Never say never

I usually am not a fan of technology. 

But every now and then I acknowledge and/or adore the gadgets of our times.

Recently I am feeling down.

I may find (some of) the reasons behind this stage of depression, but these background issues are not what this post is about.

In this depressed mood, I, by some inspiration, have started to read through some of my old posts here.

And voila', I found that these feelings are not unique in the way that I have already had them back in some 7 years ago.

The state now I am in is not unprecedented.

(in a sense that) I do not have some new, really horrific and incurable mental condition.

I am feeling awful, but it is not anything new.

Actually, this finding is a relief.

Somehow.

In a kind of perverted way, I must admit.

Be blessed!


 

point of return

I would fly up, to the clouds and sit on their edges and look at people talk, move and love like ants.
Then I would dive down to run with wolves, kiss the tree and fear a beetle tramping above my dungeon in the ground.
Oh, youth.
But times these days... times are a changing.
The level of the bed stays the same.
With comforting walls around.
Torn.

With the flu I rose to the ceiling, and watched and waited for this to pass.
I was ready to meet the point of no return, if it was not for your arms.
But you were there and so I am here.
For being torn between worlds.
Times are a changing.
For whatever.
 

 

A lazy day

I finished the first version of the article.

I wrote 21,000 characters (space not incluled) on brooding hens, egg selection and chicken hygienics.

I have to shorten it, or make two articles out of it, but still hey, I am ready!

Yay for me.

On the evening there will be a 'Talent Show' at my kids' high school.

My kids avoid school when possible, but I volunteered to take part in the mixed choir for one song.

Yay for us.

It is a short song by Banchieri, for 5 voices (soprano, mezzo, alto, tenor and bass).

The text is translated to Hungarian. Basically it is a happy song that encougares the guests to stop watching the show and doing idle things. It calls for a washing of the hands and occupy the table that is set for dinner.

Actually, ours is the last song at the end of the 90 minute show.

We perform it right before the dinner is served.

Yay for the guests (parents and teachers).

And later on, to finish off the day, we are going to a party to friends to play board games.

I guess this is one of my best winter days like ever.

If only I did not have the flu.

On chicken and articles

Here's some of the music I used to listen to when I was younger, youngish, young.

  

We ran 11 times in January, but then I got sick and the antibiotics I took caused me a pain in my joints. I had to refrain from any unnecessary movement.

Now it's February and I am working on an article.

I wish I did, but I keep doing other things.

Oh, the disadvantage of working from home...

I clean and heat the house, chop firewood, grind seeds manually for the chicken, clean their house, and practically do almost anything to avoid writing the article.

Will I ever grow up?

:)

Resolutions, anyone?

I can't recall the last time I made new year resolutions.

I have a journal, and in that I set plans for every month, and for every year. At the end of each month I check all entries, tick plans that I accomplished. More often than not, failures are explained in a few words, too.

I'll give you a glimpse of this journal:

Here are my plans for January 2015 for example... Write 6 articles on the field of agriculture (ordered by magazines). Careful excercise (I have to mind my joints). Maybe some jogging. Write a short story for a competition. More sleep. More reading.

See? Nothing exotic, out~of~my league, but nothing really mundane either.

Although on a second thought... that short story might not get written. That is a bit too much for me. The competition is historically themed and therefore is beyond my comfort zone, but miracles do happen.

But I digress.

I noticed a tendency.

Our cells are said to get totally renewed in every 7 years. It does not mean however, that you are a completely new person in every 7 years, as the transition takes place over the minute, not in one single transformation.

But I do see a pattern.

About 6 to 8 years ago, or was it 9 years ago, when I started this blog, I had to claim my intuitive self.

Until like 6 to 8 years ago, I was rather a woman of principles and ruts.

With this blog I took part in a process that some might label as unleashing, opening new horizons, getting involved in the unconscious.

Now I feel I had my part, and I should be getting more organized to move forward. I need more to be more concious of what I do.

I am not letting this blog go, and I keep writing non fiction as a hobby, too.

But I see the need to pay more attention to how I behave as a mother/wife, how do I work for my payroll, what I read, how much I sleep, how do I choose my daily fitness routine and so on.

I want to reclaim some of my former self while kind of keeping the 'new', intuitive one.

