The first semester

My son is finally home for another two weeks. He has finished the first semester of the MSc graduate training at Sopron to become a forest engineer.

Now there are only 9 more semesters to go. I know, I know, this is just the beginning. But if he keeps liking the things he studies here and the prospects of life his future diploma may hold, he will keep on marching towards his MSc title.

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My tennis elbow on the other hand feels all right. I mean it does not go away. I overloaded my body with lots of gardening stuff in mid to late October in 2015 so by early November my right forearm has become deformed. Not knowing of the condition and to avoid pain I kept my forearm in slightly arched position and it stayed. I was practically unable to straighten it. A bit frightening sight, if you ask me. So I had to visit a specialist and by mid December I received two steroid injections. The deformity has gone now. Certain movements do hurt (like I twisting my hand when I am holding onto something between my fingers such as opening a door with a key). I can not lift anything heavy and I can not chop firewood. Well, I can, per se, but when I do such activities say more than 3 (not an accurate number, just a guess) times per day my night's gone due to the pain.

I hope to get recovery by March for the pruning season.

My chances are low.

Wow.

I am beginning to sound like the Dear Cat Diary, heh.

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about the future

I was contemplating quitting blogging.

I don't practice English as much as I'd like to and my command of the language is failing. Bit by bit, but the tendency can not be mistaken. I am not glad with what I see, but I am not sure blogging is a good way to keep up the level.

I have been writing this blog for almost 9 years now.

I went through phases of my life and I needed this journal to keep me sane, to keep me up in the current of events.

At the same time I am sure that my life is eventless. It's just that I take things deeply.

Revise: I used to take.

I am tired and confused, but try watch things come and go, embrace them be as they are. Nothing matters as much anymore as in earlier years.

The less I write, the less I want to write (it applies not only to blogging, but to writing fiction and poems as well. Oh, the sadness of it. Sometimes I am happy with non~writing, sometimes it hurts.)

Sorry guys.

I will not delete the blog however and may return anytime with any subject.

44

It's been that long and I am getting tired.

Or it is just that the sunless, foggy days wear me out.

I keep making lists of things I have not done, or have done wrongly, done instead of something more reasonable, or the opposite, more while listening to my intuition.

I am almost 100 % sure that making such lists is not the best one can ever do. One should rather focus on the positive events, on the happy achievements, on the appreciatiations, the positive feedback one gets from here and there.

I know, I know.

But anyway, it's my birthday and I allow myself to spoil it as much as I like.

on the virtual online course

it is now the fifth week of the course.

weekly lectures are published in chapters each Friday.

I watched the first chapter on the next week, and had to miss weeks 2, 3, and 4. now I am catching up and watch these chapters 2, 3 and 4 (three weeks) in a row.

unfortunately, the material so far has not been as satisfying as I expected.

for one, the course focuses on online storytelling (tv serials, webisodes), which is definitely not an area for me. and also, the theoretical 

material they are sharing is far from being really on-the-spot. it's more like an introduction to something. a feed for discussion, maybe.

and here comes my part ... there is an ongoing debate, in a forum style, which, honest, I do not follow. it is simply impossible to read all that stuff that people all around the world contribute.

one might pick a topic randomly and read a couple of comments, but the vast amount of written material repels me.

there is no guarantee that that particular thread I read is of importance for me. and my clock is ticking.

so, this course so far is a kind of a disappointment.

