on depression

I don't think I know much about depression, except the kind(s) I have. Also, I'm not an expert on psychological deviations, except those I have.
Last night we had a talk with my DH and managed to get through some of the dimensions of our relationship - as we've been experiencing a bumpy road since about the middle of 2006. It's not that we have not had talks over this period - at times it seems we've had more than enough...

Yet, there still were things and aspects of our lives between mid-2006 and today that needed further and deeper discussion.

Depression was one of them.

My husband appears to have never had depression. I, on the other hand, have experienced some phases of deep (and deeper) depressions.

During 2006 I had one strike of blue - was it due to the loosing of my job of 3 years, the repetitive problems with my son in various schools, the lack of real relaxation, general stress, the obscurity of my own future and also that of the renovations of our house, financial problems...See? I could create an endless list, if I wished.

Yet all the time I was well aware that there are millions of other people around the world who would give perhaps, one of their arms to experience such 'financial hardhsips' and 'conditions of living' as I did. For I had bread on my table and a roof above my head.

From time to time I felt that my misery is less important than of people who were less fortunate...this guilt just added one more point to the list of reasons for depression.

My husband had some interesting idea on his head in 2006 - which he thought would improve our life, and which he did with the best possible intentions, yet I was shocked and just could not feel happy about it. This created quite a turmoil in our little life between August 2006 and January 2007. The 'afterlife' meant months of gasping for air and confusion, and finally quiet acceptance and peace.

Psychologically speaking, the rest of 2007 was sort of uneventful, no major 'fun' ideas, no major strikes of depression either. Life returned to normal again.

And dang comes January 2008 when it seems that what others percieve as normal is not so much wanted and accepted - and the blame this time is on me.

It's not that my husband does not have his own problems, because he does. From time to time we have talks between the two of us about his issues: his jobs and interests, his spiritual development, his worries about the future of mankind and the Hungarian nation, his kids and his wife.

It's also NOT that he only cares about himself. Being selfish is one of the top sins in his book you know. Basically, he would like to help any and everyone out in the world - it's not him I told you...it's me. It's me who shuts up and refrains from speaking, rejects the helping hand, and sees everything dark.

For when I'm depressed I tend to turn inside, to read and write poems, listen to depressive music - those are my substances *grins*

And while it's all right to listen to sad poetry and music, allow one's mind to wander into some darker regions - I love it, I really do...

But when one's really, really depressed a little walk and/or exercise in the open air, a friendly meeting with people who love you and accept you is more of a help to combat depression. But when you are really in *it* you just don't have the energy and will to combat anything at all. When you have to walk to get to somewhere you just find yourself walking off of the pavement, not really caring about cars for example. It really does not matter anymore. Nothing does, practically. My depression sometimes feels like as if I was having an OBE. Some religious beliefs strive for nirvana - a state which is achieved by not wanting anything. By shaking off all the pleasures of life. I think I know what these views refer to. I don't mind having depression attacks from time to time. When I'm in it, it feels bloody awful. But it spices up and definitely widens the scope of the experiences I have.

My husband accepted my strange views on the plus side of depression. Last night's talk was some sort of a breakthrough for us: it was about the first time I was able to verbalize my thoughts and feelings towards depression. DH liked the talk we had. Since he has not experienced similar feelings, he was able to get a glimpse into it, and into the most difficult part of it: that this topic is extremely hard to talk about. Especially when you're in it.

I'm still quite sure I have not explored every hook and corner of depression and every potential reasons and cures. But first of all, this post is already pushing the limits of the length of a post; and besides I have still a lot to find out and understand. I have to be more open about it, especially towards my own self.

If you have any opinions about the topic, do care to share with me. But no advice involving the use of drugs/medicines/doctors will be accepted :-P

Thank you for listening. All drawings were made by my daughter at the beginning of 2006. The last photo, depicting a Fly Agaric was made by me in The Netherlads, September 2006.

work

I'm translating a text for a short educative video about blah...blah.. subjects.

Don't ask - they are boring.

Basically, it is a video and it speaks English. I'm putting down what I'm hearing and then translate the text to Hungarian. The end product will either be dubbed or subtitled. That's out of my reach and competence. I just translate the text.

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I have never done video translations before. I was just wondering how different these texts (that are designed to be heard or read as subtitles) should be to those that are supposed to be read from a monitor or from paper.