Any similar or opposite observations?
This post is updated by adding a video down below. I used to listen to kd lang a lot back a couple of years ago. My taste in music has changed, but I leave it here as a reminder of the past.

Anger management UPDATED

Last night I had a dream in which I had the chance to verbalize things. In real life, there is this person, who used to be an important part of my life. In fact he never stopped being a person of high importance for me...

And I guess I am (was) as important to him, too.

He did hurt me at times, and he did it so nonchalantly that I have the good faith that he did not even notice how much pain his words had caused me.

I never told him about these scars he caused.

I kept on smiling.

And loving.

Oh, the fool one.

Now, in the dream, he hurt me again.

And now I objected.

The first time ever I stood up for myself and somewhat kindly tried to make him understand that he was actually hurting me now and back in times as well.

In the dream we did not get to the part when he had the chance to react to my words. I woke up. And I woke up with the intention of organizing a meeting.

We have unfinished business, and now I am ready to finish it.

And here comes the update part: 
When in first draft, this post was much longer. It contained bits of information that are irrelevant. The message is that I am ready to smooth bumps of the past out. Yay for me.
And although I did say 'unfinished business' and did intentionally chose a photo# from this particular movie, there is no violence within me :)
Be well, cheers,
Your tree. 

#do you still see the photo?
It is a photo of the ending scene from Kill Bill, just after Beatrix killed his former mentor. The man is still alive, but is standing and is about to say goodbye.

9 years, 9 lives?

This August this blog had its 9th anniversary and I have not celebrated it.

This is the 9th way of blogging: you have a blog and you think about it dearly, like a child, a love that was yours once, but it is a bit far away from your real life actitivites now. Lost, yet close still.

There is still at least one reader, and I would like to thank for her perseverance :)

Thank you all who bore with me these times.

I will not quit blogging, this is not a good bye.

there

(the concept is that you the reader should put 'there' in front of each paragraph)

- doesn't seem to be any reader to this blog, but I will continue posting anyway. Some of my old readers might drop in at any time and I don't want to bore them with the same old posts... And also, I will post whenever I have anything to say :)

- in the capital of the Czech Republic I found that particular church that helped me a lot back in 1987. This photo was taken at the Old Town's Astronomic clock, it is quite a feature of the city.

- I was again, sitting on a bench, contemplating the inside of the building, the rich pictures and baroque statues and all, and I was asking myself how was that transformation at all possible. How it started, what was the trigger, was I already in a transition, how did God or anything holy reached out to me back then.

- back in 1987 I felt that I was personally spoken to.

- I sat when a bunch of tourists flooded the church with cameras, they tried to be quiet, but when 20+ people tries to speak at the same time silence just doesn't happen, and they were soon treading practically everywhere just like a swarm of wasps.

- went the inspiration, the spiritual awareness into thin air - or so I thought, but I was mistaken again.

- I heard 'it's not in the building and you know it. it's within you, right there, within you. now be gone and be happy' and out I burst, not even noticing any of the bunch of the noisy invaders anymore.

- I practically walked with my feet a couple of inches off the ground for some considerable time.

- is something in that church, isn't it a bit of a paradoxon?

Prague

here I come!

Our choir is attending an international musical festival between 17 and 20 July.

Prague, capital of the Chech Republic is about 8-10 hours' drive from the town I live.

It will be the second time I visit this city and the memories of my last (and first-ever) visit are now coming back to me.

I was 17, bordering 18, the same age my son is now, when I spent 3-4 days, 4-5 nights there with my girlfriend, now a mother of 4, living in NY state, USA. She was my best girlfriend of the highschool years, one of the few.

We set on a plane, and it was first-ever plane flight at 17, bordering 18, you know, Hungary is small, the only other occassion I had been up off the ground was a helicopter ride above my hometown I enjoyed when I was about 15.

So there we were, young ladies with a supportive family background to explore a bit of the world, to explore it on our own way.

Memories....

I started the journey as a die-hard atheist and I guess you guess the ending to that part of the story.

Ahem.

Before the journey I was contemplating ways of quickly removing myself from the depressive state of being alive. I did not jump nor did I swallow any poison or anything like that, but.... I went to Prague instead :) And although I was still wondering of ways of killing myself in any (actually: in almost all) of those poetic locations, I surely did not.

