On family constellations

This is just the shortest summary:

Wow. Just wow.

I played myself and arrived to my original family and was welcomed by the helpers who played my father and mother.

It felt awesome.

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During the day I took part as a helper and played relatives of other people. Again, please note that using the word 'play' is in no way to refer to the ongoing events as if they were a theatrical act. Family constellations are in no way a drama sessions in a theater or high school. Whatever :)

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If you are open minded and wish to find connections to your ancestors, wish to find more about your motives and dispositions, and wish to accept changes within yourself then this is the right therapy for you.

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Nuff said, be well!

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The following photo is from the internet. It depicts the Fishermen's Bastion. After the day was over we climbed the stairs to the Buda castle and took a one hour walk around. The Fishermen's Bastion is one of the things we saw.

Aspen

European aspen (Populus tremula) is blooming these days, actually for weeks here in Hungary. The male flower has a cotton-like flying soft structure that triggers an allergic reaction. I am surprised because this is the first time my reaction is so obvious.

I know I am allergic to ragweed (Ambrosia artemisiifolia), and I have been living with it in the past 15-20 years. Luckily for me, my symptoms have been reduced to a bearable level by eating bits of the fresh plant before and during the season.

This aspen allergy is kind of new - although when I come to think of it, ithas been getting worse over the past couple of years.

Now it reached a level where my eyes are swollen and when outdoors, I keep sneezing and my nose keeps running.

So, here's the story - I visited a therapist who is both specialist in mental therapy and applied kinesiology.

She pointed out that the Latin (and the Hungarian) name of the plant refers to a specific behaviour of aspen: that is, trembling, fluttering, wiggling, vibrating upon the slightest wind. Aspen represents my state - the way I react to my environment. I have a tendency to overreact, and a tendency to react to anything I reckon whether it is my duty or not. I want to have control over things I know I have not and the non-controlling, the continous failure to control and the continous income flow of impulses makes me nervous and exhausted.

This is the reason behind my allergy.

We elaborated on this topic a bit.

I have to learn to let things remain uncontrolled, especially if said events are none of my business, or of lesser importance. I have to focus and stay calm. Or so are the first steps of the healing process.

 

perfections and illusions

tonight i had a dream.

in this dream, for the thousand time, i met a situation, a circumstance, something, someone (choose one of your preference) that has been lurking around in my dreams, my everydays, my visions, my emails, my life in the past 10 or so years.

all these years i was well aware that the haunting, the tempting, the wish, the opportunity, the chance was not real.

i did toy with the idea of trying to rush in, of quitting, of swaying, of falling apart, but i remained calm, well, mostly on the outside, with turbulences, whirlwinds, lapses of reasons inside - and kept the status quo.

but no matter the facts, the reactions, the reasoning, the logic, i kept dreaming, having visions and dreams of what ifs, and what if nots.

today the dream was different.

i saw, felt and understood the aforementined something as it always was, or what i always knew it was but was tempted to refuse to see, feel and understand.

yet, for the first time it felt realistic.

it was a palpable, everyday situation.

it might mean i am getting closer to a solution, if any, or to that i am simply closing any future pathways to any chances.

the dream might mean that i have no illusions anymore.

i am still in awe of the depth of the dream.
do share any of your thoughts this post has awaken.

the song may or may not represent the feelings of one, or more of the parties involved. basically, i am not crying over anyone, including myself - but a little crying every now and then is relaxing, a must if you like, and listening to kd lang duetting with roy orbison does always good.

electro-magnetic whatever

the year is here.

we have been warned, for years and years on and on.

one of our friends said the apocalypse would take place in February 2008.

guess what, we are still here.

well, i never believed in any sort of war/zombie-type apocalypse.

but the more i experience in politics, in human behaviour, in natural studies, the more i am inclined to believe in at least a slight hiccup - when there would be no more electricity, supermarkets, central water and sewer system, no more public transport or media of any kind.

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there are less and less jobs.

people are forced to eat junk. do useless jobs.

this just can not go on.