If the text is to be understood - I should keep it as simple as possible. No back search, or quick looking ups for forgotten words or references are allowed. When you're reading a book, these come as natural aids. But when you are hearing the text plus there's a video to turn your attention away from the meaning, text has to be more precise and to-the-point.

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For the time being, I try to focus on my work.

in the maze

where is the door?
where am I?
am I to find you....or am I to find myself?
I used to have a key, but it dissolved over the times of desperation, waiting and what else not...
Around me, there's a desert I see, and the sand is filling me up.

where am I to go...?
is there any road besides those I've tread a hundred times...?
do my fears support me or do they keep me away from something I should be doing instead?
is there a road at all?
why tread any path at all?
how will I know the right?
will the pledges and resolution I made *up there* be fulfilled if I sway?
will they not if I stay in my rut?
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is this all there is for me?

A surprisingly 'Evil' party

First of all, this post is dedicated to Evil Editor, whose book 'Novel Deviations 3' is released on Thursday. Congratulations, Evil Editor!!!

There will be a blog party at Church Lady's site to celebrate the event on January 24.

I do not frequent Evil Editor's blog quite often... - but it never leaves me unimpressed.

I did some google-research to find out how this person might look like.

This is what I got. Based on the writings on the site, I think this photo fits quite well.

- - -
Speaking of jokes and fun, one of my favourite jokes goes out to Chris, wherever she is. *winks*

Two lumbermen are working in a forest.
Soon one of them finds out that his fellowman stabbed an axe into his back. Tortured with pain, the first man asks: Is this for real? Yes, comes the gloomy answer from the second man.
The first is relieved. For if it was a joke, it would not be funny at all.

Stuff

Dear all,
right now I'm loaded up to my neck and above with jobs to do.
I have to translate a power-point presentation that is on the web here:
http://ec.europa.eu/cip/presentation_en.htm
and have to write a text to these videos: http://ec.europa.eu/energy/intelligent/library/videos_en.htm

I wish I had the job to translate a fiction novel instead.
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Well, I have some other stuff!

The story of stuff.

Watch it HERE. - And yes, do watch it.

It seems that there is a bug in the video somewhere in Chapter 'Consumption' at perceived obsclescence. Planned and perceived obscolescence are theories a reasonable and ecologically conscious minds must have come up with at some point of their lives, but now it is supported by facts. I love this animated short film.

Annie speaks about the USA, but don't get me wrong - things are pretty much similar everywhere in the so called 'developed' world.

My kids watched the film too. We paused the film every now and then, translated the text, but basically the drawings are quite excellent to convey the meaning.

These are the drawings my kids made:

A friendly award

Vesper has given this 'Mwah' award, which is given to bloggers who (and here comes my own definition) are supportive friends. It goes out to kind, helpful people who, supposed they were not just virtually present, would receive a friendly hug and or 'mwah' every now and then. Sometimes simply for their being for what they are.

(As I am a person who never really gives kisses-on-the-cheeks to anyone, especially not to women (yes, I am that weird - am I?) I took the liberty to redefine the award.)

Once the award is given, it is to be spreaded.

So, my friendly hug goes out to a few places....

Anniina (who used to be a frequent visitor, but now is quite absent).

Beth (who masters at listening and supporting instead of being 'plain kind').

Chris (who, while moving to Dubai, living in boxes with only one underwear still finds the spirit to organize fun contests and all-).

Jason (who not only is supportive and friendly, period, but successfully aims at keeping a virtual community about writing).

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And now my words to all those who have NOT been mentioned:

Consider yourself mentioned and hugged, too.

Spread the word, friends.

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This is the good old Free Hugs video. Enjoy!

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When there's constant gloom hung above us and the world is dripping sadness, help yourself some pure and unadulterated hug. Spread the love.

Sauerkraut

This is going to be a small, informative post about how to make you own sauerkarut at home.

First of all this post is dedicated to Herrick Kimball, who is a farmer by heart and a very educative at that. Most of his blogging time is spent upon providing the curious reader with information about how to make garlic powder, how to butcher a chicken, how to take home-made sinus sauna and although being mostly agriculture/food-related, the list is almost endless. I recall the little discussion we had about the culinary use of chicken head for example. I have to add that we seem to have different views on the Bible - but that's a completely different story. Herrick is a tolerant teacher for anyone interested in agriculture. He illustrates his posts with so many proper photos that you just can't miss the meaning.

