Anger management UPDATED

Last night I had a dream in which I had the chance to verbalize things. In real life, there is this person, who used to be an important part of my life. In fact he never stopped being a person of high importance for me...

And I guess I am (was) as important to him, too.

He did hurt me at times, and he did it so nonchalantly that I have the good faith that he did not even notice how much pain his words had caused me.

I never told him about these scars he caused.

I kept on smiling.

And loving.

Oh, the fool one.

Now, in the dream, he hurt me again.

And now I objected.

The first time ever I stood up for myself and somewhat kindly tried to make him understand that he was actually hurting me now and back in times as well.

In the dream we did not get to the part when he had the chance to react to my words. I woke up. And I woke up with the intention of organizing a meeting.

We have unfinished business, and now I am ready to finish it.

And here comes the update part: 
When in first draft, this post was much longer. It contained bits of information that are irrelevant. The message is that I am ready to smooth bumps of the past out. Yay for me.
And although I did say 'unfinished business' and did intentionally chose a photo# from this particular movie, there is no violence within me :)
Be well, cheers,
Your tree. 

#do you still see the photo?
It is a photo of the ending scene from Kill Bill, just after Beatrix killed his former mentor. The man is still alive, but is standing and is about to say goodbye.

sweet dream turns sour

it's really been a long, long time since i last had a dream about Sz.

-

i had to go shopping and the only shop i found belonged to a large chain, but the shelves were nearly empty, and the quality of produce was low. i was wondering what use i could possibly make of the poor-quality items i was buying.*

-

i saw him near the entrance. i pretended i did not.

i became excited, but refrained from looking at his direction.

i saw his figure coming closer from the corner of my eye.

he definitely noticed me by now.

i turned to him, mimicking surprise.

-

he was allright and casually happy to see me. there wasn't any special excitement about his behaviour, he was just his usual self :)

we walked a bit in the city and decided to have a talk.

the world around us has kind of disappeared**.

-

i sensed there might be something wrong with his wife and potential kid. in my dream, i had this sixth sense, a visionary supplement of data about him and his family.

we took each other's hands and i looked into his eyes to watch the thoughts he displayed for me there.

i followed his thoughts 'on screen' right until the point i followed his life in real life, but then the display halted and he waited for my reply about the direction of the followings.

i hesitated and then another man came who i think wanted to sell me something. this interruption was the end of the dream, for we never re-freshed the display of thoughts and i never had the chance anymore to find out more about him.

-

i woke up surprised and utterly sad.

i think i have just lost a friend, or has finally come to the realization of losing him. revision: having lost him.

-

explanation of asterisks

*

these details may look nondescript, but it's just the surface. these details tell me a lot about how i see things, or how i see them in connection with Sz.

**

uhm, a surrounding world that disappears around lovers....ewww...very, very cheesy :))

-

the photo above is not my property. i can't switch my camera to this laptop, so it's courtesy of internet.

socializing event

in hungary you basically will never find those no-fence, lawn-frontyard, come-to-my-house setting that are so common in certain parts of the usa. we all have tend to have high, strong fences, where most of the fences are so formed that you just can't see through them.

-

for an unexperienced foreigner this expressed need for safety may seem an unfriendly, a get-outta-my-place attitude.

i know that there is alienation, but not where i live :)
where i live and in many other communities, where the original hungarian hospitality is still alive, this is just the surface.

-

i have already mentioned some of the activities (like plum jam, see the post below) we, the community that has formed in our street do together.

and now, i'm going to illustrate another event: a street party.

-

there is a street just one street up from ours, where people do parties every year. this year it was the 8th gathering. they set up a large tent for stage performances , they bring tables with snack food on them, they make a large pot of goulash enough for at least 40-50 people. they gather in the evening and enjoy the performances. the night ends with dancing. it is usually rock and roll, or disco-whatever.

now this year, our community was invited to take part.

we rehearsed and came up with a performance that lasted about 20 minutes. we sang three folksongs - the one we chose were funny.

after that we improvised a short folk-tale, where there were three princesses (played by three of the little girls, one of them, the biggest was my daughter), an old king (played by one of the fathers) and a dragon (*coughs*). the story was highlighted by musical performances: traditional flutes and a doromb. (i don't know if that one has an english name at all...)

we needed three boys to make all ends meet, so we borrowed them from the audience. they enjoyed their role-playing. we received lots of applause and laughter.

