on depression

I don't think I know much about depression, except the kind(s) I have. Also, I'm not an expert on psychological deviations, except those I have.
Last night we had a talk with my DH and managed to get through some of the dimensions of our relationship - as we've been experiencing a bumpy road since about the middle of 2006. It's not that we have not had talks over this period - at times it seems we've had more than enough...

Yet, there still were things and aspects of our lives between mid-2006 and today that needed further and deeper discussion.

Depression was one of them.

My husband appears to have never had depression. I, on the other hand, have experienced some phases of deep (and deeper) depressions.

During 2006 I had one strike of blue - was it due to the loosing of my job of 3 years, the repetitive problems with my son in various schools, the lack of real relaxation, general stress, the obscurity of my own future and also that of the renovations of our house, financial problems...See? I could create an endless list, if I wished.

Yet all the time I was well aware that there are millions of other people around the world who would give perhaps, one of their arms to experience such 'financial hardhsips' and 'conditions of living' as I did. For I had bread on my table and a roof above my head.

From time to time I felt that my misery is less important than of people who were less fortunate...this guilt just added one more point to the list of reasons for depression.

My husband had some interesting idea on his head in 2006 - which he thought would improve our life, and which he did with the best possible intentions, yet I was shocked and just could not feel happy about it. This created quite a turmoil in our little life between August 2006 and January 2007. The 'afterlife' meant months of gasping for air and confusion, and finally quiet acceptance and peace.

Psychologically speaking, the rest of 2007 was sort of uneventful, no major 'fun' ideas, no major strikes of depression either. Life returned to normal again.

And dang comes January 2008 when it seems that what others percieve as normal is not so much wanted and accepted - and the blame this time is on me.

It's not that my husband does not have his own problems, because he does. From time to time we have talks between the two of us about his issues: his jobs and interests, his spiritual development, his worries about the future of mankind and the Hungarian nation, his kids and his wife.

It's also NOT that he only cares about himself. Being selfish is one of the top sins in his book you know. Basically, he would like to help any and everyone out in the world - it's not him I told you...it's me. It's me who shuts up and refrains from speaking, rejects the helping hand, and sees everything dark.

For when I'm depressed I tend to turn inside, to read and write poems, listen to depressive music - those are my substances *grins*

And while it's all right to listen to sad poetry and music, allow one's mind to wander into some darker regions - I love it, I really do...

But when one's really, really depressed a little walk and/or exercise in the open air, a friendly meeting with people who love you and accept you is more of a help to combat depression. But when you are really in *it* you just don't have the energy and will to combat anything at all. When you have to walk to get to somewhere you just find yourself walking off of the pavement, not really caring about cars for example. It really does not matter anymore. Nothing does, practically. My depression sometimes feels like as if I was having an OBE. Some religious beliefs strive for nirvana - a state which is achieved by not wanting anything. By shaking off all the pleasures of life. I think I know what these views refer to. I don't mind having depression attacks from time to time. When I'm in it, it feels bloody awful. But it spices up and definitely widens the scope of the experiences I have.

My husband accepted my strange views on the plus side of depression. Last night's talk was some sort of a breakthrough for us: it was about the first time I was able to verbalize my thoughts and feelings towards depression. DH liked the talk we had. Since he has not experienced similar feelings, he was able to get a glimpse into it, and into the most difficult part of it: that this topic is extremely hard to talk about. Especially when you're in it.

I'm still quite sure I have not explored every hook and corner of depression and every potential reasons and cures. But first of all, this post is already pushing the limits of the length of a post; and besides I have still a lot to find out and understand. I have to be more open about it, especially towards my own self.

If you have any opinions about the topic, do care to share with me. But no advice involving the use of drugs/medicines/doctors will be accepted :-P

Thank you for listening. All drawings were made by my daughter at the beginning of 2006. The last photo, depicting a Fly Agaric was made by me in The Netherlads, September 2006.

travelling inside - UPDATED entry

I am not being lazy, I was just occupied looking a bit inside.