Secondly sauerkraut is a healthy, living food. Uncooked, it really is alive. It is the microorganisms (bacteria) that make sauerkraut different from a simple heap of shredded cabbage.

Thirdly, I love food with sauerkraut.

Once I posted one of my favourite meals HERE and I got some positive reflections from my readers. Hence is the third reason for writing this entry.

My fourth reason for writing this post is that making sauerkraut is damned easy.

So here we go.

You need:

white cabbages

salt, 1.5 gram per each kilogram of cabbage

a large clean tank

a glazed pot (a large container made of clay)

You have to do:

1. Remove all dirt from the cabbages. It is not really suggested to wash the plants. Simply remove dirt with your hands or a towel from the outside of the heads.

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2. Slice cabbage, or shred it. You can also leave a head or two intact - those come handy if you want to wrap some nice rice+meat combination of filling inside whole leaves.

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3. Measure cabbage and calculate the amount of salt.

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4. Collect salt all shredded cabbage into the large tank. Remove shoes/socks and wash your feet. This is not a joke. You have to push the unnecessary liquid out of cabbages with the force of your feet. If you have a cut, the salt will hurt your skin. You may want to do it with gloves on your hand, or with your feet wrapped into a plastic foil. Those are great options too. But what are kids for? For them it is kind of funny and/or strange. My kids were quite willing to do this labour intensive part of the making. Believe me, this is the toughest part. The rest is easy.

Illustrated down below:

It takes about 10 minutes of pushing. All right, once it is done you can go on forward.

5. Take the pot.

Let me ponder here for a while - there are special pickling pots, you can use them quite easily. Do NOT use, by any means plastic containers. As you probably know, not all plastic things are brand new. Some of them are recycled ones. Why the hell is not THAT great one might wonder...Oh why. Some of the plastic containers had their previous life as containers of pesticides that's just one of the reasons why.

I suggest buying a clay pot instead. In Hungary, pots are sold in various sizes. Size determines how much sauerkraut you will have. If you are into eating tonnes of it, buy a large pot. If you are unsure, buy a small one. Remember that you have to make the pot full with cabbage.

We used to make 15 kgs each winter - but we found out that we just can't eat as much. So we need a smaller pot.

6. Once the pot is clean, start layering shredded cabbage into it. But don't just 'add' as if you'd place a flower into someone's hands. Push it hard.

Some people add other ingredients as well. These may include, but absolutely not limited to: bay leaves (to give some extra flavour), zucchinis, slices of quince, or basically any other vegetable you feel suitable.

Once the pot is filled up you close it with the lid. The one special pot we use has a rim that goes along the top of the pot. We pour water into the rim, which keeps air out of the whole system.

Now, all you have to do is wait and make sure there's always water in the rim. I don't know of other type of pots, so I'm unsure as to how to airtight those. I'm sorry about that.

7. Sauerkraut is ready within two weeks.

8. You can take any portion out of the pot, but don't forget to re-close it making sure it's airtight. Once the sauerkraut is ready, you have about two months to use it up - as it is alive, you can't stop that useful bacteria from growing. Also, when air meets sauerkraut inside the pot there is a high chance of other bacteria and microorganisms getting into contact with both the product and the useful bacteria. So I suggest making a smaller amount at first and/or giving it endproduct away as present to friends/family.

Any questions?

Pictures were made in 2005. Sorry for the lameness of the second photo - I had to erase some personal reference...

Chicken update

Above is a photo of one of our great layers called Karvaly (Kuh-r*-wuh-y, meaning Sparrow-hawk) * refers to a rolling 'r'. All Hungarian 'r's are rolled, like in Spanish. She was born in 2007 and has become a potent egg-layer when she turned 6 month old. She is quite tame, you can just pick her up and carry her around.

This photo was made in the chicken yard. It portrays some of the young animals we have. Grapes is a pure-blood Turken rooster, Pretty's a half-blood Barred Turken hen. Cloud is a Japanese-Hungarian mixed hen, Caramel, Indian and Swallow are double purpose (meat-egg) type hens. All were born in 2007. Cloud is a descendant to Hajas (Huh-yush, Hairy).