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we have to hold on to what we actually have.

each other.

we need to slow down and reevaluate things, relationships. the weight and true importance of these things in our lives.

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like i plan to print all my writings. to have them on paper.

i might as well use them to start a fire to prevent us from freezing.

i might as well read them to my grandchildren.

just in case.

i do not want to leave the world without leaving any marks.

i want my thoughts on paper.

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these are the thoughts my mind is occupied with these days.

your thoughts are welcomed.

on mobiles and meditation

this thursday we had a friend for lunch (uhm, no, we did not eat him...)

his hobbies are meditation, fengshui and the like.

he taught us some basic steps of hand/ear/foot massage.

the hours he spent with us sharing his knowledge and exploring some of the fengshui aspects of our house were all relaxing.

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at one point during the day, annoyed by the number of incoming calls, my husband switched his cellphone to silent mode. some 3 hours later we discovered that there had been 4 unreturned calls.

horrified by the frequency of the calls, we lamented about the fast pace of these times and how unhealthy this world was.

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then the friend had to go, and my husband escorted him to the train station on foot. he did so to elongate the friendly talk a bit... to soothe his own nerves...

at first i suggested to make up for the loss of time and take his mobile as well so that on the way home he can return the calls one by one.

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we were standing in the kitchen and for a while we stared at one another.

i changed my mind: leave your cellphone here. don't bother about returning the calls while immersed in the thoughts your friend has given you. think about his words, you interaction, try to relax a bit more.

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we all agreed this was the right decision.

sometimes it takes just to let the world go by, to allow us some time and energy to recompose ourselves.

left and right

With a right hand bent at elbow

a spoon is balanced.

Each drop is being watched.

With a bottle in the left hand

the syrup is given:

'There, there, open your mouth...

it will be okay!'

Order, discipline,

solid arguments

in the left head.

Rational and consequent,

patient to judge.

With a gun swinging in the right hand

the right wrist ripped open,

one foot a-stomping;

the other, kicking a bottle on the ground.

Yelling violently:

'I live as I dare

and you shall not come into way'

And in the right head there's

swirling, taking and re-taking wings,

stumbling, straggling love,

infinite.

One thread, another and the third:

with a slow ripening Indian knowledge

time is a-woven.

Two heads, two times, two hearts.

Upon the skin of the tree, there's a burrow; upon the burrow, there's a drop of water; within the drop of water, there's light; within light, there is the skin of the tree.

Evening, nestle me smooth.

Nestle me, smooth dream,

Look at me when I am with you.

Look right and look left.

Look at me.

I am the mirror.

winter haiku

i.

a dead bird, fallen

frozen in the pile of snow -

the sunlight is cold

ii.

white flakes soar about -

a squirrel searches the snow

for hidden walnuts

iii.

a blaze of ice roars

through a row of barren trees -

skeletons' galore

iv.

a drip, another

ice melts drop by drop by drop

a puddle awaits

Pedro part two is on the way -

travelling inside - UPDATED entry

I am not being lazy, I was just occupied looking a bit inside.

In the period between 9 and 20 of February, I attended two kinesiology sessions (one for me, one for my son) and two meditations (one alone in a company of women and one in the same company, but taking my son with me as well.)

I do feel well.

And I sing a lot. I would switch to one of my favourite tunes and would sing along with the singer. One may laugh at me, but singing out loud does good to your soul. Provided that the neighbour does not hear you - so I watch myself so as not to outsing the original version :)

I think I will update sooner or later, but I'm off to do some cleaning in the house. - I'm done with that.

Kinesiology: I'm ever so glad I've started this. The therapist made me look into my past and see the reasons of some burdens I used to carry. For now I believe I have put them down. There are things at least that I can cope better with. Things that I can accept more. These alone were worth the money. It is clearly better for me and so for my family as well. My son? We'll see how he reacts and how he copes with the things he heard there. He takes the drops regularly and does the little mantras regularly, too.

