farewell for a few days

Dear friends, I'm going away to Turin (Torino), Italy, for the Terra Madre event.

I will be back on 31 October... Until that, I present you this:

state police vs people

Political, again.

I don't know what to say. I was not there on the streets last night, but I feel I should have been. The 50th anniversary of the 1956 revolution - what an inspiration and what a coincidence (ok, you all must be knowing by know that I do not believe in coincidence :))

People have been protesting on the streets since mid September, when the man who gained his position by deceit in 2002 admitted that he and his fellow bastards have been lying in the morning, at noon and in the evening ever since...

The problem is 1.) he is not the only one who is doing wrong to the country and to the nation - his removal would not solve anything. 2.) More than half of the people of my country are either too lazy to care, or still believe that these bunch of assholes are suitable for governing a country.

This last evening, people were gathering to celebrate the 50th anniversary. These people did not go to the official celebrations, because they refused to share grounds with those whose or whose ancestors were (literally or actually) on the other side of the barricades 50 years ago.

People were gathering peacefully and then came the police with water guns, cavalry and rubber guns (I don't know how its called: it's a gun that shoots plastic things).

I had the chance to watch the tv and I watched the official* and the national* tv as well.

(by official I mean the media that pictures those events and in the manner that is suitable, acceptable and advised by the G'ment) and by national I mean the media that shows what is going on in reality. I'm with the latter - should any of you have any doubts about my political whereabouts.... heh?)

So the official media spoke about the police having to make this and that road clean. (As if those people, among whom could have easily been me, were some nasty insects or mud, or something equally dirty.) The national media displayed that the people are going wherever the police allows them to go.)

Foreign tourists and onlookers were also harmed. The police has gone out of control and have gotten way to much under control, by the present G'ment.

Don't believe to the general, official media. Its all in their hands.

If you want to see the real events, go here, although every video speaks Hungarian. This is a page where you can choose among videos that depict the events of the day and night.

Part of me would like to go out and scream against the regime, to make people wake up and scream, too. To shatter the bondage of lies, to make people aware of what's going on. Part of me would like to sit by the kids at home and watch other people do this for themselves, for us, for the nation.

Amsterdam - as seen by me

while watching my photos made on 28 October you might want to listen to the music I re-embrace these days:

Imagine you wake up one sunny day, your eyes open only to find that you are not at home. You look around to find out where have you been placed.

You see bikes. Lots of. Parking lots designed for bikes only. For lots of bikes... Started to getting it?

Yes, the city of bicycles.

And you discover that oddly enough, in the center of the city, the ratio of water goes well over the percentage of pavement... oh, the city of canals...

Whoa! Here, you might run into a drunken and or stoned funky man with Jamaican and or African origin who is so crazy about inviting you to somewhere you are not really intended to enter... Also, you might feel strange that you don't really get coffee in the coffee-shops. Or what you get there is not really coffee. See figure below to find out what is that I have NOT bought here... Oh, the city of soft drugs... liberals...

But for most of all, it is the city where non-paralell lines do not meet in the near. Oh, for the love of verticals and horizontals - and the complete lack of it! So, I guess you know where your are. Yes, it's Amsterdam.
There. Enjoy!

And here is my favourite one:

Dear all, my PC is in its ruins. I have been working on this single post for two days. Slow work interrupted by moments and hours of frustration. Ain't no suitable anymore. So the verdict is a friendly meeting between my computer and an IT expert.

But anyhow, I will be away between 26 and 30 October. I'm visiting this event!

I might post until I leave to Turin (Torino) Italy next Wednesday - and I might not. God bless you all!

Bennekom

I think you have all seen Amsterdam - this way or another. Saz told me that it was one of her favourite cities for example. I will post some photos of the Dutch capital, I promise, but before I do that, let me present you with some photos I made in the city where we lived during those days. This city is called Bennekom and is located in the 50-100 km vicinity of Utrecht and Amsterdam at the South East of The Netherlands.

So.

These are my legs. I am lying on the bed. Please note the toy goat (aka the Capricorn) at the end of the bed and the poster, which is not quite visible, is a Chinese map of 2005, which was the year of the Rooster (which, besides the Capricorn, is also my sign). I saw these two signs and took them as signs. Signs showing that this place will be good for me.

This is one of the good foods our hosts provided us with. We usually had breakfast and dinner with the host family and spent the rest of the day doing other programmes. More photos of that will be coming soon, but this post is dedicated to Bennekom only. A neat suburbian Dutch city that is.

