the last day in my job

My dear all out there, I am writing this from another computer. I was unsure whether this post would get into the blog I started in August 2005 and which I became addicted to during the past months. I usually kept diaries. I started writing one around the age of 10-11 and had entriey like: "we had a walk in the city. we cooked this and that for dinner." Quite insignificant.

I developed a habit of writing about things that buggered me the most. Interesting trips, love affairs, school problems and such. Looking back now, the term love affair does not seem appropriate. Matters of the heart is better.

There was a short period when I wrote my diary in English. I tried to express my feelings in another language for the pure fun of excercising the language. More often than not, I failed doing so. I am unsure whether this present diary, where most of my entries are in English, are able to express my inner self at all. I think language reflects our thoughts, our soul and vice versa: if my soul is not an English one I can not express it in English. The language sets barriers to the non-native speakers. I might excel in grammar roles and in vocabulary, and I might even began thinking English thoughts, but - see the barrier right here?

The way I think, the way I see the world in my head is something the English language can not picture as correctly as my own language. It is fun to write in English and I am more than grateful for finding true friends with the help of the English language, but for very serious and intense matters of my life I have to refer to my own language.

If any of you out there, natives and non-natives to English feel like commenting on this please do not hesitate to discuss this topic. Or any other topic :)

So, back to writing about my last official working day in this job.

It was today and I have mixed emotions. Part of me feels like something's missing. Feels void and useless. Sans utter meaning. When we unconnected all computer-related equipment in the office (a room in our house as I work from home) and one by one took it to a car I felt the room so empty. I was looking around and felt I will be moving, too.

I had to get there today and work from there today. I went into a strange house (and by strange I mean someone else's house) and there were the monitor, the mouse and so on - all these things were so MY life in the past 3 years.

I spent 3 long years in a job, where I had various tasks, depending on the amount of money our company had. I found myself to be a workaholic. Yes, I am quite a Capricorn in most areas. I kept record of almost everything related to my company and my tasks in my head. More often than not got I up with thinking about the tasks of that day. And I liked it.

And yet, as I wrote somewhere earlier, it was a very good experience but ... I learned a lot but... I think I learned almost anything in this position that could be of any use in my post-job life and so it is of no use for me anymore. It was good but I have to let it go.

To be honest, my boss (who is fairly new to the company) thought and said he did not need me anymore, because of financial reasons. My job is overtaken by members of his family. He expressed his intention to get me back as things would get smoother. I don't vision my dismissal as a bad sign or as a misfortune.

Let it be gone I say. I think I had to let it go.

At present I enjoy my 'freedom', do gardening and cooking and reading and stuff. And more importantly I rely on my friends, including you to talk things over. Thanks for being here and there :)

I feel lucky to have found this laundry collection. It spices me up somehow. It's like a game.

Otherwise, I am heading a heavy-duty week, my friends. I have to pass my job over to the one who will follow me in the office, but as named office is in MY house, I have to relocate the computer, the email, the ftp, and all other technical thingy, which I like to use, but have a bit of less talent to operate. So, I have to gather my brain cells.

PLUS. I have found a very short temporary OTHER JOB (a translation). It is short and is from E to H, but is due on 3th July.

So I might not see my beloved blog for a short time. I'll be missing you. For a week at the very most.

laundry - two items for a collection

There is a collection of laundry pictures. the whole idea somehow grabbed my attention. Being so simple and un-investigated. For more details, go over to Vickie, to London.

today

Pic 1.: The raw material in crates. Pic 2: The heat and the whistle

we had no getaway. I do not really mind. Instead we are in the middle of making a nice strawberry jam, dh is continuing building a small workhouse in the garden for doing his arts and crafts and gadgets there and also there will be a little house where we can keep hens and a rooster. Oh, for the love of eggs and a good cock-a-doodle-doo at daybreak!

According to the weather forecast and to our average wisdom, June 21st was suspected to be a scorching hot day, we were reluctant to go. We did not know how to get there by public transport as we have no car. We did not want to wait useless hours in unfriendly places with two impatient kids. So we decided to have the day off anyway and spent in at home doing the aforementioned actions.

