This is any analysis of the past year - how it affected me, what I obtained, what were my losses...What are my resolutions for the new-ish year...
CAUTION. This is marked as highly personal. You are welcomed to read, if you want to get a better insight into me, myself and I - but you might not like what you see. If you feel like doing a similar brainstorming, do not hesitate to work it out on your blog. And invite me to a have a peep into you :)
I had to gather my thoughts and making this entry took a longer while as usually.
I had to gather my thoughts and making this entry took a longer while as usually.
Let's start with the physical:
I gained some 5 kgs in the last weeks of 2006 and I'm hoping to shed it by doing more excercise and eating less in-between meals, yeah. I'm 165 cm tall (ok, I'm that short) and have reached 60 kgs recently. This extra 5kgs bugger me.
Despite the weight gain I kept my somewhat good and young-ish condition. I still need to get more stamina by hiking and keeping an eye on my eating habits. I am unsure of what I substitue with eating. That is not really normal.
I got a liking to swimming, which was the most pleasant physical surprise of 2006. Re-inventing swimming is like embracing an old friend. It's not that I'm a good swimmer, not at all. I just like it. And swimming in alive water (such as a river) compares to nothing.
I have more gray hair. It's not easily visible for a simple onlooker in the street, but if you watch closely, you'd spot those silver threads waving up at the top of my head. It mingles nicely to my natural black-brown tone. I'm determined NOT to dye my hair. I'm getting older, so what.
I went to The Netherlads (posts about it are here, here and here) and attented the great Terra Madre event in Italy as well. (posts about it are here, here and here). I like going abroad and getting new experiences, meeting people, get to know their way of living and thinking. These two trips were extremely useful as I was edging total exhaustion due to many different reasons. These new experiences helped me get out of the bottom of melancholy.
I've lost my job in 2006. This was a job I started in 2003. During these 3 years I had various tasks, but most of all my range of tasks paralelled the money the company had. It was a non-profit one with a small business line along and I took part in both. I liked the non-profit part better, but now I'm glad it's over. There will be some other jobs on the horizon. At the moment I'm doing some translation as this is my original job. I hope and seek to find some more translations in 2007 so as to have more money and so as to feel myself needed, necessary.
Go on with the emotional:
I did have a hard year. I had to grow up to the tasks the year 2006 challenged me with. My oldest kid (a now 10 yo intelligent yet hardly manageable boy, who has his own troubles, too... plus, to my horror I keep discovering the same inclinations within him that I have and make my own life miserable... But who else's there to help him out if not I?) was expelled from the local Waldorf School for not being cooperative. In short he was bored to tears during classes. As this was his second institute, we had to look for a third one in the middle of the school year. Nasty, isn't it? The local school admitted him (in Hungary, parents might choose any school in town for their kids, or they might opt for a school in another town as well, but the local school MUST house the kid. Regardless of him/her being a rebel, or a non-wanted one. That was the card we played... Guess what. The teachers proved to be the best ones available in town... Really so!) Well, my son's arrival to the 'new' (read: third) school was forerun by his fame which did not help him in being really accepted. So I had him home-schooled for months during spring and early summer and late fall as well. The case seem to be solved by now and he has a new teacher and everything seems to go allright :)
The point is that I had to give up some of my well liked privacy and have him home. We used to have classes and I gave him homeworks and so on. And I gave my privacy and beloved aloneness flawlessly cause I had to. I had no other choice. I am happy for I was able to put up with the situation. This was a lesson on giving, motherhood and letting some of my selfishness go... I had to fight the ultimate question: What the f... will become to my son? Is he normal or retarded? Am I to accept that he has some mental challenge (like Aspergens syndrome) or is it that the teachers are not good enough? (On a side note: he is not confirmed to have any mental challenge at all)
Also, I went through a mental stage that is best described as detachment. Due to various reasons (incl but not limited to the loss of my job, my son's situation) I felt completely worthless and I did not see the reason for carrying the whole thing on for a moment more. I felt I was ready to give in... This is somehow went away and no I do not intend to seek phyciatrics or medicaments of any of the modern kind. I've never taken any anti-depressants, thank you for the question. Nor will I ever. Drugs alter my mind, which I strongly oppose. This is not coming from any religious belief - I just don't believe in masking the symptoms. I'd rather seek the real root of the problem.