-

after our performance we stayed to watch others. there was a trio that played classical music on instruments, a play making fun of the story of Cindarella, and various singing activities.

-

we arrived as one group and left as one, too.

-

this is my husband and my daughter minutes before our performance has begun. you may want to click on the photo to see her hairdo better. this hairdo is quite common for folk dancers. dh is sporting a linen shirt with a straw hat. this combo is a traditional menswear in hungary.

this is us, our family, having some fun - my son is not dancing, for he was engaged in bicycling with his friends. no, i'm not having digestive problems :) - i think we were dancing the twist. my husband and my daughther were keen on dancing. i simply got tired :)
also pictured: the other two princesses, and the stage-tent in the background.

meme 2009

name three things around the world that surprised you the most in 2009.

1.

the friendship that is forming between neighbours in the street.

2.

the craze about flu (the way people are manipulated).

3.

how much sudden and unexpected help we were given throughout the year, just whenever we needed it the most. we were given a great kitchen table, a set of beds for example, for free. many friends just turned up and offered a helping hand in our house-renovations.
-
name three things you learned about yourself in 2009.

1.

I am just as human as some other people I knew.

this is a bit hard to explain. I was always sure that I ranked high in the moral compartment, and my opinion has not changed.

what did, then? I have never thought I would ever commit certain things or fall for certain things. uhm... as this diary is public, I can not really go into details.

I came out a new and happier woman after it was over. my relationship with men, women, and my very own self as a women has never been healthier and fuller. my relationship with DH has never been better as well. there is a much deeper layer of understanding between the two of us.

2.

I am able to feel unconditional love (uhm, I knew this, but the year 2009 has brought me to situations where I had to chance to feel it toward at least three people, and it's not about erotica at all)

3.

I lived up to my inspirations: upon following an inner voice, I joined a choir, wrote a couple of pieces, and enjoyed myself in general. I earned next to nothing, but the balance... ? so far so good.
-
name three persons that had a great influence on your life in 2009.

1.

my husband, who was there beside me when I needed him. with my experience, I am now able to understand him much better.

2.

z., a man half of my age.

he inspired me a lot.

it was his influence that took me to singing for example. by studying him and our relationship, I learned a lot about people and myself.

he inspired about six of my poems written in 2009, out of which only one was translated to English - my big thanks to Chris in helping me polishing the lines.

3.

arthur, an online nickname for someone I used to play back to back in an mmrpg. that thing is over now, I finished playing it for various reasons (another story indeed)

arthur supported and stood by me and taught me about unconditional, sometimes inexplainable love. he is now working very hard and is not available online and I miss him.

he inspired two of my poems written in 2009.

-

name three things that came unexpected in 2009.

1.

I started singing in a women's choir.

2.

I joined a writers' club in spring. I also attended a writers' contest in my other name. I won nothing, but the experience was great.

3.

uhm, a love.
-

name three wonderful and/or memorable events of 2009.

1.

I hosted a Dutch policeman - in return of him hosting me twice (in 2006 and in 2008); and also I hosted a young Hungarian girl from Transsylvania. she is the member of the guest choir. being a host made me feel able and caring. and it was great.

2.

our choir sang at the royal palace on 13 december.

3.

any event where my kids showed off their gentleness and love.
-

name three somehow unfortunate and/or memorable events of 2009.

1.

my son was rejected from the high school we tried to get him into. the reason (we do not attend church on Sundays) left me bitter and sceptic about church-based schools.

2.

house renovations do not proceed in the speed I expected.

3.

we hiked much less as we used to do, I'm out of practice.

-
name three things your family/spouse/kids achieved/made/succeeded in 2009. (if you have many of these, feel free to expand the list from three to, say... ten...?)

1.

the house renovations are going on quite nicely.

2.

