the Moon.

I love how he makes stories just to me.

propaganda :)

why yes, this is a propaganda for Jason's contest, which now has 40 entries, with number 33 being mine :)

at the same time i dedicate this post to draw your attention to THIS POST.

below are my notes, just my two cents about the subject - the same lines i commented to the post mentioned below.

my lines might make you want to read the original post... ;)

it can't be that easy to balance between showing bad and good characters of a certain nation/religious group/community when there's a definite negative air (of media) around that group. if the author goes all negative - it's another pro-group voice in the mainstream. it's propaganda, as you said, and no one wants to read that, either. if the book is all positive then the author might get accused of being partial...or writing propaganda...

at the same time no one likes people who sit on the fence....

-

oh, and the time and difficulty i had choosing the name of the boy in that short story for Jason's contest.
i wanted a male name that means 'light'.
i surfed the internet.
i found tonnes of Hebrew names.
i said no.
i found Indian names. i discarded them because i thought those would have been misleading as to the setting and time of my story.
i found an Arabic one. i liked it a lot. i discarded it because... i thought it might provoke unwanted directions in the reader's head.
so i chose a Japanese one.

go figure :(

elemental contest :)

Jason is having a contest this Wednesday.

There is a photo for inspiration, which I already have because he let us peek into it :)

Today I wrote my contribution as well. It is clearly influenced by a book I’m reading right now (by the way, I’m reading it for the second time), but I digress.

If you visit Jason's site you may read lots of great entries. You may even write your own story, for the rules are clearly set, and enter the contest. You may enter to try to win, but if you arelooking for literary enjoyment, you’ll be having one for sure.

And then there’s the supportive community of published authors and damn good amateurs.

Go!

By the way, the photo is titled ’elemental’.

anthology

and yes, the anthology that contains pieces written by the members of the local writers' group is ready and published.

-

as some of you may know, there is a special series of cultural events called "the week of book" in Hungary. it is a nationwide event. most publishing houses come out with lots of different books. new and well-known authors, all kinds of genres alike: this week is to celebrate reading and books in general. most libraries have at least one special event, larger ones have a whole week filled with a series of events like meeting the author(s), discussing a special book.

-

i have three entries published in the anthology, which was introduced on 2 June, as the first event of the week, they are: Winter Fairy (a 4 stanza, abab rhyming poem about the natural wonders and the harsh reality of winter) , Fellas (a short story about the end of a friendship between a blackbird and a hen - of course this one is a parabole) and Homeward bound (a short story in three pieces about a roadside mistery and about at least 3 deaths)

i translated the latter and put it up here a while ago. for the first piece click HERE.

-

so, on 2 June, the authors were seated in front of the visitors and the professional leader of the group (an acknowledged young poet) introduced us and the book. this quite formal talk was followed by a short, informal meeting between the readers and us, and the evening was finished off in a pizza bar with lots of friendly discussions. we just simply enjoyed that we reached this stage.

-

if i had to choose one word to describe the evening it would be: 'unbelievable'

i translate and write articles to magazines, so i frequently do see my name in print. it can't be that. my poems and short stories are being published in a virtual writers' site. people can read and comment on my writing... so it can't be that either.

is it the form?

that this anthology is a book, a good-old fashioned, REAL book?

:)

this feeling makes me happy, makes me want to learn more about good writing, makes me want to write more, makes me excited and horrified at the same time.

:)

wow, i had to face potential readers...

Jerom and his story

now, i know i've been quite a bad blogger these times.

but somehow i happen to have noticed something similar among the blogs i usually visit.

is it that we have less time?

or is it that people do not find blogging as satisfying/interesting/useful as they used to?

-

too bad, for if one blogger starts to neglect his blog, some other might not feel the drive to post regularly, and then a third one and so on...

if this is a community, it will surely die off gradually, one after another.

-

i am not sure if this is the case, i was just wondering...

-

yesterday a great idea hit me, and i wrote it (wrote it out?) in the afternoon.

it's called Jerom's story.

