Anger management UPDATED

Last night I had a dream in which I had the chance to verbalize things. In real life, there is this person, who used to be an important part of my life. In fact he never stopped being a person of high importance for me...

And I guess I am (was) as important to him, too.

He did hurt me at times, and he did it so nonchalantly that I have the good faith that he did not even notice how much pain his words had caused me.

I never told him about these scars he caused.

I kept on smiling.

And loving.

Oh, the fool one.

Now, in the dream, he hurt me again.

And now I objected.

The first time ever I stood up for myself and somewhat kindly tried to make him understand that he was actually hurting me now and back in times as well.

In the dream we did not get to the part when he had the chance to react to my words. I woke up. And I woke up with the intention of organizing a meeting.

We have unfinished business, and now I am ready to finish it.

And here comes the update part: 
When in first draft, this post was much longer. It contained bits of information that are irrelevant. The message is that I am ready to smooth bumps of the past out. Yay for me.
And although I did say 'unfinished business' and did intentionally chose a photo# from this particular movie, there is no violence within me :)
Be well, cheers,
Your tree. 

#do you still see the photo?
It is a photo of the ending scene from Kill Bill, just after Beatrix killed his former mentor. The man is still alive, but is standing and is about to say goodbye.

9 years, 9 lives?

This August this blog had its 9th anniversary and I have not celebrated it.

This is the 9th way of blogging: you have a blog and you think about it dearly, like a child, a love that was yours once, but it is a bit far away from your real life actitivites now. Lost, yet close still.

There is still at least one reader, and I would like to thank for her perseverance :)

Thank you all who bore with me these times.

I will not quit blogging, this is not a good bye.

there

(the concept is that you the reader should put 'there' in front of each paragraph)

- doesn't seem to be any reader to this blog, but I will continue posting anyway. Some of my old readers might drop in at any time and I don't want to bore them with the same old posts... And also, I will post whenever I have anything to say :)

- in the capital of the Czech Republic I found that particular church that helped me a lot back in 1987. This photo was taken at the Old Town's Astronomic clock, it is quite a feature of the city.

- I was again, sitting on a bench, contemplating the inside of the building, the rich pictures and baroque statues and all, and I was asking myself how was that transformation at all possible. How it started, what was the trigger, was I already in a transition, how did God or anything holy reached out to me back then.

- back in 1987 I felt that I was personally spoken to.

- I sat when a bunch of tourists flooded the church with cameras, they tried to be quiet, but when 20+ people tries to speak at the same time silence just doesn't happen, and they were soon treading practically everywhere just like a swarm of wasps.

- went the inspiration, the spiritual awareness into thin air - or so I thought, but I was mistaken again.

- I heard 'it's not in the building and you know it. it's within you, right there, within you. now be gone and be happy' and out I burst, not even noticing any of the bunch of the noisy invaders anymore.

- I practically walked with my feet a couple of inches off the ground for some considerable time.

- is something in that church, isn't it a bit of a paradoxon?

Prague

here I come!

Our choir is attending an international musical festival between 17 and 20 July.

Prague, capital of the Chech Republic is about 8-10 hours' drive from the town I live.

It will be the second time I visit this city and the memories of my last (and first-ever) visit are now coming back to me.

I was 17, bordering 18, the same age my son is now, when I spent 3-4 days, 4-5 nights there with my girlfriend, now a mother of 4, living in NY state, USA. She was my best girlfriend of the highschool years, one of the few.

We set on a plane, and it was first-ever plane flight at 17, bordering 18, you know, Hungary is small, the only other occassion I had been up off the ground was a helicopter ride above my hometown I enjoyed when I was about 15.

So there we were, young ladies with a supportive family background to explore a bit of the world, to explore it on our own way.

Memories....

I started the journey as a die-hard atheist and I guess you guess the ending to that part of the story.

Ahem.

Before the journey I was contemplating ways of quickly removing myself from the depressive state of being alive. I did not jump nor did I swallow any poison or anything like that, but.... I went to Prague instead :) And although I was still wondering of ways of killing myself in any (actually: in almost all) of those poetic locations, I surely did not.