I will update with photos soon.

UPDATE Pic. 3-4. Various stages of boiling Pic 5: The end.

a getaway

only for one single day, June 21st, Wednesday. We, family and me, are heading to the Mátra hills to do this with some other people:

If I'm not updating on Thursday, do not be afraid :))

Also, I will have to give back my computer to my boss next week, so I'll have to figure out as how to keep on doing the blogging experience. For financial reasons, my work is no longer needed, see also post of Május 5 (-it's worth checking so that you know what I am talking about).

The job I am about to finish... The whole set of new horizons that opens because of my not having a job anymore... Really, I do think I should make use of it. Get to learn something new, get to know my kids better, spend much more time reading and gardening. Much less time surfing the internet. I plan to stick with blogging, though. Like anyone cares, huh? Ok, sorry, maybe. God bless you all out there.

Dear all out there, I was away for a time. We attended a belly-dance evening on 17th June (no pictures) and were introduced to a magical garden of a Hungarian sculptor, Tóth József. He works with wood and he gets his inspiration from our culture and history. His works are scattered in the country. He's somewhat famous. His garden is .... *sighs* .... Just wow. A real arboretum. A collection of all weird trees and bushes from many places of the world. Some pictures included.

In one of the pictures there are members of the Cactaceae family, all neatly planted in rows. In our climate, these can live outdoors from like mid-May to mid-September. Just imagine the amount of work needed to achieve this funny vegetable yard full of hedgehogs (plant out - plant back to house)

Past: memories and events. Sad, maddening, bloody as hell, inspiring, awesome and peaceful as well. Feelings like 'never-felt-God-so-close-to-me' and 'never-felt-myself-so-far-away-from-God' as well. I tend to keep on chewing on past. At the same time, surprisingly, I forget easily. I just can not spare hatred for a 'good revenge'. No revenge is good or justified.

Why am I saying this? A far-away onlooker, a potential friend of mine sad I have to stop digging into my past. He's probably right about that but it's not what my problem is. At least, I have never thought as analyzing the problems of the past would create a problem. I do think that everything has an influence on other things. Things, events, souls are inter-related. No coincidence. So I prefer analyzing to bury problems. There might be a fear inside me of not being able to analyze: remember the tale of the small gnome who gets defeated by getting his name known? that's what I think about problems.

Not very long ago, I talked about a past event (the way my grandfather died) with another friend. She was able to throw a light on things that seemed unexplainable and unacceptable. Guess what - this conversation confirmed me in not believing in coincidence.

And if there is no coincidence, than there is reason.

And if there's reason behind things than it's there to know and name. As the gnome.

At the same time I consider myself a flexible person. If there is reason but I am not high enough to perceive it, than so shall it be. 'Things, events without reason.' Yes I can accept that, too.

not as bad as hell

I might be trying too hard.

Fegyverek / Weapons

nem jó, ha sokáig nem írok, mert mióta nem írtam, sok minden változott... Sok minden, és alapjában véve semmisem... tényleg? Miután hosszan ostoroztam magam érte, hogy miért is nem engedem magam élni, élvezni az élet normális örömeit, elkezdtem lazábbb lenni. Nem annyira az elméleteket gyártani, mint örülni annak, ami van. Ha kenyeret sütöttem, élveztem a kenyér dagasztását, a tészta alakulását, azt, hogy végül lemosom a kezem és beteszem a kenyeret sülni, majd kiveszem az illatos kenyeret, amit én készítettem. Ha gyermekem lelkesedéssel nézett meg egy teljesen hétköznapi legyet, akkor én magam is azt gondoltam: milyen szép és el is vesztem annak csodálatában. Mert úgy voltam vele, ha nem nézem meg, ha nem csodálkozom rá az ilyen dolgokra, akár el is áshatom magam. Minek az élet, ha nem látjuk meg az örömeit?Kezdem felismerni, hogy ha kell, erővel is szorítanom kell magam a békés élvezetekre, mert különben bezárkózhatom a toronyba és hullathatom a könnyeimet. Mindezzel egyidőben persze teljesen nyilvánvaló számomra, hogy a lepkét, legyet, igenis meg kell csodálni, hogy a kenyérsütés igenis örömszerző tevékenység, a napfény, amint megcsillan a harmaton, az is igenis örömforrás - ezek nekem magától értetődő dolgok, mégis... mint egy régebbi bejegyzésben írtam is, megvonom ezeket magamtól. Nem tudom élvezni az életet... csak néha, ha magamra erőltetem azt, hogy letiltsam magamban az élet élvezetének tiltását. Jaj. Mintha én sem érteném egészen.... De az említett tükör-jelenség: nincs öröm. Csak fájdalom van, azzal meg mégiscsak nehezebb azonosulni :)