This was taken from the Eastern view of their yard. Please note the aliminum feeder and the clever predator-proof door on the rear. It seems that Indian is present here as well. She's a good natured, extremely tame young hen. She's at 5 clock. Above her there's Roo, the cleverest of all. He IS clever. As you probably know, healthy hens of adult age MUST lay eggs from time to time. A new egg is made within their bodies in every 26 hours. Hens prefer a somewhat darker, quiet and safe place to lay an egg, which can take up to 30 minutes. We used to have one laying-place. As the number of hens increased, we introduced a new one. But, as the saying goes, chicken have the brains of a chicken. They still insisted on using the old one, and queued up for that, taking no notice of the new one.

And here comes our brilliant Roo! He sat into the new one and mimicked the laying of an egg. He called the hens to show them the new place. Isn't he smart? Other animals in the picture are Bug, Inky (hens) and Fudge (rooster). All these 3 are descendants of Roo and Hajas.

And finally, let me show you what eggs do we have. At the moment we have more than 50 eggs in our refridgerator. Anyone fancying one? We try to watch the hens as to find out who's laying what. This will come handy when selecting eggs for hatching in the spring.

Please note that the darker egg in my hand is a NORMAL-sized egg, the one on the right is out of measure. These eggs contain double yolks, but are unsuitable for hatching.

Drawing in the sand

I pictured your face into the sand
My fingers got hot
The Sun was above
And nothing but the horizon ahead


I made a drawing
And you watched me resting there for a while
With beryl grass up on white dunes
And the wind around my dreams


The face was yours I knew
I felt
I breathed in
Salt -
Was it my tears?
Were they yours?
I breathed out
Clouds -
Chasing each other they laughed and laughed
I fell and had to wash my face
My hands were so full of sand
I kept patting, scrubbing them until they hurt
And the sand stayed


I comb my hair in the evening
To meet someone else's gaze in the Moon
We touch and it feels right
But my hands
My hands encounter sand again


I think about the drawing I made
How my hands worked
Over the dream once I had
And nothing but the wind remembers the sand
Between my fingers


For there is sand
Between my fingers

lazy, lazy, lazy

A blue car arrived.

The pace of workers at the house has quickened. One man in green has started attending the flowers.

The managers workers were also budy discussing the course of events.
Soon there were houses for everyone. For those who liked some horseback riding, there were horses. Kids had their playgrounds. Mom has started barbecueing in the back-garden, beside the well.
After that, Mom got tired, drank some wine and went asleep.

Merry Christmas

Above is our Christmas Tree. It is fairly a feet tall, and is an alive pine. It's seed started growing in our garden and this is his first year as a Christmas tree.

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In the previous years, we used to have another, a larger specimen in the same container, but that one has outgrown her confinement. Each year we invited the tree into our barely-heated veranda. And she did reside there between 24 December and 6 January. But she became large and we had to give her away.

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Now we have this small one, so we decided to decorate the veranda and the container instead. But we do have some decorations on the tree itself.

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In Hungary, Christmas trees are usually set up on 24 December. Most people buy cut trees from street vendors. Some people buy trees in containers and there used to be a movement to tree-recycling, when people gave the tree back after the holidays, but unfortunately, it proved unsuccessful.

Most people keep the tree until mid-January. We, in respect of the living organism, relocate the tree back into the cold once the 'season' is over.

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In our family we decorate the tree together. It is a family activity, when everyone focuses on the tree and on making the room as nice as possible. Most decorations are angel/Jesus/star/plant/fairy-related. Most of our decorations are made of natural materials.

We prepare the room before noon, and decorate the tree after a hearty Christmas lunch. When it's ready, but not before the light starts to fade, we go for a walk.

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There's a Catholic church nearby with a short show called 'Betlehem'. Kids and adults join and re-play the story of the birth of Jesus. Small girls play angels, somewhat older kids play the shepherds and so on. There are animals involved as well. During the play, people can sing the songs along with the amateur actors. These are Catholic songs and folk songs as well.

We are not Catholics and our kids are well aware of that.