So that's why finally I've decided to seek advice and help from a kinesiologist. I owe Anniina an explanation on this, and yese, I will post something about this thing later on. You might check the internet in the meantime, but what I found was a bit of disappointing. Most pages I found scorn at it. In short: it does not hurt, it does not alter my mind. It seeks advice from within me and wants to find the cause of the problem. And if it helps - why not? The session I attended in early December was absolutely helpful. It helped me understanding why I behave in certain ways and why I treat myself in certain ways. Sounds blurry, and probably boring doesn't it?
My marriage has take a surprising leap in the dark during this autumn. It involved events I've never dreamt of. We both had our days and nights spent with crying, shouting, fearing, wondering, argueing and peacefully talking. I've never thought I could be going on for days doing barely more than shedding tears whenever I can. I do not wish to tell more about it. It's still a bit hard to understand but we are still a pair and the love is still there. We had our 12th anniversary this October and we think we are to hold each other's and until the very end. We are working on understanding each other and our very selves more. We wish to accept who we are and who the other half is. I warned you this section was about emotions, didn't I?
And finally, the spiritual part:
I gained some 5 kgs in the last weeks of 2006 and I'm hoping to shed it by doing more excercise and eating less in-between meals, yeah. I'm 165 cm tall (ok, I'm that short) and have reached 60 kgs recently. This extra 5kgs bugger me.
Despite the weight gain I kept my somewhat good and young-ish condition. I still need to get more stamina by hiking and keeping an eye on my eating habits. I am unsure of what I substitue with eating. That is not really normal.
I got a liking to swimming, which was the most pleasant physical surprise of 2006. Re-inventing swimming is like embracing an old friend. It's not that I'm a good swimmer, not at all. I just like it. And swimming in alive water (such as a river) compares to nothing.
I have more gray hair. It's not easily visible for a simple onlooker in the street, but if you watch closely, you'd spot those silver threads waving up at the top of my head. It mingles nicely to my natural black-brown tone. I'm determined NOT to dye my hair. I'm getting older, so what.
I went to The Netherlads (posts about it are here, here and here) and attented the great Terra Madre event in Italy as well. (posts about it are here, here and here). I like going abroad and getting new experiences, meeting people, get to know their way of living and thinking. These two trips were extremely useful as I was edging total exhaustion due to many different reasons. These new experiences helped me get out of the bottom of melancholy.
I've lost my job in 2006. This was a job I started in 2003. During these 3 years I had various tasks, but most of all my range of tasks paralelled the money the company had. It was a non-profit one with a small business line along and I took part in both. I liked the non-profit part better, but now I'm glad it's over. There will be some other jobs on the horizon. At the moment I'm doing some translation as this is my original job. I hope and seek to find some more translations in 2007 so as to have more money and so as to feel myself needed, necessary.
Go on with the emotional:
I did have a hard year. I had to grow up to the tasks the year 2006 challenged me with. My oldest kid (a now 10 yo intelligent yet hardly manageable boy, who has his own troubles, too... plus, to my horror I keep discovering the same inclinations within him that I have and make my own life miserable... But who else's there to help him out if not I?) was expelled from the local Waldorf School for not being cooperative. In short he was bored to tears during classes. As this was his second institute, we had to look for a third one in the middle of the school year. Nasty, isn't it? The local school admitted him (in Hungary, parents might choose any school in town for their kids, or they might opt for a school in another town as well, but the local school MUST house the kid. Regardless of him/her being a rebel, or a non-wanted one. That was the card we played... Guess what. The teachers proved to be the best ones available in town... Really so!) Well, my son's arrival to the 'new' (read: third) school was forerun by his fame which did not help him in being really accepted. So I had him home-schooled for months during spring and early summer and late fall as well. The case seem to be solved by now and he has a new teacher and everything seems to go allright :)
The point is that I had to give up some of my well liked privacy and have him home. We used to have classes and I gave him homeworks and so on. And I gave my privacy and beloved aloneness flawlessly cause I had to. I had no other choice. I am happy for I was able to put up with the situation. This was a lesson on giving, motherhood and letting some of my selfishness go... I had to fight the ultimate question: What the f... will become to my son? Is he normal or retarded? Am I to accept that he has some mental challenge (like Aspergens syndrome) or is it that the teachers are not good enough? (On a side note: he is not confirmed to have any mental challenge at all)
Also, I went through a mental stage that is best described as detachment. Due to various reasons (incl but not limited to the loss of my job, my son's situation) I felt completely worthless and I did not see the reason for carrying the whole thing on for a moment more. I felt I was ready to give in... This is somehow went away and no I do not intend to seek phyciatrics or medicaments of any of the modern kind. I've never taken any anti-depressants, thank you for the question. Nor will I ever. Drugs alter my mind, which I strongly oppose. This is not coming from any religious belief - I just don't believe in masking the symptoms. I'd rather seek the real root of the problem.