In the period between 9 and 20 of February, I attended two kinesiology sessions (one for me, one for my son) and two meditations (one alone in a company of women and one in the same company, but taking my son with me as well.)

I do feel well.

And I sing a lot. I would switch to one of my favourite tunes and would sing along with the singer. One may laugh at me, but singing out loud does good to your soul. Provided that the neighbour does not hear you - so I watch myself so as not to outsing the original version :)

I think I will update sooner or later, but I'm off to do some cleaning in the house. - I'm done with that.

Kinesiology: I'm ever so glad I've started this. The therapist made me look into my past and see the reasons of some burdens I used to carry. For now I believe I have put them down. There are things at least that I can cope better with. Things that I can accept more. These alone were worth the money. It is clearly better for me and so for my family as well. My son? We'll see how he reacts and how he copes with the things he heard there. He takes the drops regularly and does the little mantras regularly, too.

Meditation: It was my 2nd and 3rd guided meditation. If that is what meditation is, then I've been doing it at some subconscious level since like ages :) Somewhere back in August 2006, I participated one guided meditation and now I had similar feelings, especially at the 3rd one, which one was on February 20, and where I took my 10-yo son as well. He did not want to take part, but I convinced him - 'how can you reject a good thing without even trying?' There were two parts and I told him he was allowed to leave in between - but surprise, surprise, he insisted to stay!

It was the kind of meditation when the whole group does the same thing. It is believed/supposed to make the meditation stronger. We both had strange and intense feelings.

Photos by me on January 27. Location: Pál-völgyi barlang, Budapest. Some of the inside photos show dripstone formations.

This is the second update to this single entry. I was thinking of doing this at all - but since I have no other form of written diary, it is inevitable. So, the part from now on is highly personal. You are welcomed to read, but consider yourself having been warned.

Kinesiology: I'm heading towards being content with being a woman. It was not always this way. My parents wanted a boy and although in a subtle and strange way, unfortunately they did express their dissatisfaction. As far as I recall I was made to believe that had I been born a boy, their marriage would have lasted for longer. Which is, as far as I know now is not true. My father and my mother married for they loved each other and love as such, blinded them both. They were unable to see the vast gap between them, in almost every aspect of life. Such is love. This love produced a baby, who thought she had to fit into the world as a boy. Secretly, though as obviously she was born with female organs and female disposition, including being attracted by (and to) men. Still, she thought she had to be and act like a man and befit to the role of a man. That is what she used to think. Now the kin. session has made me see that when I had been high above (pre-born), I had wanted to become a woman. So that's why I became the one who I became. What my parents wanted and wished for is not my trouble. They loved me, they did not love each other. They still do love me in their own special ways, and they still do not love each other. That's why they divorced when I was 12. But as I was upbrought by my mother, somehow, some of the programs of life she uses has been transferred to me. This is rather unfortunate as I have my own life. The second session was about a disposition I learned from my mother, unconsciously, during my years with her. This does not belong to me. My way of life, my loving is different and it should be. I'm still working on it and it helps over the bumps of our marriage we've been experienced in the past six-seven months. This session helps me overcome my jealousy... that tells it all...
Meditation: meditation is exhilarating. It either opens new horizons for me or simply releases the stress. I believe to have undergone an OBE in August 2006 and I think this is just what happened this time, February 19 2007. In the first part yesterday, we had to experience a path bordered by rose-shrubs that lead to a house. The door oopened and there was a man in the door, but I had to remove it as the leader of the maditaion spoke of no person inside. I reckon this as an excercise for sticking to the point. I saw the man, but I had to remove him from the meditation. Then we had to saw photos on the wall and again I saw pictures, but I had to sweep them away in exchange for the images we were told to see. This is did well. On the second part we had to relax at a side of a lake and then go uphill to meet a lama. This meditation was aimed at meeting him as a spiritual helper. We had to ask questions and had to wait and accept the answer. On the way to the hill we had to let go off our physical and emotional burdens in two steps. This is when I felt as if I had been shelled and only a light-brown inner self was left behind. Later on the brown had gone and only a white-ish body remained. It was me, but without the usual body. The outline was the same, but the flesh as seen by my everyday self has gone. It came so unexpectedly. I met the lama and put forth one of the questions (would the political and economical changes come true as it was foretold by the wise?) He said yes. Then I asked my second question (would our house be remodelled before the crisis?) he answered yes. Then I, slightly disappointed asked him whether he was able to say anything besides 'yes' to my questions. And began thinking of other q's. But first of all, one came into my mind. (would the relationship between me and my husband work out for good, finally?) I added that probably this is the most important question of all. And the lama said yes, this is the most important. He reassured me of this q being the most essential one, but he did not said yes or no. Maybe this was his answer that this is the question of questions and this has to be answered before anything. The tone he used suggested that it will be allright and right now we are working on it and that we have to work on it, putting everything else behind. Before the lama and I parted he (according to the instructor) gave me love energy from his heart-chakra. We were told to experience a light blue streak of energy. It came right as a punch into me, wow. Going down on the hill was an easy walk now. I enjoyed every moment of this meditation. And it is always so hard to get out of it - I wish I could stay longer...