That would have been quite a stress on my dearest girlfriend, now I come to think about it.

What a heck of a selfish person I was back then....

-

Now, after a bumpy ride of 5 university years and 20 years of marriage (not less bumpy), and many other events later, Prague, here I come again.

Aspen

European aspen (Populus tremula) is blooming these days, actually for weeks here in Hungary. The male flower has a cotton-like flying soft structure that triggers an allergic reaction. I am surprised because this is the first time my reaction is so obvious.

I know I am allergic to ragweed (Ambrosia artemisiifolia), and I have been living with it in the past 15-20 years. Luckily for me, my symptoms have been reduced to a bearable level by eating bits of the fresh plant before and during the season.

This aspen allergy is kind of new - although when I come to think of it, ithas been getting worse over the past couple of years.

Now it reached a level where my eyes are swollen and when outdoors, I keep sneezing and my nose keeps running.

So, here's the story - I visited a therapist who is both specialist in mental therapy and applied kinesiology.

She pointed out that the Latin (and the Hungarian) name of the plant refers to a specific behaviour of aspen: that is, trembling, fluttering, wiggling, vibrating upon the slightest wind. Aspen represents my state - the way I react to my environment. I have a tendency to overreact, and a tendency to react to anything I reckon whether it is my duty or not. I want to have control over things I know I have not and the non-controlling, the continous failure to control and the continous income flow of impulses makes me nervous and exhausted.

This is the reason behind my allergy.

We elaborated on this topic a bit.

I have to learn to let things remain uncontrolled, especially if said events are none of my business, or of lesser importance. I have to focus and stay calm. Or so are the first steps of the healing process.

 

State of mind and recollection

Dear reader,

if any, after all these weeks and months without any activity in blogland.

I have not written much, or much interesting in the last couple of months (years?) and have neglected by blogging fellows, too.

This is not to apologize - this is to recollect all the things that happened along the time in a nutshell: we are ok, nothing seriously good or bad happened.

-

I keep writing articles to three monthly magazines. Two of them requires an article each month and the third is always subject to the topic, which means that I write 12+12+about 8-10 articles a year.

I keep gardening and raising chicken for our family's need. This year I invented a small amount in buying 15 individuals of 7-day old Australorp chicken to introduce a double-purpose line to our collection.

I wrote two short stories, but more on that on my other blog. Please find yourself kindly invited to read over there about my successes and failures on the writing front.

The kids kind of hate their highschool and their attitude is kind of an issue within the family these days. Fortunately they don't to any drugs/alcohol and we don't have any of those really heavy problems, but we are a bit worried.

My husband and I are well together. Things that caused trouble in the past couple of years have either disappeared or been discussed and sorted out on mutual agreement. There is love and that is what matters.

 -

At this point I can't tell whether I will keep on blogging or not.

I wish to be more withdrawn, I have not used my email in the last couple of weeks, but I am still on face_book. Being there sometimes is amusing and inspiring, I do have partners to chat with, but most of the time it is frustrating and annoying.

I miss blogging when it meant that I analyzed events and emotions around me. Blogging did help me at times -

Reading objectives for January

I am planning to finish Irving Stone's The Agony and the Ecstasy this month. It is a shame, but I have been reading for months - I am so not telling for how many months.

I like the book and Michelangelo's character a lot, and I guess it's only the language and the intensity of the writing that makes it difficult to read.

Kudos to Mr. Stone for his is a wonderfully woven, thick material :)

I also plan to finish a small Agatha Christie piece called No. 16. I got that for Christmas.

That book really disappointed me.

If books were scored from one to ten, with ten points given to the best ones (such as the seemingly flawless impresson about the Italian renessaince), the crime novel would receive only 2 (or 3 in a better mood - and only because I am a fan of Ms. Christie.

It is so shallow and meaningless that I wonder what made Dame Agatha write such a bad book at all. The usual suspence and wit which I admire in her Miss Marple stories is also lacking here.

44

It's been that long and I am getting tired.

Or it is just that the sunless, foggy days wear me out.

I keep making lists of things I have not done, or have done wrongly, done instead of something more reasonable, or the opposite, more while listening to my intuition.