We watch the show because it is a good opportunity to walk away from home so that the angels can put the presents under the tree. But also the show is nice and peaceful. There are not really many people there, this year there were about a hundred. There are always friends there so that we can have some small season's talk with them. Everyone looks peaceful and seems to be expecting the evening and seems to be absorbed by the feeling of Christmas. The Curch is located at the very edge of the town, and there are many trees around.
When the show is over, we walk home and voilá - the presents are there, under the tree!

It's magic.

My kids are 11 and 8 and they still believe in the magic of angels.

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This is what we did today - we built a house :

Advent

As the world's pace is slowing down, and the light reaches it's shortest during the year, a star is born. I like Advent - it is about expectations. About a promise that will be fulfilled, an alleviation of burdens when they are the heaviest.

As time spirals towards Christmas, I'm getting into a relaxed mode.

How about you?

I have been collecting presents for the family and now almost everything is ready.

But I don't care much about presents itself.

In the year 2006 I have been gathering packages of grief, and were unable to shake them off quite easily. Some of them stays still and will be staying as long as I am.

I wrote 2006, but not by mistake. The year 2007 has come along with griefs of other kinds, too.

I open myself to the coming of the Winter Solstice, because in times of sorrow, where grayness prevails, one has to look for the smallest amount of victorious light.

I'm looking forward to my birthday as well - with mixed emotions.

I never thought growing old would feel at all.

Now my neck hurts, my knee hurts - these are temporary pains and will go away. But pains do stay longer now. Let us hope and pray that joy stays for longer, too.

I am thankful for having company here, even if it's virtual.

Have a Blessful Advent and Christmas.

A Hundred Entangled Words

I am expected at the edge.
My feet sink deep into the bog as they carry my troubled soul to the Elderly.
At the onset of night, a murmur raises. In the darkness a calling drifts, and a shiver of light lurks the inexperienced towards the marsh.
Some say it’s dangerous to walk alone. Some speak of vicious voices.
But that’s blindness to see, refusal to understand, objection to open up and perceive.

Grandma lived near the woods. She taught me to trust the Elderly whenever I was upset. Her silver hair swam around in a scent of bread, rosemary and apples in the room. She kept telling me stories, among which there was one I liked the most – The Legend of a Hundred Entangled Words:

Awe and respect guide me
Into your realm I’m approaching
Watch me, Elderly
A light guides me
When the Moon’s away
Into your arms I lower my pride
Your words I welcome through the mist
Have I been or done wrong
Judge me, Elderly
Am I the one to go or the one to stay
Tell me, Elderly
Your whisper settles down yet stirs within
Am I to stay or am I to enter the soft door
Under my feet
I bend to your decision
Like a ripple of dew
Take me if you wish
Lead me to eternal light

Well, this is how I came to this land today. I’ve been following the poem. Hush, I already hear the Wise speaking.

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This is a contest entry for Bernita's Weirdly contest.

Lions unite

I am humbled: The Shameless Lions Writing Circle, via Church Lady has given me the award called 'A Roar For Powerful Words'!

I would like to express my thanks to Church Lady for acknowledging my efforts.

I like that she says I have an earthy spirit - this is one of the nicest compliments I have ever been given. Plus, as a dedicated pagan this means oh-so-much to me. She likes my creativity and freshness - well, I like those as well, provided, there's any within me.

I have grown enough inside now to cast this praise away and say I'm not worth it...There were times when I acted like this. But as I grew more mature, I take it with a little blush and try to keep on working and living up to this standard.

Thank you, Church Lady!

Now, there's something about the award:

It was founded by Seamus Kearney. It's aim is to find, initiate and celebrate high-quality and powerful writing.

I am now to give three main characteristics I find of utmost importance in writing.

These are:

1. Depth and outcome and a potential help. There's no use reading/writing about things/people/events that do not explore some parts of the human (or other) soul. No matter how light or serious the subject of the writing is, no matter how long or short the writing is, it has to have a message and preferably, a positive one. Some encouragement. Some pshycological insight. Some help. Otherwise, one might grab and read a manual or a telephone book as well. Violence and pain is accepted - it's not that I can not tolerate them. But they have to have a well grounded meaning within the story. Perhaps it's not right to focus on this point, but meaningless violence and evil in writing hurts and spreads discomfort. And it does not help fight against violence.

2. A careful selection of words. I like when there are exciting or even exotic words in a writing, but...enough is enough. Since I consider myself more of a poet-in-training than a writer of prose, I like new combinations and expressions that make themselves resonate within the reader's mind. I like when reading a poem I feel the need to read it aloud for more pleasure.