I'm still in, have not unenrolled, but I have doubts about the use of it.

return to poetry, now official :)

I am attending a 10 week poetry course that started this Friday (27 Sept).
It is organized by the writers' group and the leader is a young poet who comes to the classes from the capital.
What does this mean?
I've been experiencing some shift and being-out-of-place lately when visiting online sites, fb included, of writers of various genres. I felt I was the odd one out because everyone seemed to have focused on writing, and by that I mean writing every day, some no matter what, and some in genres that make the hair rise on my back. Don't get me wrong: it is a-okay to focus on writing while you are a writer.
I think I've just figured out that I was just not a writer. May never be, and this feeling is kind of liberating.
I am someone who writes, but writing is not my everyday profession. Writing helps me and I'd like to help/entertain/educate others, raise consciousness whatever, but I am no tradesman.
I am Dario Naharis, if you like, I write when my Muse tells me so, and while I love, love polishing my style and gathering technical tips for writing, there is life and unless the not composing of a writing makes me feel uncomfortable, I do not compose anything, thank you Gustav Holst.
So I feel the pressure on me is lifted and I am free again.
And what will I do with this new-found freedom?
I will write, you guessed it right.

on account of the eight years

Vesper's blog turns six this very day. Here's her thoughtful post about the anniversary.

Over the years I stopped counting the years I spent in the blogosphere.

I was surprised to find out that it's been nearly eight years. My anniversary, or as they say, blogiversary is this August.

Let me give you some account of what I have experienced.

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It all started with reading other blogs. And with having written diaries earlier before the internet was invented. And with all the inner questions, uncertainties and thoughts that needed air.

I posted a lot, maybe a bit more than needed, about many of my personal problems. I guess some, or even most of them must have been a pain in the ass for the readers.

Not that I had many, though - but each and every reader do count, for it is their attention and time and for many cases, their precious and valueable help and commitment to be there and comfort when it is needed.

I would like to thank all of my readers for bearing with me and for giving me support, care and at times, necessary warnings.

I think I was lucky to not have any of those trolls.

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I think of visitors now, who frequented my blog for many months or years but stopped doing so. I guess their life has just taken a different turn and perhaps the tie was not strong enough to hold onto something from the past. It sure is all right.

We just don't have the time.

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The importance of blogging has evolved during these eight years.

At the very beginning, it was just a game, a sweet nothing, it was fun.

Later on it became an absolute necessity. There were so many problems I had to sort over that I was unable to hold my thoughts for myself. I just had to share even when no-one was listening.

I found that writing helped me.

I found ways of poetic expression and I felt overly content with the outcome.

The quality of my poetic wanderings are a completely different question - I guess it was therapy.

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If for whatever reason my poetry helped anyone else beside me, that is considered a huge bonus. It sure did help me in many ways: it helped me finding the name of the problems, which lead to finding solutions as well, AND it helped me find a way to express myself.

I found poetry and writing prose as... an aid? a way to express myself? a way to tell others about myself and about psychological issues in general?

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So (through blogging) I took up writing as a regular hobby and also singing and found, somehow suddenly that the blogging craze has died a bit down. My life was no longer in turmoil, my thoughts were somehow even, and relaxed, I somehow gained a new, relaxed state of mind and found less and less interest in reading blogs and writing my own.

Posts have become sporadic and I read definitely less blogs as I used to to.

This era somehow coincides with the opening of face_book I guess. It must have been in the air. People have become less and less interested in reading longer posts and having larger debates and I too, have become greedier for more and more information in less and less time.

It sure sounds like a cliché.

It did got me and got hold of me for a year or two.

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Now I feel the need for a more relaxed and slower way of communication. Although I thrive in online chatting and I like the rapid movement of information and I sure can dig deeper and did find friendships that endure, I have began to grow concerns about myself, my needs, and the proper way my soul and body should be treated.

So, I guess I am not quitting either fb or the blogosphere, but will focus more. 

I will continue to read and reflect on the blogs I now read, and I even might take up reading other blogs as well. It is the time I allocate to sitting in front of the computer and wasting my time that needs some tailoring. Reading and reflecting your valuable posts is not a waste of time in my book, so don't you worry.

I will spend less time here, though. And even less on fb.

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I feel the need to connect with real people, on-, or offline. I have become quite alienated over these years. Many of us have experienced the same, too, I guess, I am afraid. And many of us is stuck in a rut.

I don't want to bore anyone and don't have time to be bored either.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life backwards.

I don't know how much time I have. It might be 5 years or even 60.

