the old shell is worn-out the new one is just about to form

seems that looong titles are my favourites this time of my life, aren't they?
Okay, I am here and try to give some explanation - much needed by myself, too.

me, myself and I? Do I speak too much about myself?

As I think I have just grown up to see that it was high time that the old daughter-father relationship went away. It has not. Distrusts and suspicion have crawled into the little hut we used to built for ourselves.

I feel like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2; when she realizes that she had to strengthen herself to be able to survive.

I feel like I have to stop whining about any loss I suffered - not that I did that too much...

I witnessed my transformation with awe, as much of the things I changed within myself was of my use and benefit. I know this. And I am thankful for the person who had the courage to help me, a belief in me and an uttermost love towards me - all those feature do still exist.

That makes it harder.

For my part, I love him, too. But....

I feel my emotions shattered. We do not seem to have enough quality time together to make the love real again. I am scared to say that the fire has gone cause it has not. Or not really. What happened during my stay in Holland was not the reason for our not being well together - it was just a shock that has woken me up. It was high time we faced this.

Why? Why I say these things and think like that? How will it end?

I am into finding myself. The grown-up woman. Sounds trivial? Life is at its bests...and worsts... Signs like The Tower might tell something. That I am unable to behave as I used to yet I am bounded by habits, too. That I feel frustrated - the feeling I have been experiencing from early this year on... living in a golden cage, where everything seems perfect. Not in the way you find the same symbol in various literatures such as in Ibsen's A doll's house (Nora), but yet...

The want to break free seemed pointless at the same time. I love this mam he loves me - why? Why want anything else when everything's so fucking perfect? We are told to be the match made in heaven. So again, why? What is wrong with me?

Is it me who is wrong? The things I have lost and have given up are mainly bullshits I know. But somehow I feel I have lost something that was entirely me. Why do I have to think like this at all? Why am I not content with the present?

Can someone possibly share some self-confidence? To ignite the strength I know I have in me? I prefer not accepting help, though. It is a task I must do all by myself. And with the love I have within. I might fall... I will stand up.