3. Accuracy and determination. A purpose. Uhm, I'm sort of confused... How to put it? A writing that comes from true inspiration, that was fished from deep within, was written with honesty, not for a special market but to fulfill the need to write it. The relief the writer must have felt. It's even better when the reader gets some of this alleviation of pains.

And now, here are my list of bloggers/writers I wish to give the award to:

1. Vesper. Her words are powerful. My favourite poem by her is this. Please follow the link. But even when, for whatever reason, her voice is not that peaceful, the reader does get the meaning. She carefully plays with words and forms of poetry.

2. Bernita Harris. She makes readers think. She makes readers think about writing in general and also, she helps working out on some minor details as well. It's not that she provides readers with complex solutions - but she opens up our eyes to look and find and look and find again with the final goal of improving ourselves.

3. Jason Evans. He's quite complex talent provides readers with powerful writings including, but not limited to poetry, vignettes and short stories. I also heart his contests, but most of all I like his attention towards his readers. (The same goes to Bernita and Vesper as well!)

4. Paul at Strugglingwriter. He's definitely got that 'cheerful' touch to his writing. He's down-to-earth mentality is combined with spirituality and kindness. Too bad that his prose is hardly available in this site of his. Readers would clearly need more :)

5. Steve on the Slow Train. I have to admit that I do not read all of his posts. Shame on me, I know. His honesty and dedication toward any topic shows through his writing. His words are powerful. He digs deep and presents us with his findings. Most, if not all of his entries are non-fiction. Well, I love non fiction just as much as I do fiction.

Thank you again, and spread the word!

Recall the close look

This is some statistics I gathered around the 'Take a close look' photo quiz.

It's not that I can't let it go...I just wish to recall once again the fun it contained, and which, as it seemed, we all shared.

Well, I did my part: made macro-shots and that was all.

The best part was on my readers' side: they came and came again to look at my photographs, guess and guess again.

I wish to thank you all for taking part. You fantastic contribution in the comments section truly have made my job worthwile.

Here comes the statistics part of this entry.

Between 28 June and 22 November, there were 10 rounds.

Overall number of players: 62

Average number of players per round: 6,2

Number of individual players: 23

Total number of guesses:95

Average number of guesses per rounds:9,5
Number of guesses per players throughout the whole game: 4,13

A complete list of players, listed according to their order of appearance: Em, Bart, Lanternlight, Jason Evans, Kenju, Hails, Aniina, Bo, Beth, Husband to Bo, Melly, Wordnerd, Hoodie, IllMan, Angelique, Mr. Schprock, Soph, Ello, Church Lady, Pacatrue, Aine, Steve, Kathleen.

Each turn, a winner was announced.

SzélsőFa's now presenting you the winners galore!!!

Em (partial jawbone and teeth), Beth (with porous rock for limestone), Melly (feather), Beth (tree trunk), Beth (mushroom), Beth (soil), Hoodie (sunflower seeds), Jason Evans (moulded pufball mushroom), Aine (deep-fried coating), IllMan (cat fur on cat)

Winners took my compliments and admiration - but, no fancy stuff was sent out. I meant this to be fun, without any obligation on any part.

And after all these data, let me hand out some MORE awards:

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Faith award goes out to the player who took part in the largest number of rounds: Beth (eight)

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Wits and Eye to the player who won the most rounds: Beth, winning rounds 2, 4, 5 and 6.

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Eye and Eye Alone award goes to the player who guessed round Number 8 which turned out to be the toughest one: Jason Evans (rotten puffball mushroom).

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Fair Play award is going to the player who just kept guessing and guessing even while acknowledging she was wrong at guessing : Ello

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The Weird Eye is got by the player who had the strangest guess: Anniina (in round seven with 'heads of bald crows' for sunflower seeds).

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The Funny Eye award goes to the player who had the funniest guess: Hoodie (petrified alligator head in round eight)

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The Scientific Eye to the player with the most scientific guess (for a mushroom top in round five): Mr. Schprock with ***Okay, I am going to guess this is the much-anticipated fifth cranial node an adolescent Venutian male develops just prior to becoming a tertiary stage thrak. What gives it away are the tiny hairs growing out of the node's vespore, a sure sign of Venutian maturation. Females never grow a fifth node, often resulting in classic "node envy."***

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The Close to the Forest Award, with extra points to the player who noticed all my themes were related to nature: Em (in round six).