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A little reminder: all my thoughts and questions about writing are now posted on my second blog HERE.

perfections and illusions

tonight i had a dream.

in this dream, for the thousand time, i met a situation, a circumstance, something, someone (choose one of your preference) that has been lurking around in my dreams, my everydays, my visions, my emails, my life in the past 10 or so years.

all these years i was well aware that the haunting, the tempting, the wish, the opportunity, the chance was not real.

i did toy with the idea of trying to rush in, of quitting, of swaying, of falling apart, but i remained calm, well, mostly on the outside, with turbulences, whirlwinds, lapses of reasons inside - and kept the status quo.

but no matter the facts, the reactions, the reasoning, the logic, i kept dreaming, having visions and dreams of what ifs, and what if nots.

today the dream was different.

i saw, felt and understood the aforementined something as it always was, or what i always knew it was but was tempted to refuse to see, feel and understand.

yet, for the first time it felt realistic.

it was a palpable, everyday situation.

it might mean i am getting closer to a solution, if any, or to that i am simply closing any future pathways to any chances.

the dream might mean that i have no illusions anymore.

i am still in awe of the depth of the dream.
do share any of your thoughts this post has awaken.

the song may or may not represent the feelings of one, or more of the parties involved. basically, i am not crying over anyone, including myself - but a little crying every now and then is relaxing, a must if you like, and listening to kd lang duetting with roy orbison does always good.

former pm in jail

blah, he was only there for a couple of hours.

read THIS and come back for the truth :)

Gy.F. was unfortunately released shortly after being arrested. his calling his detention an 'absurdity' is a clear reference to 'absurdistan', a name liberal and cynical people often call our country. i think our former prime minister should have been arrested much earlier.

like back in 2006.

what happened in october 2006?

according to the article, people were rioting.

according to the liar (aka Gy.F.), the police was ordered to not harm the protestants.

(i already sense some incongruency here...)

and the fact is something else. as per usual when you are dealing with news from hungary... :(

today, there was about a 40-something crowd playing the democracy card in front of the building of the national parliament. the police made them go away by courting them away.

some of them were taken to jail for a couple of hours.

and that is all.

back in 2006, hundreds of onlookers and peaceful protestors, including the elderly, were abused by the police. water bombs, gas sprays, whatever. there were some serious injuries, like the loss of eyesight. i think i did posted about it. i am still quite outraged about it.

today these young what-not-else-the-world-is-ours liberal politicians, chain themselves to each other and the police guides them away.

and voila, our former pm appears, joins the party to place just another hit on his opposite, Orbán.

the job i didn't get

was selling organic produce in a neat organic shop. the shop is located right in the middle of the city, within no kidding! - one minute walk from the high school my kids attend.

the lady who works there is an old friend of mine, and they had a grant to support the paycheck.

the reason i was rejected: the grant was set for someone above 50 years of age.

i wanted this job so very much.

duh.

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some people live in a fog - while i translate it :) UPDATED

okay, the title does need some explanation.

-

phase 1:

i translate Fog, a short poem by Ca_rl San_dburg.

during translation i do some google research as to the meaning of expressions and to the type of poem.

phase 2:

i submit the translation to an online literature site. i am a regular member and from time to time my writings are published there. it takes one or two editors to let a writing published. sometime the editors suggest some modifications.

phase 3:

the editor completely rejects said Sand_burg translation, quote: 'Although I am not classified to deal with translated poetry, it is all clear that your version is not even coming close to a word-to-word translation'.

phase 4:

*facepalm*

phase 5:

i wonder about the diversity of mind and people, about understanding poetry and translating poetry...about stupid editors....about the need to leave this site...about the urge to laugh... the urge to sob...