So that's why finally I've decided to seek advice and help from a kinesiologist. I owe Anniina an explanation on this, and yese, I will post something about this thing later on. You might check the internet in the meantime, but what I found was a bit of disappointing. Most pages I found scorn at it. In short: it does not hurt, it does not alter my mind. It seeks advice from within me and wants to find the cause of the problem. And if it helps - why not? The session I attended in early December was absolutely helpful. It helped me understanding why I behave in certain ways and why I treat myself in certain ways. Sounds blurry, and probably boring doesn't it?
My marriage has take a surprising leap in the dark during this autumn. It involved events I've never dreamt of. We both had our days and nights spent with crying, shouting, fearing, wondering, argueing and peacefully talking. I've never thought I could be going on for days doing barely more than shedding tears whenever I can. I do not wish to tell more about it. It's still a bit hard to understand but we are still a pair and the love is still there. We had our 12th anniversary this October and we think we are to hold each other's and until the very end. We are working on understanding each other and our very selves more. We wish to accept who we are and who the other half is. I warned you this section was about emotions, didn't I?
And finally, the spiritual part:
Spiritual experiences of the past year somehow managed to combine and put into a higher level of understanding all those things I've ever learned and or experienced in this field. Like a synthesis of all things formerly known but at a higher level. The main key of ignition was probably the course I started (which I later abandoned, for the seesions being a bit far away from my home). I had wonderful experiences like wholeness and reflection, and an out of body experience as well. I began to feel that I am more apt to perceive, analyze and understand things. Fragments make whole pictures better and clearer than they did before. The progress has not ended and I guess it will go on as long as I live - and this one is probably not the last of my learning lives. I think I've learned towards accepting the material world as it is, my being somehow vulnerable and peccable...My being a woman....(for reference, see the end of this entry) My being a being at all.... Those were the hard times.... And clearly that's not the end of my development as there are more to come this new year of 2007: I am to master many other things. Relationships, acceptance and sacrifices... Won't be easy.
And also, I met poetry along the path...or was it poetry that found me???
6 megjegyzés:
That was a beautiful, thoughtful post, SF. You give of yourself generously to your readers, and to your friends and family. And I think poetry sought you out. Keep bravely on your path, you're not alone :)
I am thankful for your faith in me, but you know I often wonder whether my readers want THAT MUCH of me... Whether I should be seeking and exploring something ELSE instead of myself...
thank you for your long, intelligent and sincere post, my dear... much of what you write i could echo in my own words but you've done so well yourself :D
as anniina wrote, you are brave and you are absolutely not alone since there are people close and further away who understand, who read and experience the thoughts you write...
you are a genuine person and as such needs to deal with so many issues in daily life, it can be daunting... just continue to be yourself, believe in yourself and in the people you love, so that life can become comprehensible again...
keep well, be excellent ;-)
Dear Bart,
it is always encouraging to experience/feel/hear that the road I'm treading is not a desolated one. That others have suffered their way through it or are still suffering through it.
I do keep being myself, but believing in myself seems to be another thing...that does not come easy.
Oh heck - are you sure we arent on some kind of parallel universe? (I know this was way back in October but... wow!)
I am liking you more and more. I too have a child who behaves somewhat ... difficultly. I get frustrated with my partner. I feel inadequacy within my career (what career - basically I am a secretary).. your amazing... I am glad I found this.
Wow.
This IS REALLY amazing, Melly'!
Megjegyzés küldése