If you have come to read this closing line, well, you know something more and something intimate about me. Use it wisely, my friend.

Be well and thanks again for the encouraging words.

afterpieces of an out-of-body experience

This Sunday (9 July), I had a wonderful experience. I took part in a meditation, where the leader guided us to meet what is supposed to be our inner and higher self. It was not an extraordinarily new idea to me that our body is not our equivalent. Also, that one has to be thankful for God (Mother Earth and higher spirit, whatever) for having received a body for the fulfillment of one's tasks is also an idea that did not struck me as brand new this afternoon.

What I want to express here is the unexpressable. My trouble is that although many of the ideas presented there and on other spiritual forums is familiar to me, I have hard times verbalizing my experiences, efforts and thoughts. Not to mention that I have a bit of hard times right now - I am trying to reflect on and explain something I find hard to vocalize in my own language, in a language not mine.

Well, it was not my very first out-of-body experience. The thing is one can not be completely sure as the thing s/he felt was a real out of body experience and that s/he really took the journey to those places. I think it's my shortsightedness or lack of experience that makes me feel this way. Had I more expriences in the field, I would able to see more clearly. There's only one way to cure it: more experiences. More relevant reading and studying.

The Sunday journey was so very much refreshing. It filled me up with energy. On my way home, I went afoot. I felt lithe and zippy and somehow out of our present day again. But this time I had a better onlook on things, than in the days of depression. I spyed things from above, from a higher level of frequency. I jumped through water puddles with an awesome grace. My leaps in the air were effortless, yet completely controlled. I felt divine.

I had to walk through a bridge. Through the river Danube, as the event took place in Budapest and I went not to my home but to my MILO's place.

I arrived to the bridge, to one of the oldest and largest of the town. It does not corss the river in a squarely fashion. As there is an island in the middle of the river, the bridge bends and is much longer as it should normally be.

I kept on my happy pace and as I looked around, watching the world as a glamorous scenery around, where I am a free soul, I found my eyesight pondering above the water. The Danube was light brown (filthy from the city) and wide. It whirled around and every here and there I saw serious drifts in the surface. My eyes were set on those abysses (the water is deep here). I felt mesmerized. I hardly could avert my eyes. And I felt falling. Theoretically.

From the fancy heights collapsed I, down to the drift. The feeling was unescapable.

I felt hopeless and down.

I had to take some time to gather myself and walk away. I did not want to jump, my friends. I felt sorry/anger/frustration because water could take my good and high mood away. Water took me off to a lower level of frequency. It had powers beyond me.

I don't understand as I never was afraid of water or of being drowned. Instead, I used to fear of being electrocuted by some electricity short-cut or a broken machine.

Did I have this feeling because I allowed water and all forms of water into my soul? I don't think so as I did not allowed it in - it was already there and I just let it out.

I have to work on it.