-

and a brand new update!!!

phase 6:

my account is deactivated on that site.

it means that i can not contribute to its contents either by writing and submitting poems or translations or by writing comments on other people's writings. there you go.

am i to return to this site?

i mean, ever?

like accepting or asking for being reactivated again?

like... asking anything from these incompetent bunch of editors?

yesterday i watched 'After Life' for the second time.

i like it's notion about the human spirit wandering around, in an in-between phase between the time of death and the spirit's actual departure, but the films also refers to the meaning of life and of the importance of loving and daring to love.

for some of the unfortunate ones out there, loving (giving love) is a matter of risking their own self, their safety, their comfort.

i feel for them, for this must be a difficult path.

i don't know if these people want to get off of their olde ways...

i know these people suffer from not being able to love affectionately, even if they pretend the opposite....

deep inside these people are either careless dumbasses, or fragile thinkers who make their days worse on a daily basis... or deep inside they are both - switch back and forth as per day, per hours, per the level of certain hormones, per ... whatever....

the fear of loosing control and safety...

-

why? all the sudden, this post that resembles the ones i wrote 4-5 years ago?

no answer for that - other than today i met my lost lover in my dream and he paid no attention to me at all...

but grievance is passing me and finally it will diminish to an acceptable, almost intraceable level...

and the left side of my brain nods encouragingly...

it smiles, too: this is how things should be.

-

these times i revaluate the things around me: blogging, everyday chores, even love and family.

-

sometimes time is like a giant wheel... it takes you back to places you thought you left well behind...like you know... as in: 'shit happens'

and finally

a short post to remember that on february 7 i had my second (and hopefully, last) titanium root implanted.

this time my husband escorted me to the dentist, as it is in another town. we took two trains to get there. his presence was comforting.

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after the operation i had felt awful until the painkillers kicked in at about 3 pm, and i am currently having one in every 6 hours. my face is swollen. not my kind of living... but it will pass :)

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and here's a link about dental implants for the brave.

just a warning for those who wish to click on the link above: it does not contain any *ahem* picture or any material that is in any way would be considered as nsfw, but believe me it isn't all fluffy rabbits chasing each other for another slice of carrot on a sun-kissed soft green grass.

body image

'body image' is the notion you have in your mind about what your body looks like.

some people think they are just fine and neglect work-out and eat more than they should. some of these people get fat. some other people on the other hand think that they are extremely overweight and stop eating properly. some of these people might get anorexic. now i think you get the picture :)

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as most of my readers know i lost four of my front teeth. the second titanium base will be fixed in on 7 february, and the surgery is completed in early may. i can't wait to see that.
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now everyday, everything i do from eating to speaking and even to breathing reminds me to the lack of those four teeth. i know it must be even boring to read about it all the time, but it is so very annoying that i just can not *not* notice it.
-
now, get back a a bit in time.
once upon a time, like 5 years ago, i had a hole in one of my upper front teeth. it was quite visible and an annoying phenomenon. i went to a dentist. she filled it up twice but the filling had kept falling out.

but when the filling was gone the third time, i chose another dentist.
that man made a good job and the filling stayed.
it also matched the color of my tooth much much better.

-
yesterday i recalled this filling.
yes, people sometimes do think about the fillings within their tooth.
do you?
well, i certainly do.
yesterday i said myself: what a great job that dentist had done. he filled the gap like three years ago and it is still doing fine.
-
the fun part comes now.
-
i went up to the bathroom mirror to have a short check on that glorious little filling that is so well done it is not even visible.
i went right up to the mirror to see it once again.
i opened up my mouth to check that particular front tooth with the nice invisible filling in it.
i looked at my teeth.
wtf?
i had no front teeth.
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do you get it?
my body image in my head still includes those four teeth i had lost in october.
-
strange...

any opinions?

or experiences with body images?

please share in the comments.

much appreciated.

under the snow

dear all,

i did finish NaNo, i do have that manuscript that is still being revised.

revision will surely take weeks or event months.

i have sent chapter 2 for a friend to revise and right now i am revising chapter 3.

some say we have to get to a certain distance from the text, some argue the writer should be still 'in the flow'.

i am now kind of inbetween.