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Some personal remarks:

I thought round number 3 with feather was the easiest. It really proved to be the one. I thought mushroom head was also easy in round 5, but people came up with various funny ideas and that was a true delight in the history of the game. Sunflower seeds produced the scariest misguess of the whole game, and the player was honored by a special award. Aine's guess (closeup of wolf fur in round 10 for cat fur also made me think some, btw.)

My favourite photos were round 4 (close up of a walnut tree) and round 8 (rotten puffball mushroom). I enjoyed how difficult they proved to my kind readers.

All photos were made by me, between 21 June and 3 August 2007. All, except for soil in round 6, were made in or around our house.

And for the future?

I do NOT plan to continue this contest, at least not in the foreseeable blogging future. If time and inspiration suggest otherwise I am ready to take the challenge again.

But now I have something else in my mind. Another contest. Now, it's also about pictures, but in a different way. More about that when at least 60% of the contest material is available for me.

And you?

Which photos/rounds were your favourites? Did you like the idea at all? Did you like the photos in general? Do you like taking part in fun contests? Do you mind if there are no prizes?

Cheers from behind the lense,

To the Skies I Cry

I feared the fire
And I became the blaze
I feared drowning
And I became the ocean
I feared dissolving
So I flew away
But I never feared earth
And to her, I return

Hiking in the hills

Starting point: Tokod, a small city in the Gerecse Mountains.

Destination: Kesztölc, a small city in the Pilis Mountains.

Distance covered:15kms - convert from metric HERE.

Highest peak: Nagy-Gete 455m.

Weather: clear, sometimes sunny, 5-8 degrees centigrade.

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Worst experience: My son complaining about how dull and pointless hiking in general is. Later he exclaimed he wished to eat one of the berries he knew were poisonous so that he would die.

Best experience: The view from the top. Also, my son saying at the end that it was an interesting day.

Worst hiking experience: Having to go uphill at a 25-40 degrees slope for 90 minutes.

Best hiking experience: I was just as much panting as anyone in the group. Plus, I did climb it, after all. Also, the mactro shots I made.

Enjoy the photos.

We all took a close look

Those who participated at any point of the 'take a closer look' photo contest surely do know what the title of this entry refers to.
Between 28 June and 11 November, there were 10 rounds, and the winner of the tenth one is still obscure.

Let's shout out congratulations into the blogosphere to the person who got this object right - you might wish to check back to refresh your memory for the original photo.

In round 10, there were 10 players!!! We had as much as 18 (eighteen) guesses.

Your ideas ranged from 'fallen snow' through 'animal fur' to 'someone who needs a shave' to various dried objects including 'hay', 'thistle', 'grass', pine needles'. The brave ventured into saying 'feathers'.

Well, my friends, this turned out to be funnier than it really was.

I'd say Beth was quite close with 'animal fur' and Aine with 'wolf' (- on a side note: I wish I were in friendly terms with a wolf enough to make a photo this close to his fur).

But the winner got it completely right:

It was a close up of a cat.

Congratulations, IllMan!

Here's proof. This is Berci (Behr-tzie)

--- to be continued.

I'm planning to write a small statistics on the complete course of the game; to be posted soon.

Mad Tree

CAUTION:

Some readers might find some of the upcoming photos and outright truth disturbing. One might wish to avert his/her eyes and perception. One might choose to see and understand. You have been warned.

Angelique commented to the last post:

'It sounds to me like a metamorphosis is taking shape before our very eyes. I cannot wait to see what exciting things are in store for you, dear blogging buddy. I know they'll be incredibly fulfilling.'

I'd like to dedicate a post to answering this.

We all face changes during the course of our lives. Sometimes a change comes dramatically, within a period of a few days or weeks, or even hours (?). Some changes evolve much more slowlier.

Now, I feel I'm changing somehow, but do not understand the new path completely, do not see the direction clearly.

The change must have started already, which accounts for my anxiety and slight discomfort. I have not reached menopause nor am I pregnant, nor am I on any medication, so these potential factors are ruled out.

What are the factors that are still within sight?