Meditation: It was my 2nd and 3rd guided meditation. If that is what meditation is, then I've been doing it at some subconscious level since like ages :) Somewhere back in August 2006, I participated one guided meditation and now I had similar feelings, especially at the 3rd one, which one was on February 20, and where I took my 10-yo son as well. He did not want to take part, but I convinced him - 'how can you reject a good thing without even trying?' There were two parts and I told him he was allowed to leave in between - but surprise, surprise, he insisted to stay!

It was the kind of meditation when the whole group does the same thing. It is believed/supposed to make the meditation stronger. We both had strange and intense feelings.

Photos by me on January 27. Location: Pál-völgyi barlang, Budapest. Some of the inside photos show dripstone formations.

This is the second update to this single entry. I was thinking of doing this at all - but since I have no other form of written diary, it is inevitable. So, the part from now on is highly personal. You are welcomed to read, but consider yourself having been warned.

Kinesiology: I'm heading towards being content with being a woman. It was not always this way. My parents wanted a boy and although in a subtle and strange way, unfortunately they did express their dissatisfaction. As far as I recall I was made to believe that had I been born a boy, their marriage would have lasted for longer. Which is, as far as I know now is not true. My father and my mother married for they loved each other and love as such, blinded them both. They were unable to see the vast gap between them, in almost every aspect of life. Such is love. This love produced a baby, who thought she had to fit into the world as a boy. Secretly, though as obviously she was born with female organs and female disposition, including being attracted by (and to) men. Still, she thought she had to be and act like a man and befit to the role of a man. That is what she used to think. Now the kin. session has made me see that when I had been high above (pre-born), I had wanted to become a woman. So that's why I became the one who I became. What my parents wanted and wished for is not my trouble. They loved me, they did not love each other. They still do love me in their own special ways, and they still do not love each other. That's why they divorced when I was 12. But as I was upbrought by my mother, somehow, some of the programs of life she uses has been transferred to me. This is rather unfortunate as I have my own life. The second session was about a disposition I learned from my mother, unconsciously, during my years with her. This does not belong to me. My way of life, my loving is different and it should be. I'm still working on it and it helps over the bumps of our marriage we've been experienced in the past six-seven months. This session helps me overcome my jealousy... that tells it all...
Meditation: meditation is exhilarating. It either opens new horizons for me or simply releases the stress. I believe to have undergone an OBE in August 2006 and I think this is just what happened this time, February 19 2007. In the first part yesterday, we had to experience a path bordered by rose-shrubs that lead to a house. The door oopened and there was a man in the door, but I had to remove it as the leader of the maditaion spoke of no person inside. I reckon this as an excercise for sticking to the point. I saw the man, but I had to remove him from the meditation. Then we had to saw photos on the wall and again I saw pictures, but I had to sweep them away in exchange for the images we were told to see. This is did well. On the second part we had to relax at a side of a lake and then go uphill to meet a lama. This meditation was aimed at meeting him as a spiritual helper. We had to ask questions and had to wait and accept the answer. On the way to the hill we had to let go off our physical and emotional burdens in two steps. This is when I felt as if I had been shelled and only a light-brown inner self was left behind. Later on the brown had gone and only a white-ish body remained. It was me, but without the usual body. The outline was the same, but the flesh as seen by my everyday self has gone. It came so unexpectedly. I met the lama and put forth one of the questions (would the political and economical changes come true as it was foretold by the wise?) He said yes. Then I asked my second question (would our house be remodelled before the crisis?) he answered yes. Then I, slightly disappointed asked him whether he was able to say anything besides 'yes' to my questions. And began thinking of other q's. But first of all, one came into my mind. (would the relationship between me and my husband work out for good, finally?) I added that probably this is the most important question of all. And the lama said yes, this is the most important. He reassured me of this q being the most essential one, but he did not said yes or no. Maybe this was his answer that this is the question of questions and this has to be answered before anything. The tone he used suggested that it will be allright and right now we are working on it and that we have to work on it, putting everything else behind. Before the lama and I parted he (according to the instructor) gave me love energy from his heart-chakra. We were told to experience a light blue streak of energy. It came right as a punch into me, wow. Going down on the hill was an easy walk now. I enjoyed every moment of this meditation. And it is always so hard to get out of it - I wish I could stay longer...