-

here's the synopsis:

Jerom, finds himself locked in a mental asylum. he finds most of his inmates are criminals. he is convinced he himself is not insane.

he makes friends and starts to feel at home, but still does not know why he is locked up here in the first place.

on a rainy day he starts hearing voices talking to him.

eventually, he becomes insane.

the staff finds out and reassures him in his (new?) state of mind.

Jerom finds being insane a great way to feel happy about being locked in.

he no longer cares about the reason.

-

now, i planned to have a second part and a third part, too.

in the 2nd part, the readers gets to know about the reason Jerom is in the asylum.

in the 3rd part, the reader finds out about Jerom's background. like a neglecting and/or abusive relative or something like that.

-

now, i don't think i want to write part 2 and 3.

-

my reasons:

to follow up the intensity of part one, part 2 should be gory and sick. i don't think i want to write that way.

part 3 on the other hand, should be a cover up for Jerom's sin.

and i don't think i want to give Jerom a pat on the shoulder. i don't think i want to take away the guilt. if Jerom did wrong, he should be punished. if Jerom, say, mutilated and or killed his wife, or set a little baby on fire - this is crime and evil. i don't want to give hims redemption by saying: 'oh, you poor Jerom, you did have a nasty childhood'.

-

what's your opinion?

yesterday i watched 'After Life' for the second time.

i like it's notion about the human spirit wandering around, in an in-between phase between the time of death and the spirit's actual departure, but the films also refers to the meaning of life and of the importance of loving and daring to love.

for some of the unfortunate ones out there, loving (giving love) is a matter of risking their own self, their safety, their comfort.

i feel for them, for this must be a difficult path.

i don't know if these people want to get off of their olde ways...

i know these people suffer from not being able to love affectionately, even if they pretend the opposite....

deep inside these people are either careless dumbasses, or fragile thinkers who make their days worse on a daily basis... or deep inside they are both - switch back and forth as per day, per hours, per the level of certain hormones, per ... whatever....

the fear of loosing control and safety...

-

why? all the sudden, this post that resembles the ones i wrote 4-5 years ago?

no answer for that - other than today i met my lost lover in my dream and he paid no attention to me at all...

but grievance is passing me and finally it will diminish to an acceptable, almost intraceable level...

and the left side of my brain nods encouragingly...

it smiles, too: this is how things should be.

-

these times i revaluate the things around me: blogging, everyday chores, even love and family.

-

sometimes time is like a giant wheel... it takes you back to places you thought you left well behind...like you know... as in: 'shit happens'

looking forward to 2011

it's a new title and even the title sounds more optimistic, doesn't it?

for the year 2011 we are planning to move on with the renovation and certain jobs in the garden should definitely be done already (like creating a paved garden path, and re-locating the fireplace to another, more shady place.)

also, i'm planning to

... have both my kids entered into a new school.

...have my teeth finished (i broke my upper jaw, lost four teeth in an accident last October, the second dental surgery is scheduled for 7 february)

...have lots of great family events...

...travel to finland with the women's choir in mid-may :)

...write, write and write... (recently i have almost given up writing in English... i just don't see the point. i don't know... any opinions in this matter?)

...do lots of exercises... (the accident and my lazyness is starting to cause some pain in my lower back and i really, really don't like it)

-

anyway, here is a photo I made earlier this january.

this is my son's cake for his 14th birthday (which is on 30 december) - i posted the photo to acknowledge the baking and decoration talent of my mother in law.

you may want to click on the photo to see those chicken more (they are made of marzipan, by my husband). the chicken are placed on top of an old-fashioned radio.

the inscription, of old hungarian runes read: pak-pak, which is just a fun way to say quack-quack (ie. what a chicken would say) in a childish language.

and here's another photo my husband made last december. can you spot my daughter in the picture? she's extremely good at climbing. she is about 3-3.5 metres high in a pine-bush, it's a tree with actually no solid branches. watching her doing this trick just sends shivers down my spine :)

what are your plans for 2011? share in the commets, please.

looking back on 2010

here are some photos as i promised in the last post. while taking the bad into consideration, i also wanted to have a small collection of positive memories of the past year.