Now look at this.

Can you spot the old man?

There was a time when trams crossed the streets of Bennekom. At some stops, bronze statues of people were placed. Did they do it to symbolize the waiting or just to put some art into the everyday life of the everyday people of an average small town? Or all these? Anyhow, the idea was good. The statues are good, too. The tram service, the rails have long been gone, the statues all remained. The statues remember and they also remind people for the waiting, for something that has gone away. I like these statues.

And finally, this is something typically suburbian Dutch in my dictionary: clean streets, not very large houses. Note, how some of the trees are adjusted to certain shapes to fit for the small space between houses. All kinds of vegetation is well managed, properly kept - a bit too well for my standards.

you don't have to be a kid to enjoy this...

did you did that, too, and enjoyed it, too, when you were a kid?

pop bubble wrap

the thing is that as with many other virtual substitutions, it only imitates but never really substitutes the real fun.

Two weekends

Here I interrupt my flow of pictures I made in Germany and The Netherlands to share you something else....

PHOTOS!!!

Vine harvest is a traditional activity at this time of the year in Hungary. We have those famous hills where fabulous wines are produced. On October 7-8 I helped a friend of mine by spending a whole day picking up ripe fruits. This is what I saw when I got up in the morning:

This hill is called Badacsony (Buh-duh-tsou-n*) say n* like the second n in the Spanish Nin*o.

We worked in pairs, cutting off the fruits off the vine on both sides of the line. There were quite a lot of lines and there were quite a lot of people, too. Me and my partner-in-work turned out the be the quickest pair in the day. Wow. I'm not surprised that we were better than some of those friends who came from Budapest - them, being poor budapesters, sitting all day in an office... But we were better than those native women who were hired for the occassion and who have been doing agricultural jobs all their lives. We were so proud of ourselves.

The next photo shows one of the presses after the work. The fruits are put into the press and all liquid is squeezed out.

and finally, this is me, running uphill at the end of the day. We had a small walk in the neighborhood.

So, this was the past weekend.

But this weekend (Oct 14-15) was not considered uneventful, either, as on Saturday we had a one-day hike to the Pilis and on Sunday we had a one-day work at home, when, with the help of friends we managed to put up as much as more than 3,000 tiles to the attic of the new house. This time Blogger does not allow me upload more photos.... I'm sorry.

Köln aka Cologne

I promised Dutch impressions, only to realize later that some of the photos I made in Köln, Germany are worth sharing. This first one goes out to Kieran, who has a special feeling towards those street performers. This one was dressed up to of what the neareast desrictiption might be a jester, with all those masks attached to his body. He was moving most of the time however, as people kept coming to make a photograph with him. Here below is one of the tourists who felt like this was an inevitable occassion to get captured with a jester.

Behind the grey jester and the Japanese girl, there is a second performer standing, dressed up as a .... gentleman? a hofmeister?...any other guesses? I don't know. I think he was more talented than our jester in the front, but he was much less respected by the onlookers. So he just stood there motionless while the grey-man kept moving and posing for photographs.

The Köln Dome however, did not leave me unimpressed, so I made obvious photos like this:

But the thing about the Dome that made me like it at the instance was this little piece of creation, a door-handle if you please:

It's so very precious, isn't it?

And finally, here's something disappointing I saw. Look how mankind has abandoned Nature. Collecting autumn leaves while strolling in a park or in a forest....we all used to to this in our childhood, didn't we? Now, our modern world leaves no time and space for us to go out of the city. If you need a feeling of autumn, get it here, spend your money here - cause it's all for sale.

Dutch impressions

coming soon!

I have to finish a report on what I saw there - so, while I am busy writing those pages, keep in mind to return for lots of photos!

this day

my hands give me away. I am nervous. Tears, those frequent warm and wet visitors channelling down the strange face I call mine in the mirror reveal that I am emotionally involved. Which means that I am not ready. The faces of people in the streets all hide miseries. I see them holding back tears, supressing anger and giving in behind masks. All those offprint faces I meet are but punches in the soul, nails knocked down...

If you catch a butterfly don't grab it hard. Be sure not to touch its wings - or if you have to, do it with extreme care. If you hold the wings hard or excercise pressure on them, than those lovely, glistening powder particles fall off. One by one the butterfly is deprived of its mean of flying. If most of that powder comes off the butterfly, being unable to fly anymore, dies soon.