-
our choir has performed a modern oratorium last week.
when we started to learn the notes in May we had doubts about the overall quality of the piece, but things started to look for the better once we started to do rehearsals with the instruments. we don't usually perform with violinists, cellists, trumpets and the like, but it did help us to appreciate the piece more.
we had a full house on both evenings, and the audience seemed to have liked it.
-

we are still preparing our kids to their high-school admittance exams. aged 14 on 30th december, my son is in the 8th grade, so he is to go into a 4-year school, while my daughter, aged 11 next march will enter an 8-year high school - provided they succeed at the tests.

the ratio of admittance is 1/4-1/5, which means that only every fourth or fifth kid applying can enter the school.

there are written and oral exams in January from Maths, Hungarian and English (for my son).

it's not only the points they gather at exams that count, but the marks they got at school.

i am worried because of the lack of effort from my kids' part. my husband keeps telling me the i worry too much, my kids sense my worries and think that since 'there is someone to worry' about high school, 'i (the kid) don't have to worry about it at all'.

-

but it's the turn of the light, the length of the day will slowly increase, as Wass Albert has put it in 'The Funtinel witch', just by a matter of good will each day'

-

it's time to make those gingerbread men :) I hope to post photos one day, but now one cable is missing, the one that connects the camera with the computer.

-

whew

i won, i did finish on time, i exceeded 50,000 words.

cheers, wine and whatnot.

-

yet, why do i have this little feeling creeping at the back of my mind that revision will take longer time and will be more difficult than the writing itself?

-

while writing, i soothed my nerves with sayings like: 'just go ahead', and 'it's good to have a good basis so you have at least something to revise', but now, after a week's rest i think i have to return and revise.

-

off goes 4

if you think the title of this post has no meaning then go ask me what the meaning of falling off balance to loose 4 teeth at once was.

for they once were.

in my upper jaw.

off they jumped.

or rather, broke.

and i am broken now.

for most of the part, financially.

or will be when the dentist bills me for the implants.

my smile: past tense

i can not eat properly.

i can not speak properly. i miss/mispronounce 'z', 's', 'f' - to name a few.

but for most of all, i can not attend the choir.

well, friendship is one thing, but no one really wants to see a freak opening a mouth that has a huge hiatus in it, does anyone?

so, that is the news.

-

in other words, i'm looking for new jobs like crazy.

those dental replacements will cost a fortune, insurance will pay only a tiny amount of the bill.

but the math goes like this: i am 40 and i am expected to live for at least another 40.

and on the other side of the equilibrum i see a long line of simple dishes, and renovations that go even slower in the foreseeable future.

we needed a new set of tiles in the bathroom for example.

allright, the dentist will fix it into my upper jaw.

we needed a garden path (now we have only dirt road from the gate to the front door).

allright, the dentist will fix it into my upper jaw.

i think you get the idea ;)

-

the photos will be up some time later on.

-

cheers,

watching the water

she paints her nails, can you get used to it?
she is now your wife, can i get used to it?


the first 40 years of my life are leaving me.


a boat, loaded full is leaving the bay. some waves return, run up the shore, up to the rocks, the waves carve into the rocks and return back again to the water.

the waves are getting smaller.

the boat is getting smaller, its figure is getting harder and harder to notice in the distance.


you are on that boat.
i am on the shore.


the second 40 years of my life has just begun. and i think it's just time we talked.

bad and good

about the contest.

-

the contest is over.

i have read so many great pieces. the pre-selection made judgement easier for the judges and the readers as well.

i retreated and was reluctant to read further on once i was cast out - and i know that's bordering nasty. for some of the time i don't do well in team-building.

i tend to go alone, like a lone hunter...

-

but i digress.

i loved to read so many uplifting and thought-provoking pieces. i loved that there were some poetry and some of the non-poetry pieces were quite poetic as well.

i loved sometimes the warm tone, the irony and the character building in the stories i voted for.

i loved to see myths created.

there was one among the many that stood out for me.

it literally made me sick. it was ranked high.

but i'm not going to continue on this matter.