-

this one here was made on June 5, when we travelled with the women's choir to give a concert at Nagyszalonta. the trip was awesome, we saw museums and wondered around the streets of a lovely small country town.

the second one is a tribute to the chicken and the garden. if you click on the photo you will be able to see the chicken yard with animals of various age, color and gender. in the background, behind the chicken yard, there is the vegetable garden. you can see the purple echinacea bordering the lines from the left and a bunch of calendulas on the right. in between the two valuable herbs, there are small bushes of tomatoes.

heavy rains resulted in a humid autumn with lots of mushrooms - the third photo was made when the family (we, as four and my husband's mother and my kids' three cousins) went on a mushroom-hunting trip to the nearby forest. the photo depicts what the kids found beside lots of mushrooms.

in november we had a kind invitation from a friend of us, who took me to the Hungarian Krishna valley. some other day i will make a short collection of the photos i made there, but now here's only one of them.

goodbye 2010....
it was nice to have you - but now, filled with the hopes and the changes inside me, i already feel much better.

a bad balance

dear all,

i feel somehow in need of retrospecting 2010.

i have to go back to a year earlier.

last december i summarized 2009.

putting all the good and bad, all the events, experiences, influences into consideration i found a somehow happy balance.

why do i write about it now?

why do i contemplate 2009, why do i do it now, a few hours before the beginning of a party that is supposed to bid farewell to 2010?

-

at the first glance 2010, as a year seems to be one of the bad ones.

i know my vision is blurred by the unfortunate accident of early october...

-

you know, i still can't get some of my memories i gathered that evening out of my head.

i can still recall hearing the crackling of my bones inside my skull, and can still re-live the fear i felt when i first dared to look into the mirror.

it was the inevitable turn of events that petrified me the most.

i felt that because of the unfortunate fall, my face will never look the same again.

i felt i lost something.

something that used to be me.

i know that 2 of my 4 front teeth were of irregular shape and i didn't particularly liked the way they looked.

but the moment i met my new face on the mirror, blood mixed with saliva drooling out of my mouth, splashing everywhere in the handwash basin of the bathroom - i knew this was a moment that had a 'before side' and an 'after side' and the two sides would never meet.

-

perhaps i am wrong.

deep down i am well aware that it is just the physical that was changed and i am still the same.

-

this year i had another unexpectedly bitter experience.

i had a highschool friend who got married.

this is great news, isn't it?

this friend has been suffering from the lack of a permanent relationship in his last 15 or so years. i knew he was suffering. he shared some of his struggles.

our lives don't really cross each other's often...

we mean a lot to each other, or so i thought...
for in march he got married and forgot to invite me. all right, it was an intimate ceremony. not a big deal.
he forgot to mention to me that he was to get married.
i had to get the information from his online diary, which makes me feel abandoned. left out.
perhaps i overestimated the importance of our friendship. i mean he was important to me, but there was not a balance. i was not as important for him as he was for me.
-
and here comes a twist.
since i felt neglected i was unable to feel positive towards his new-found happyness.
and i miss it.
i think it has been rude of me to not radiate some positive thoughts, virtual or otherwise towards him and, see - it's still difficult for me to say it, for his partner, a young and lively lady (i met her in person, because he did brought her to us in the summer).
and i think my rudeness deserves some punishment.
-
just lately i have been thinking about this 'need for punishment' type of thing is kind of streching my mental health.
just lately i have been gathering that there are other areas of my life.
i'm in a kind of struggle, and right now as i'm typing my heart aches.
perhaps i'm taking it too far on me, and perhaps i also should stop whining and self-pitying.
-
working outside in the cold helps, playing with my kids helps, writing helps, and the list is endless.
perhaps this relationship should have ended anyway.
we might have been lovers, but as a married, and happily married woman with two kids this was not a realistic option for me, even with an exceptionally understanding husband :)
and yes, i talked about it with my husband.
-
and now, some positive words about 2010.
to get any, i have to look through the photographs i made this year.
-
to be continued in 2011 :)