DH has become an appreciated person in his other field of study (no, this is not the professional field. He got his PhD like 14 years ago.) It's about his enthusiasm towards saving our traditions and culture that gathers him acknowledgement.

3.

my son has become number one in mathematics among all the members of the seventh grade. he started the seventh grade in a completely different school and he seems to fit into the community.

4.

my daughter took up folk dancing and she likes it.
-

name three of your plans for 2010

1.

be there for the kids just when they need me.

2.

be more active in the renovations, push it go forward. the main aim is to be able to throw a house-warming party on our tenth anniversary of buying the house.

3.

follow the path. work on listening and following the voice. nurturing the voice by getting experiences. reading more. listening to others more. helping and getting involved more in general.

-
now it's your turn. and of the years.

Love and Hate - facts

As I get older, the number of things I hate decreases. I focus on understanding instead.
-
This is what I had in mind when I answered Jason's call on his Fun Friday.
-

I have just finished watching 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button'. I loved how many great insights it contained. I hated how selfish the main female character was. Yet, her behaviour at the time rang true. I loved the film.

-

I like being loved - although there are times when I deny my need to feel so.

-

Recently, I've met someone online. Blah, the usual story some of you might say.
No, not for me.

He's special, well at least, he is for me.

He is half my age.

Oh my, I did not know I was going to write a confession.

Do not read any further if this subject bothers you.

-

These are my thoughts. For any help to anyone who's in need. And yes, I have my husband who knows every detail and loves me all the same. He, my man is just the finest ever available. Okay, back to the other man.... ;)

-

He's just a silly boy who likes my virtual company. There are many things in life over which we disagree, yet I have learned so many things from him.

Like other fellow virtual friends, talking with him taught me that the lack of similar education and background does not exclude anyone from finding friendship with another. Being friendly and sensitive towards the needs and suffer of the other has nothing to do with being similar.

-

When I was a teenager, I was alone. I had like one or two friends and that was all.

I was always the one people for some reason or another rejected.

Now, I see that the main reason was ... me.

(off...David, or Steve - was it rather *I*? ... on again...)

-

These days I have been given the opportunity to seek, find friends, to loose them, to fight for a friendship, to work on a friendship...

I am so thankful for these people.

Even for those who hurt me.

I sometimes think my life was incomplete somehow. Now it's not.

I found friends, kept some, lost some...

The trivial things of one's life.

So trivial everyone experinces between the ages of 10-20 and so on...

Everyone but me.

-

Recently this fellow and I had a quarrel.

The fight lasted a bit more than a day, it resulted in some (thousands of) teardrops, two letters, one sent and one withheld; and for him, some terrible feeling of weariness.

Now, a few confessions and some more tears later, we are fine.

-

I am inclined to think that the main reason behind our fight was the lack of self-confidence.

-

The lack of self confidence on my part, resulted in clinging to my stance even when being stubborn risked this beautiful friendship. I thought that by sticking to my ideas I can keep myself for myself. And by doing so, I justify my existence. I feared that giving up any of my standing would have resulted in loosing my self-esteem. I was absurd and stubborn in holding fast to my opinion. It was out of control and, well, he was out of his mind.

His lack of self esteem however, resulted in refusing to accept a friendship. As far as I can tell he thought that he was not worth any kind attention and true friendship so...whenever he feels a true friendship is on the way towards him he does everything to ruin the relationship so that he can say himself: 'See, I'm not worth it. I am not good enough to have friends."

-

These are my findings of yesterday. I wrote them here today, perhaps...

I thought I would share my insights with you.

-
Just today, as I was collecting chamomile flowers, I was thinking about giving it all up and starting a farm somewhere.

I would just grow herbs and raise some chicken.

Picking chamomile is one of the fines thing one can ever possibly do.

The plant is upright, the leaves are soft. The plants are pale to bright green and their top is full of blossoms. The more you pick the more they grow. I dry them in the attic until they are ready to get boxed for the winter.

Picking those white flowers with their yellow center is one of the few things that gets you close to God.

-

I consider the idea of of buying some land where I would be growing herbs.