I am almost 100 % sure that making such lists is not the best one can ever do. One should rather focus on the positive events, on the happy achievements, on the appreciatiations, the positive feedback one gets from here and there.

I know, I know.

But anyway, it's my birthday and I allow myself to spoil it as much as I like.

on the virtual online course

it is now the fifth week of the course.

weekly lectures are published in chapters each Friday.

I watched the first chapter on the next week, and had to miss weeks 2, 3, and 4. now I am catching up and watch these chapters 2, 3 and 4 (three weeks) in a row.

unfortunately, the material so far has not been as satisfying as I expected.

for one, the course focuses on online storytelling (tv serials, webisodes), which is definitely not an area for me. and also, the theoretical 

material they are sharing is far from being really on-the-spot. it's more like an introduction to something. a feed for discussion, maybe.

and here comes my part ... there is an ongoing debate, in a forum style, which, honest, I do not follow. it is simply impossible to read all that stuff that people all around the world contribute.

one might pick a topic randomly and read a couple of comments, but the vast amount of written material repels me.

there is no guarantee that that particular thread I read is of importance for me. and my clock is ticking.

so, this course so far is a kind of a disappointment.

I'm still in, have not unenrolled, but I have doubts about the use of it.

an online writers' course and other things

The link is here.
I thought I'd give it a try.
More on that later on.
-

Right now I am polishing a 10+ page scientific paper I have translated to English. Some of the most frequent words reveal my state of mind these days: farm regulation, inheritance law, turnover, material resources, measures. Had enough I guess. I, too :) - please tell me it's not 'me, too' here, right?

-

About the photos:

They were made in Poland, where we had a nice performance with the choir.

(more photos may come on request)

Keep well,

SzF.

National Holiday

At the first evening of the 1956 revolution, usual radio broadcasting was made impossible by street fights.

Before the national radio station was moved to the building of the Parliament, journalists grabbed a few vinyl records in a hurry and later on, played them during the days of the revolution.
This record, Beethoven's s Egmont overture got played so often that it is connected to the Revolution. For many magyars who think about 1956, this is the music that pops right to the mind.

This to remember the heroes of '56.

return to poetry, now official :)

I am attending a 10 week poetry course that started this Friday (27 Sept).
It is organized by the writers' group and the leader is a young poet who comes to the classes from the capital.
What does this mean?
I've been experiencing some shift and being-out-of-place lately when visiting online sites, fb included, of writers of various genres. I felt I was the odd one out because everyone seemed to have focused on writing, and by that I mean writing every day, some no matter what, and some in genres that make the hair rise on my back. Don't get me wrong: it is a-okay to focus on writing while you are a writer.
I think I've just figured out that I was just not a writer. May never be, and this feeling is kind of liberating.
I am someone who writes, but writing is not my everyday profession. Writing helps me and I'd like to help/entertain/educate others, raise consciousness whatever, but I am no tradesman.
I am Dario Naharis, if you like, I write when my Muse tells me so, and while I love, love polishing my style and gathering technical tips for writing, there is life and unless the not composing of a writing makes me feel uncomfortable, I do not compose anything, thank you Gustav Holst.
So I feel the pressure on me is lifted and I am free again.
And what will I do with this new-found freedom?
I will write, you guessed it right.

my whereabouts, whenabouts and ifabouts, oh, geez

Now, as I am working on this translation about nematodes, on pine wilt nematode to be more specific, I came across this grammar problem and some of you might share a thought or two about it.

-

While I was searching (and finding) some neat advice on the use of that/which for restrictive/nonrestrictive clauses**, I came across the problem of 'where'.

As my English develops (that is: revives and collapses and the loop starts all over again...) during the years I noticed myself using the word 'where' more, than ever.

Now I found on a website that using 'where' is more informal, and when the audience expects you to be more academic, or formal, you should use 'which'.

So I'm going through my translation text and check whether my style suits the needs of a PhD thesis.

-

Take this sentence for example (uhm, this is a direct copy from the thesis, please do not use it for your purposes, I'm sorry, it is ridiculous, but still...)

'However, where pure-bred nematodes are maintained on a PDA medium, the method of the lysis procedure is not crucial.' This is how I translated the Hungarian sentence. But now I feel I should change 'where' to 'when', or 'if', or with a different structure, to 'which'.