I'm riding a cloud. It takes me far up where no harm reaches me. I am safe.The world as I see from above is a mosaic of busy movements. It is all so peaceful, watching life going by. For hours after hours I look at how the Sun changes its colour on all those things below. Noone touches or hurts me anymore.

I will be away for the weekend, my friends. Will be back soon. Photos by Szabolcs again :)

something I wrote two weeks ago

I am drifting away like a feather on the wings of air. I feel like a bubble floating around.

Not touching, not changing anything I let things happen. Whatever might come I endure. Nothing reaches me for I am there for the end of times

---

There are times when I'd like to send away the boat and the soul who's rowing it. Impatience grows within to let go hold of all that's around me - but being impatient bounces me back to the boat and I start pulling the oars again. If only I could learn how to discharge all that's palpable. I have been waiting for the call but now I feel it won't come until I obtain patience not to wait for it. Dispassion to accept that the calling will not come upon my want. Until that calling - I take delight in watching the full yellow of sunshine on the autumn leaves against the turqouise sky, inhaling the scent of mushrooms.... Enjoying me being me... Does it sound so idle and self-posessed?

Me and you

Dear all, I'm back.

I'm thinking of opening another page for the pictures I made during the journey. Some of them are funny, some of them are interesting. The whole thing was quite a fun. I'm glad I went abroad, partly because I could return home this way. If you never go away you can never return, can you?

My things have changed a bit: I think I will have less time for blogging than before. This, no matter how much I regret it, will probably do good for me. I think I should lay off escaping and get more involved in real life. Friendships I made however, are of HIGH value for me and they always will be. I will not forget those people I met, partly b/c I keep visiting their sites from time to time and partly b/c I stick to blogging. The only difference will be the amount of time spent in front of my PC. I should do this, for my own interest.

Let see what the future brings. I like blogging and I like you out there, too. This means I will not disappear.

And I would like to encourage you also, to keep coming and commenting.

For you: Where this photo was taken? I know, I know. Much too easy.

before I go

I am thankful for my readers for tolerating my political rants, as this blog was not meant to be a political one. Yet I am not begging for mercy, all I'm doing is asking for a little bit of understanding. And I had that allright. Thank you for all your supportive comments.

The blog might be apolitical but the writer is not. I am dedicated - only my political side had no chance to get revealed here in these pages. Now the time is here, and I did what I had to. I expressed myself.

Now, according to some unfortunate speculations, the demonstrations will not have any prompt and appropriate result. Everything will be the same. Which drives me kinda mad. We don't have enough power and the mass of the population...blah...let's not talk about them. Partly it's money talks, ignorance and misunderstanding. And its sad.

Before I go for a short trip to the Netherlands, I present you with photos that were made by a special friend of mine. He was one of my classmates back in highschool. Thanks for Szabolcs for the photos.

I might or might not be able to write a proper farewell entry. I am leaving on 26 September and will be back on 1 October. What is a proper farewell entry, anyway?

I'm packing, no I'm writing a list of things I should pack, yeah, that's it. I will be away for only 4,5 days and 5 nights and my dh is planning to have a farewell evening today. I don't know why there should be one. Or... I might just be in need of one. Let's take whatever happens.

I am happy to be away for a couple of days. To get of out of the treadmill. We go up north, see Cologne on the way and see Amsterdam, too. Our final destionation is Wageningen, where I will represent the company I used to work for in the past 3 years, and which is no longer my company. It feels a bit strange. I was in Amsterdam back in 1995, when my husband was having a 5-week scholarhip at the Wageningen University. I visited him there and had lots of fun. We rent bikes and discovered Wageningen and Utrect and the general vicinity. It was fun then. Will it be fun this time, too?

again, this is political

This day my husband took our kids and a friend and her two kids and headed off for a peaceful demonstration to Budapest. This time there were families protesting against the present government. Speakers followed each other, and all people wore white t-shirts or blouses. This white is to symbolize the purity of mind and speach, as compared to the PM's calling the country a whore. (This is something no moral person can ever digest. )

So, we took the kids partly because we wanted to show them that a protest does not necessarily involves vandalism as they see on tv, as the media is not always showing the real events. We took the kids to teach them what a peaceful demonstration is about. To give them some political education, so as to say. That they have the right to go peacefully on the streets as that is what people do these days.

What CNN shows is just a tip of the iceberg. Where 20,000 angry people gather, there will always be ones that are more aggressive and less intelligent than the others.