If you have come to read this closing line, well, you know something more and something intimate about me. Use it wisely, my friend.

Be well and thanks again for the encouraging words.

reflection

This is a medium sized back-water branch.

Riding in the motor-boat was, despite the constant buzzing of the engine, a quiet and relaxing journey. I enjoyed the silence I heard beyond the noise. I watched the river itself and its banks. Trees, various smaller plants and sometimes birds - the area was filled with life. Life is a wonderfully woven thick curtain here.

I sat there and contemplated what I saw. I tried to get involved in the carpet. My impression was that what we see in the surface of the water is similar to what we apprehend from the life that is around us. It is a mere illusion, a reflection, a two-dimensional fragile perception. The real thing is what is above the water - so diverse, well-structured with sharp outlines. We, or most of us live in the water, or some inches above the surface, believing what we see is what we and our life, our surroundings are all about.

It is not before one raises oneself above significantly higher that one understands the whole thing. The carpet, the interrelations, that there is a Sun... Pondering my way through all these, I found peace there, again.

- These were my thoughts there.

afterpieces of an out-of-body experience

This Sunday (9 July), I had a wonderful experience. I took part in a meditation, where the leader guided us to meet what is supposed to be our inner and higher self. It was not an extraordinarily new idea to me that our body is not our equivalent. Also, that one has to be thankful for God (Mother Earth and higher spirit, whatever) for having received a body for the fulfillment of one's tasks is also an idea that did not struck me as brand new this afternoon.

What I want to express here is the unexpressable. My trouble is that although many of the ideas presented there and on other spiritual forums is familiar to me, I have hard times verbalizing my experiences, efforts and thoughts. Not to mention that I have a bit of hard times right now - I am trying to reflect on and explain something I find hard to vocalize in my own language, in a language not mine.

Well, it was not my very first out-of-body experience. The thing is one can not be completely sure as the thing s/he felt was a real out of body experience and that s/he really took the journey to those places. I think it's my shortsightedness or lack of experience that makes me feel this way. Had I more expriences in the field, I would able to see more clearly. There's only one way to cure it: more experiences. More relevant reading and studying.

The Sunday journey was so very much refreshing. It filled me up with energy. On my way home, I went afoot. I felt lithe and zippy and somehow out of our present day again. But this time I had a better onlook on things, than in the days of depression. I spyed things from above, from a higher level of frequency. I jumped through water puddles with an awesome grace. My leaps in the air were effortless, yet completely controlled. I felt divine.

I had to walk through a bridge. Through the river Danube, as the event took place in Budapest and I went not to my home but to my MILO's place.

I arrived to the bridge, to one of the oldest and largest of the town. It does not corss the river in a squarely fashion. As there is an island in the middle of the river, the bridge bends and is much longer as it should normally be.

I kept on my happy pace and as I looked around, watching the world as a glamorous scenery around, where I am a free soul, I found my eyesight pondering above the water. The Danube was light brown (filthy from the city) and wide. It whirled around and every here and there I saw serious drifts in the surface. My eyes were set on those abysses (the water is deep here). I felt mesmerized. I hardly could avert my eyes. And I felt falling. Theoretically.

From the fancy heights collapsed I, down to the drift. The feeling was unescapable.

I felt hopeless and down.

I had to take some time to gather myself and walk away. I did not want to jump, my friends. I felt sorry/anger/frustration because water could take my good and high mood away. Water took me off to a lower level of frequency. It had powers beyond me.

I don't understand as I never was afraid of water or of being drowned. Instead, I used to fear of being electrocuted by some electricity short-cut or a broken machine.

Did I have this feeling because I allowed water and all forms of water into my soul? I don't think so as I did not allowed it in - it was already there and I just let it out.

I have to work on it.