-

you know... when you do something great, and you do it poorly, you are still making good. you are adding to all the good in the world.

and when you do something bad and you do it well, you are doing bad.

-

but hey, i'm just an old fashioned, tradition-loving conservative who loves to believe that despite all the wrong that's been done and is being done right now as you read these lines (if you do, if anyone does, that is ;) there's love and justice after all in this world.

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about my entry in particular.

i am sorry not to have entered into the elite-club ;) but jason was right about his decision - no problems with that.

rhyming is not easy, not easy in one's mother tounge, let alone in a second language.

i tend to think the backstory of my entry was weak and i have not worked enough on it. i wanted to write a parabole (hm?) but it needs more working done.

that's all :)

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summer news

dear all,

we are working on the house again, renovating.

building is done but now we have smaller tasks to complete such as cleaning up one room, plastering its walls and making a wooden floor.

sure we'll do it all by ourselves.

even if it means that a work that lasts an hour for a specialist is done for a couple of days. because we do it more carefully and yes, with less expertise. so... like trial and error, you know.

-
in the meantime, Jason at the clarity of night's having a contest. have a peek and read the entries. i will have my own entry, provided it makes into the final 40s.

to which my chances are low.

well.

that's what i've got :)

-
cheers,
szf

education

this post is about the education of my kids, a short review of the Hungarian educational system, and finally, some thoughts on (not) writing :)

-

I have started to monitor my kids' school activities, homeworks more closely. within a year, they both will have to apply to another school. it involves exams. I think we should better start this early.

my son's got the brains, but he refuses to use them.

a year from now, he'll have to pass written tests from Hungarian and Math and he'll have an oral English exam, too. the system will check his marks from Hungarian, Math, English, History at the end of the 14th semester (end of 7th grade) and at the 15th semester (halfway at the 8th grade). we are gathering points. the race is tough to get into highschool.

it seems that he has not learned how to learn.

we were too busy accommodating him to all those various schools he attended.

we were busy surviving in various conditions.

i don't know if it's too late or not, but i'll do my best to help him.

-

my daughter likes to play the dumb, which is she not. she's very slow, but can sparkle. she's fine in all subjects. she's in the 3rd grade now, which means that next January she's going to write exams from Hungarian and Math to get into a secondary school/highschool.

-

for those, who are unfamiliar with the education system in Hungary, here's a short review:

all kids must go to a preschool at the year preceding their first year of school education.

kids start school at the age between 6-7. some kids start at 6 sharp, some as late as 7.5. parents have the right to decide on the right time. parents are supported by the preschool nurses, and by various consellors in making the right decision about the *when*.

once a kid gets into elementary school, he can stay there for 8 years. that's the maximum amount of elementary education.

secondary education may start after grades 4, 6 and 8.

as you have guessed, secondary education lasts either for 8, 6 or 4 years, resp.

secondary education finishes around the age of 18 and the not-so-kids with the high school diploma (GCE) can head to obtain BSc, MSc, or some other, technical qualifications in universities, or in specialized schools.

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on the writing front:

i am quite unsatisfied with the writers' group I joined a year or so ago. here's my rant.

at the moment I have some ideas in my head, but it's all in a haze. as if I haven't decided which should go first.

but for most of the time, my mind is occupied by fragments like 'the novel, belonging to the epic genre, where...' (excerpt from my son's Hungarian book); or 'the revolution failed in 1849 and all generals were executed on ....' (quote from his History book); and pieces of arguments like 'you have to learn more so that you have more options to choose from'; and 'there's not enough time now for watching a movie, because I have't seen your math yet'; and 'please let us review this passage again'; and 'I know you are not interested, but...'; or 'I want you to reach your highest potential' and so on....

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but apart from that, be assured I read your blogs, which are definitely more interesting than mine these times.... and i trust one day the muse hits again... she just doesn't find the way into my dense mind :))))

I do try to find some time to read, though. i hope it helps.