Bordering the age of 40, I finally see this as one possible good way of living.

Am I in my right mind?

Am I confused?

Don't be afraid: I certainly would not do anything silly.

I just don't want to wait for any better, when something's good enough.

Is it the panic that stems from the fear of getting old?

-

I just think I have to ponder about this a little while.

Thanks for bearing with me.

Any advice (grammar or life...) is welcomed.

Be careful with me, I'm fragile.

-

Cheers,
your faithful, indecisive, indefinite and crazy tree.

A friendly award

Vesper has given this 'Mwah' award, which is given to bloggers who (and here comes my own definition) are supportive friends. It goes out to kind, helpful people who, supposed they were not just virtually present, would receive a friendly hug and or 'mwah' every now and then. Sometimes simply for their being for what they are.

(As I am a person who never really gives kisses-on-the-cheeks to anyone, especially not to women (yes, I am that weird - am I?) I took the liberty to redefine the award.)

Once the award is given, it is to be spreaded.

So, my friendly hug goes out to a few places....

Anniina (who used to be a frequent visitor, but now is quite absent).

Beth (who masters at listening and supporting instead of being 'plain kind').

Chris (who, while moving to Dubai, living in boxes with only one underwear still finds the spirit to organize fun contests and all-).

Jason (who not only is supportive and friendly, period, but successfully aims at keeping a virtual community about writing).

---

And now my words to all those who have NOT been mentioned:

Consider yourself mentioned and hugged, too.

Spread the word, friends.

-

This is the good old Free Hugs video. Enjoy!

-

When there's constant gloom hung above us and the world is dripping sadness, help yourself some pure and unadulterated hug. Spread the love.

no I'm not writing about tomorrow

Topic 1. - February 14.

partly because it is not a tradition in the culture where I grew up and partly because today it is creeping into our world as well, just along with many other, sometimes uselesess crap.

I reckon the day of tomorrow as another opportunity installed by the media into our slow-paced, love-filled normalcy as a reason for spending money and substitute real feelings and affection with artificial and non-wanted objects. Fakeness disgusts me.

I'm completely aware that showing our caring and love is essential in a relationship. Surprising the loved one with idle items, sweets and other delicacies might be something s/he just needs every now and then. But it should not be restricted to one *special* day. Love and show love whenever you can. Some people spend vast amounts of hardly-earned cash on presents for Christmas for someone in the family they do not really like. They buy presents b/c it is the habit. I am against that - and I have also written something similar during Christmas time.

Topic 2. - The Matra Hills

We had a day's hike in the nearby Matra Hills. We joined the group of parents and kids of the local Waldorf school. Some of you might remember that my son has been there for 1 and a half years and we keep the connections alive. We usually go to their hiking tours and visit the special occasions they have in the school.

The photos are of 2006, as I have no digital camera at the moment. Enjoy!

Last year, the tour was on 6 March. We had lots of snow. On Saturday there were patches of snow on the Northern slopes, but nothing serious. This is Rozi, lying in the snow. She would have enjoyed it this year, too.
There are pines near the peak, otherwise it's mainly oak and fir. The Matra is of volcanic origin. There are many villages, which mainly function as health and recreation resorts.
This is the main radio (and tv) transmitter of our country. It s funny how the clouds run behind the station and make the pole leaning towards the onlooker. It is not leaning towards anything of course as it is standing still, but the look gives you this strange feeling.

This is the Southern slope of the hill. It was our destination this Saturday and while the parents enjoyed a well-deserved hot soup in the small restaurant near the peak, the kids played sliding on the ice-covered slope.

This is the official highest point called Kékes. This is also the highest peak of the present Hungary is located in the Matra Hills. It measures 1014 metres. The link on the word 'present' takes the interested kind reader to a Hungarian page about Trianon. I've made this link so as not to forget about this shameful event that tore our many-thousand land apart. Ok, back, from politics - the final picture shows the Northern slope of the Kékes.

Hope you liked it!

Topic 3. My son is back again. For a few days or for more. For home-schooling again? Who knows? We are headed for another kinesiology session I assume. Either way - probably less time for blogging. Take care!