I've heard that some 100 people broke into the building of the state television and also, that they were an organized group of people, acting on behalf of someone. This someone was active politician during the past era. This fact was revealed by an independent media, called Echo Tv. Now this media was stopped, rendered silent, dismissed, wiped away, whatever.

I am sorry to inform you about these events.

These people on the streets are writing history. Or I hope that they are. My heart is with them.

this something lurks around here..'ve been listening to too some good music... a singing oak to name but one, and finally lots of Metallica, my one-time favourite band.

I feel like I'm rowing in a boat that floats on an endless ocean. The water is peaceful, there's no real wind around. The wawes are smooth.

The weather is pleasant, too.

The Sun is up and I can see far away.

Problems start here as I can see nothing besides the horizon.

No boats, no land near in sight.

I row to a direction only to find another amount of infinite water. Water and horizon. No land. Nowhere to rest the boat. Nowhere a forest to wonder into. Nowhere a tree to hug.

I am tired. And I feel like I'm hugging a huge chunk of ice instead.

I'm not afraid of sharks. Neither does hunger or thirst threatens me.

It is the loneliness that makes me shudder.

The lack of a port to sail to.

going political

Besides going to a cat show on Sunday, this last weekend was highlighted by those fantastic 4 hours we had at the Railway History Park in Budapest.

I really don't have much time writing, thinking or meditating these days. It is partly because my son is at home for most of the time as he is home-schooled, partly because I am busy with organizing meetings between various teachers, phychologists and our family including and not restricted to our son, and partly because I am preparing myself for a journey to the Netherlands, which starts at 26 September, more on that later, and finally, partly I am excited about what's going on right now in the country.

I intended this blog to be free of political issues. So far, I've broken the rule only once.

I wanted to leave politics out. This time I feel I have to come out as it is in me. I realized that although my blog is apolitical I am not. I might not be familiar with the everyday issues. what I am concerned about is the greater scheme, the state, survival and well-being of our nation. I hope when people I like read what I communicate about what's going on here they might get a better idea of the picture.

I've been asked if I was ok. Yes, I am ok. I am not on the streets, but I have friends who are. I am against violence and careless ravaging. At the same time, no revolution takes place without material damage. I hope this thing develops itself into a strong, well-organized revolution.

I've read that the CNN called us, the Hungarians naive for being so upset about a politician lying. There can be some naivity, but if there was not any, the world would fall apart.

Lying? It's not really about lying. People like me, or people who are aware of what's going on behind the scenes are well aware that the Prime Minister is not much of a virtue. Neither are almost any of the members of his party...

It's not that he admitted he was lying. It's not just that.

For those who know nothing about the thing, here's a short rewiev. The PM's speach leaked to the media in which he, speaking to his colleagues, admits that they lied, they did nothing and that the unbeloved political packages he was about to introduce to the people in general are not because of the vision of an uplift in the economy, these hardly believable confinements are supposed to make up for the loss they've done by not doing anything prosperous. Now, that's something that makes people mad. Besides that, he, PM of a country, calls the country a whore and also, full of maggots.

He and his band proved yet again that they have no respect and not a little bit of affection, if not the heroic love, allright, for the country.

They have the media so everything that goes out, either at the national or at the international channels, every information is masked, distorted, or at the very least, selected.

You might have no idea what those, who find the place of their birth, the traditions of a nation important feel. We have endured many things. Including that you are condemned if you put the national flag out or sing traditional songs in events. If you believe that this nation is more than just a collective of this and that. The list would go endless. Disdain, disbelief, scorn, and rejection. At personal and academic levels alike. It was enough.

I do hope the thing that's going on goes well and goes to the highest possible extent. I do not wish to see too many hooligans out in the streets. It would take away the clarity of the case, so as to say. I hope for understanding, for the end of those bad feelings. Noone is better than the other - I want to see equality and prosperity. It won't be easy, though. It will be tough.

Might continue later. Until that, may the peace and strength of Mother Earth be with us.

Give me your opinion. What are the reflection of the street events in your country? Am I naive? Is there a solution? I suggest the present PM and his band leaving before the week ends, but that's just the impatient me....

UPDATE:

I've heard that anyone who carried the national flag was arrested during the protest.

The photo below comes from the CNN website: A policeman is beating a protester. I chose this one because my husband has a t-shirt with exactly the same words written on it. This is NOT my husband, but this person and my husband has something in common. They both have a piece of garment that states (written in old Hungarian script, not very much unlike the German runes) that the ancient land is endangered and all Hungarians should rise and be aware. And there's one difference between this man and my husband and it is the policeman behind.

on cats...