That would have been quite a stress on my dearest girlfriend, now I come to think about it.

What a heck of a selfish person I was back then....

-

Now, after a bumpy ride of 5 university years and 20 years of marriage (not less bumpy), and many other events later, Prague, here I come again.

Aspen

European aspen (Populus tremula) is blooming these days, actually for weeks here in Hungary. The male flower has a cotton-like flying soft structure that triggers an allergic reaction. I am surprised because this is the first time my reaction is so obvious.

I know I am allergic to ragweed (Ambrosia artemisiifolia), and I have been living with it in the past 15-20 years. Luckily for me, my symptoms have been reduced to a bearable level by eating bits of the fresh plant before and during the season.

This aspen allergy is kind of new - although when I come to think of it, ithas been getting worse over the past couple of years.

Now it reached a level where my eyes are swollen and when outdoors, I keep sneezing and my nose keeps running.

So, here's the story - I visited a therapist who is both specialist in mental therapy and applied kinesiology.

She pointed out that the Latin (and the Hungarian) name of the plant refers to a specific behaviour of aspen: that is, trembling, fluttering, wiggling, vibrating upon the slightest wind. Aspen represents my state - the way I react to my environment. I have a tendency to overreact, and a tendency to react to anything I reckon whether it is my duty or not. I want to have control over things I know I have not and the non-controlling, the continous failure to control and the continous income flow of impulses makes me nervous and exhausted.

This is the reason behind my allergy.

We elaborated on this topic a bit.

I have to learn to let things remain uncontrolled, especially if said events are none of my business, or of lesser importance. I have to focus and stay calm. Or so are the first steps of the healing process.

 

State of mind and recollection

Dear reader,

if any, after all these weeks and months without any activity in blogland.

I have not written much, or much interesting in the last couple of months (years?) and have neglected by blogging fellows, too.

This is not to apologize - this is to recollect all the things that happened along the time in a nutshell: we are ok, nothing seriously good or bad happened.

-

I keep writing articles to three monthly magazines. Two of them requires an article each month and the third is always subject to the topic, which means that I write 12+12+about 8-10 articles a year.

I keep gardening and raising chicken for our family's need. This year I invented a small amount in buying 15 individuals of 7-day old Australorp chicken to introduce a double-purpose line to our collection.

I wrote two short stories, but more on that on my other blog. Please find yourself kindly invited to read over there about my successes and failures on the writing front.

The kids kind of hate their highschool and their attitude is kind of an issue within the family these days. Fortunately they don't to any drugs/alcohol and we don't have any of those really heavy problems, but we are a bit worried.

My husband and I are well together. Things that caused trouble in the past couple of years have either disappeared or been discussed and sorted out on mutual agreement. There is love and that is what matters.

 -

At this point I can't tell whether I will keep on blogging or not.

I wish to be more withdrawn, I have not used my email in the last couple of weeks, but I am still on face_book. Being there sometimes is amusing and inspiring, I do have partners to chat with, but most of the time it is frustrating and annoying.

I miss blogging when it meant that I analyzed events and emotions around me. Blogging did help me at times -

Reading objectives for January

I am planning to finish Irving Stone's The Agony and the Ecstasy this month. It is a shame, but I have been reading for months - I am so not telling for how many months.

I like the book and Michelangelo's character a lot, and I guess it's only the language and the intensity of the writing that makes it difficult to read.

Kudos to Mr. Stone for his is a wonderfully woven, thick material :)

I also plan to finish a small Agatha Christie piece called No. 16. I got that for Christmas.

That book really disappointed me.

If books were scored from one to ten, with ten points given to the best ones (such as the seemingly flawless impresson about the Italian renessaince), the crime novel would receive only 2 (or 3 in a better mood - and only because I am a fan of Ms. Christie.

It is so shallow and meaningless that I wonder what made Dame Agatha write such a bad book at all. The usual suspence and wit which I admire in her Miss Marple stories is also lacking here.