1. My kids are growing and I surely have to adjust my attitude towards them. I have new tasks around them. My younger one has started school this September and my older one is getting into the much-dreaded pre-teenager period. I was a horrible teenager. I did NOT make any mistakes like drugs and fake friends and early stupid sex, but I was a pain in the ass to my mother. I'm afraid I am to expect the same. Or something similar.

2. Our house is under reconstruction. We do the jobs, literally, with our hands. Now it has reached a phase when my help comes much more into the picture. I have to help more in building and renovating, which is all right at one hand. We'll have a nice house. But you know, I was never that help offering person. I have to learn to give more. Of my time, of my energy. Now, if you asked my husband, he would surely mention all the things I have already done around the house. But now I think I must, like double my efforts.

3. I have been writing poems and short stories. I still have to learn so many things in this field. The writing contests, be them small or somewhat bigger, and also your valuable, constructive comments are extremely helpful in developing my skills. But also, I have to learn to nurture my well of inspiration. The question of 'why am I doing it' is always up front. I have to learn to accept that some of my writing are yes, they are good, while some others are, well, not so much. I have to learn that good and bad comes together.

4. I have started reading a book called Women Who Run with the Wolves by C. P. Estés. It is lent to me by a friend, who knows I'm open to almost any esoteric pathways and solutions. This book is a guidebook to women to help them to get familiar with their feminine side, instincts, how to use them and so on. I'm at page 43, so I can't tell you more. Feminity has always been a difficult issue for me. I'm NOT deviated sexually, physically from the average, but I have/had some issues. Some of you might recall my entries about kinesiology sessions I took part around the turn of 2006/2007. I keep on reading this book seeing where it will take me.

5. Sometimes I just feel plain tired. The number of husband and wife special occassions (I refer here to evenings in a theater, at a classical music concert, hiking in the mountain) has been apprioaching zero recently. Well, in recent years. We are each other's best friend and can debate any, yes, ANY issue ranging from his uhm...interesting dreams through his boss's new habits through school issues, through my participating in a writing contests to religion, to politics and all. I blame it on the house. I love this house and I love that it's all ours, NO BANK credit involved. But....

6. There are messages about a serious economical breakdown in Hungary. It is supposed to come early next year. It might mean that there will be no electricity and shops, to name the two most important things. My husband hears forecasts not unlike to the vision displayed in the Mad Max series. This, combined with the forecats about a total world control, with minor details such as the verichip and Nais for animals in the USA, totally freak me out. Am I a freak to feel frightened? I just can not put my head into sand, pretending it's quite all right. What is the world heading to? What am I to do? Do something that will be remembered, risking my family - not really my style...or is it? Do more appropriate things to save myself and my beloved? Like keeping more chicken, having more veggies of our own, learning sewing clothes and all? Preparing for Mad Hungary and Mad World? Will it really come? Have I gone mad? OR have the world gone blind?

Now, as my bedtime story is over, pull up the blankets my dear and have a good night. Sleep tight. Or you may also opt for reading the poem I wrote on 21 Nov.

UPDATE. You are so kind and honest with me with your comments. I'm still taking a rest, but will be back soon - I already have plans! :)

Here's Mad World by Gary Jules. I don't know much about the singer, but his simple devotion and humble performance gets my admiration. The song is a bit monotonous, and for some, can feel boring, too, but now it's just matches my mood.

Cry

I walked up the attic

gathered the smothering and abortive refuse

in one big sack waved into the filaments of my heart

I took them to the market

where an old beggar in shreds

took them away for drips of diamonds

I laughed and felt easy

and I cried on the way home, I mourned the loss

I will never be the same again

I will be dancing among the clouds and

clawing down into the dirt with my bare hands

until they bleed

until my nails break

embracing the elves within

knowing this one will be me,

stepping out and standing proud -

myself

myself

a small break

Dear all,
A small break is needed.
I will be visiting your sites all the same.
---
In other news, I'm stuck.
It's time again to break some of my own barriers. Only yet again, I don't know which those are.

I do wish to stand out, but just as much to 'blend in', to accommodate. To be able to live a governable, reliable life. Am I getting old? At the same time I want to get old, too.

Where am I going?

Besides going up and up again, where do I go?

What tasks do I miss performing while perfecting at others?

---

Can you hear my wings whirring? I'm off.