We visited a cat show on 17 September and managed to spend almost 2 hours among cages full of cats without getting bored. But to achieve this, we did have to leave before the second hour was over...

I used to have a dog and I used to take her to dog shows, so I knew what to expect here, but my kids have never been to cat or dog shows before. I enjoyed that I can explain them the activities of the judge for example. But they were most excited about the cats of course. We have a cat and our friends have too, but here there were cat-types they have never seen before. We admired the Maine Coon, especially a male that weights 9kgs at the age of 2.5 years...

(photo comes later!!!)

shuddered by the hairless ones and stayed by their cage for long minutes nonetheless...

and we loved short-nosed varieties....

and we were surprised by seeing a cat whose eyes actually sparkled....(ok, that's just the flashlight)

and played with abessine kittens until the owner told us not to disturb them...note to owners: for God's sake, don't bring them along to the show if they are disturbed!!!...

and have found out the the BIS is still our Berci, who's diet consist of some cheapish-catfood called Kitekat, corn on the cob and various birds she hunts in the garden... She will not be run over by a car, cause she looks out in the street and basically is a tough cat. I interviewed an owner of a Maine Coon cattery about the behaviour.

Me: these cats are so beautiful and strong. Are they tough, too? Do they live well outside?

Owner of cattery: Yes, my cats go into the garden, too and they like it.

Me (not really satisfied with the above answer): You know we have a mixed-breed cat and she is so careful and she's a good hunter, too. Is it possible to let Maine Coons live in the garden?

She: yes, but of course I never let my cats out into the street.

Me (sensing some kind of stupidity lurking around here): Are they safe from cars? Are they responsible enough out in the dangerous street?

She (proving my fears): No, a Maine Coon does not afraid of anything.

Me (saying a polite goodbye while having hard times holding back my laugh at such a mental challenge.)

Hello, people. A cat who's not afraid of cat is mentally retarded. Why be proud of it?

Allright.

Here's some Berci for you. She's having her summer fav, corn on the cob here.

And finally, here's a picture of a Gordon Setter called Dolly. I found her over the net as I have no digital photos of the Gs I used to have, but this Dolly somehow resembles Niki. Just to prove that I am still a dog person. I used to take her to long walks to meadows, forests, parks. She used to make small jumps during hunting and she used to roam endlessly...

off for the weekend

Dear all,

tomorrow I will continue the course I started two weeks ago. My pre-course thoughts and experiences are shared here. In fact I did not write a single line about the lesson itself... Maybe next time. I just want to gather information. It is interesting and I think I'll have to use things I learn there. This second lesson on 15 September is about communication, messages, angels and aions. We'll see. I might re-connect something higher to help me.

I am tired and now there's a huge task ahead of me. My son just does not fit into any school and I took the responsibility of teaching him and getting him to get his points so as to make it seem that he's a real student. I never thought I would speak so much about my son in my blog - but now this thing is going to take a lot of time. I might not be able to blog very often. It's not that I feel sorry for myself - but to be brutally honest, it's partly there, too. I think I will have to work harder to find more space and separate time for myself as an entity.

This weekend we are going over to a friend's house. Our plan goes as follows: Saturday: we visit the Railway Open Air Museum in Budapest, where steam engines will fight for a price. I love steam engines so very much!!! There will be some model trains, too. Saturday evening: a sort of barbecue at home. Hungarian people often grill bacon over open fire. Kids like it very much, too. I suppose eating bacon sounds disgusting to some of you... Does it so? For Sunday we are heading for a cat-show, because most of us in the company are cat lovers, too. I am a dog-person, but I like cats, too.

For evidence, here's our cat.

Berci wishes you a happy weekend!

Pronounce her name something like B-e (as the 'a' in 'fat', or 'that')-c (as 'ds' in 'kids')-i (as the 'i' in 'winter'. She is a neutered mixed bred female, and is about 7 years old. This photo was taken almost exactly a year ago.

well....

what have I been doing in these days?

Well, partly I was busy doing things around the house, getting involved in my son's school affairs, visiting friends, taking care of our hens and small chickens, making a letcho for the winter.