I am almost done with the text, it's 20 pages with references and all, and once I'm finished, I'm giving the whole document a style checkup.

I just peeked into it here and there and was surprised by the amount of 'where's. I am in awe. Or shock :)

-

Is it something informal, or modern, or is it just floppy writing?

Were those 'were's correct was it an informal text, like a diary, or something?

Should I change them all?

-

-

-

**

This is something a non-native speaker, like I do not necessarily embrace naturally. We have to learn it. And I admit sometimes I make the strangest mistakes. I was well into all sorts of Times and Sequence of Times and whatnot, but still was unable to manage the interrogative form of Simple Past. There you have it :(

But I digress.

ahem. great. actually, i am satisfied with the result.

Your result for The Game of Thrones Character Test...

Brienne of Tarth

43 Hardworking, 47 Brave, 52 Loyal

Completely absent of schemes and vanity, you are Brienne of Tarth--the most loyal person around.  Once you swear a vow, you stick by it no matter what happens.  You don't preoccupy yourself with silly, material things, and you work hard to get what you want, instead of using personal connections to get ahead.

YOUR ANALYSIS (Vertical line = Average)

• 
  You scored 25% on Extroversion, higher than 29% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 28% on Anger, higher than 53% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 8% on Sexuality, higher than 9% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 43% on Hardworking, higher than 59% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 47% on Bravery, higher than 60% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 52% on Loyalty, higher than 70% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 55% on Violence, higher than 64% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 30% on Pride, higher than 53% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 0% on Debauchery, higher than 12% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 7% on Vanity, higher than 5% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 42% on Kindness, higher than 49% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 49% on Morality, higher than 43% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 13% on Scheming, higher than 32% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 41% on Insanity, higher than 79% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 68% on Intelligence, higher than 96% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 54% on Stoicism, higher than 96% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 8% on Humor, higher than 13% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 41% on Family-Orientedness, higher than 46% of your peers.

Take The Game of Thrones Character Test at HelloQuizzy

25 years

we are having the 25 year high school graduation reunion this year.

yes, it's been that long.

there are two meetings, one tomorrow at the capital of Hungary, and on the 24 August at the city of the alma mater, hometown for me, and for most of the members of the class of 1988.

-

at this point of one's life there are still a lot of paths available, but not as much as there were 25 years ago. the path is narrowing.

one might feel a tightening, a squeeze of possibilities, a terrible loss of all the could-have-beens...

but also, one might feel the strength coming from the realization that no more bullshit is allowed. this is it, and this is as good as it gets.

and also, for the lucky ones, there is a strong support of all the things achieved by one so far, all the validation of one's existence.

-

as for me, i am torn somewhere in the middle.

one day i will be able to write about all the things i did not do, and all the things i still miss of not having done.

and one day i should be grateful for all the other things i have.

wait, i am not that nasty - i am grateful for lots of what i have today. and i mean relationships, persons and positions. i am grateful.

yet...

i think for one time of the year, for this one reunion day, one is allowed to weep over the loss.

to be able to elaborate and evaluate the so-called loss...

for if i had the things i do not have now, then i would not have all the things i acknowledge today.

and for this one reunion day, one is allowed to shed some tears for the dreams torn.

-

there were 38 of us.

now there are only 37, for one man, still not much more, than a boy at the time of his death, was drowning in the sea near India.

-

it appears that there will be only two of us tomorrow in Budapest.

the woman who's coming is one of my best buddies of the old days. i am looking forward to meeting her :)

It's been a long time since our last mail.

You know, things have changed since we last talked.

Nothing is ever the same again.

All the issues we have been informing each other about, helping, too, in a way, have changed by now.

It is we that remain the same.

I keep on appreciating and admiring your kind spirit, energy and fantasy dedicated not only to writing projects, but to family and friends.

You keep on being the same lovable, playful, caring, strong-willed, witful yet remarkably reserved and fragile person ....

now and for ever now

- or at least, this is how I capture you in my heart.

I think we will meet again.

Not very soon, I assume, but the world needs you.

And since you can't resist the call to help, to make laugh, to educate, to care about you will return.

It was your call and it still is.