Az elmúlt napokban tehát igazán éltem az életet: kevesebbet számítógépeztem is :)), a kert, a természet örömeit tapasztaltam. A valódi megtapasztalások felpezsdítettek.

Hogy miért a múlt idő? Mert most este megint előjött, egy kellemetlen emlék kapcsán a szomorúság. Igen, már megint itt kopogtat. Visszaérkeztem tehát mondanivalóm a bejegyzés elején megfogalmazott részéhez: a sinus görbéhez: ahogyan az érzések hullámzanak, amikor a legtetején vagyunk, már érezni a mélységet, érezni, hogy lefelé menet következeik, még a csúcson vagy, annak minden örömével és lelkesedésével és rálátsz a mélységre, ahonnan elindultál és ahova tudod, hogy ismét le kell jutnod.

English:

Sorry guys. I have been lazy these days and I have been gaining experiences regarding the simple pleasures of life, such as baking a bread and working in the garden and getting lost in the beauty of a simple house-fly. I know that these are real beauties and simple joys of life can enlighten one's moments and days - yet: as I wrote somewhere earlier I have a strong barrier within me, a wall that does not let me to have these simple pleasures. As if I would restrain myself from having some good feeling about myself, about my life, about life in general. I pondered about this built-in barrier earlier and have thought about it these days and I, successfully managed to lift this barrier for a couple of days.

It was an awesome experience.

Now, as the evening came, I realized that being on top means not only that you're feeling great and that you can look 'down' into past experinces, and by down I mean experiences of apathy, depression and unimportance, death, even; being on top also means that you know that there will be a down-ride again, you will inevitably return to the bottom of your well and there will be moments and days again when you will be sitting at the very bottom of your soul and will be hearing raindrops beside you, raindrops hitting the rooftops of the world and will be wondering as whether there are such things as Sun and butterflies. I might be sick.

Inkább itt lennék / I'd rather be here

- a sokezer éhes szúnyog ellenére is, igen, itt. / - despite the hundred thousands of hungry mosquitos, yeah.

Date: 28 May 2006. Location: Szt György hegy, near Lake Balaton, Hungary, Carpathian basin, Europe, World.

Nagy élmény volt a Szt György hegy. Ez a kép lefelé menet készült, a legmagasabb pont és a bazaltorgonák között valahol félúton, visszanézve a magasba. Olyan, mint valami elvarázsolt erdő.

The Saint George's Hill was a great experience for all of us I'm sure. This photo was taken somewhere between the highest point and the basalt poles. I looked back to take a picture of this enchanted forest. One would surely expect a hobbit walking out of the green all of a sudden.

Szt.György hegy

Date: 2006 May 28 Location: Szt György hegy, on the northern side of Lake Balaton. These are holdover basalt poles, residues of a former volcano. Hills around here are all former volcanos, in various stages of erosion. Water, wind and elements erode lava rock and this results in these nice formations.

Pictures and more pictures

1. Kép. Szigliget, vár, háttérben a Balaton. Picture 1. Szigliget, ruined castle, with Lake Balaton in the background.
2. kép. uo. Háttérben a Szt. György hegy. Picture 2. Same ruin. Szent György hill in the back.

3. kép. kedves barátunk a háztól keletre. Our nice friend, standing east of the house.