Wait. Do you know what a letcho is? I assume you don't. It is a food. You make like this. Sauté onions on hot oil. Add green pepper (sliced, of course). Sauté together. It's all yummy now, but the thing goes on like this: You add some sliced tomatoes as well and let the tomatoes become a mush until the whole thing looks like as if it was soaked in tomato sauce. It means that the letcho is ready. You can use it as it is, or for spicing up almost any food with it. Just adding one or two spoons of letcho to any stew makes it special. Many people put some letcho into a pan and add eggs to make scrambled eggs on top of it. The list of potential use is almost endless. Only that is is a salty food, so it never goes well with cakes, jams, fruits...But I think you've already guessed that. So, back to my activities: we made letcho for the winter, which means that we cooked like 60 litres and than put them into airtight bottles when still hot. These bottles were then put into a well insulated box. They cool off for 3-4 days. Which means that all bacteria is killed. We never use any preservatives or similar stuff. Hardly any letcho or jam goes wrong with this wonderful method. If you know this food and have an English name to offer, please do so in the comments section.

Besides making letcho, I discovered that our hen has finally has three little chickens underneath her. The chicks are darlings. See the photo here. Update: One of the little chicklets died. S/he fell into the watering dish within the hen-house and drowned. Now we have only two baby chickens.

My son has come third in his age group in a town running competition. everybody ran 2,5 kilometres. He will be 10 this December. I am proud of him. He was tired and said that he had never run this hard in his life ever before. He received a congratulation from this school's chairlady. This is one of the greatest honors in Hungarian schools.

Also, we have been informed today (13 Sept) that said son has pushed away a girl (one of his classmates) in a stairway so the girl fell and was hospitalized for her ankle. My precious son. He shows no guilt neither regret, but inside, he is troubled - we sense that. He is not an easy nut. Absolutely. For the record, he is doing the 4th grade, but it's his 3rd school. And we have not moved since he started school. Same town, 3 schools. He has a certain...*coughs* fame for being a tough kid.

Now, I have been advised to take him out of school and educate him at home, for his interest. This means less blogging I'm afraid.

At the same time I feel another spur of depression coming over again. It's not the same feeling I had during my teenage years, neither it is similar to the experience I had some month ago. I am just tired. I would just like to go away to have a rest... I might write something about that, later...

But before that really happens, I have to tell you the story of my half-naked Tuesday. It is not nekkid and not Thursday as well. But some of you might like the story nevertheless... I was on bicycle to get into preschool for my daughter the other day. It was quite a hot afternoon and I had a t-shirt above my jeans. Suddenly I felt an insect within my t-shirt. I wiggled my arm in a vain attempt to get rid of the animal. This only resulted in getting stung on my shoulder. I started wiggling some more, but the bee/wasp(?) did not find the way out and kept buzzing more frantic than ever. I was afraid of being stung again and the whole embracing-a-wasp-under-my-t-shirt affair was getting a bit off the limits, you know. So what a decent woman does in a situation like this? I don't know, but I threw my bike down on the street and teared off my t-shirt. Right there, yes, on the street. Wow. Good for me that I had a bra on. Or was it good for the onlookers. In fact, there was nobody there, as it is a small street in a suburban area. But parents usually keep coming in and out from the pre-school at this time of the afternoon. Fortunately noone came out during my accident. Or were they? But returned not to insult me by watching my ...uhm..performance... ?? I might never know.

My question for you there: have you ever been forced, like me that day, to get rid of some of your clothes in public? How was that?

turbulence of drafts and ripe thoughts

Dear all,
this entry is personal. Not really interesting, perhaps. It's in me. Has to get it out.

there has been some gatherings of drafts lately. Somehow I was unsure of posting them, sometimes the timing was just not right, and so on...

Finally I thought: 'hey this is my diary. My thoughts, however stupid, unjustified, unbalanced they might be.' Now I'm sensing I'm on the defense for I'm not valueing myself high again. I'm sorry. More than anything I am speaking out.

The entry (growing up) below is one of those entries I wrote a bit earlier and adjusted today.

Below here's also another entry I've written even earlier. When I wrote that I was absolutely sure about its being right and valid. Now I doubt it. It's about my potential artistic ways within me, the calling of the beast, which I refused to answer and decided to turn down later.

At the time of writing I was unsure, too. How is it that some artists survive? How is it that not one and each of them leads a miserable life? Why me? Why am I one of those who are either unsuitable for being an artist or are bound to end up either in a mental house or ... nowhere?

Now here it comes:

I saw the beast, its eyes were sparkling in the fog. It turned a smile on me and called my name. I heard as it howled and whistled. For a moment or two I faced the one of whose name is better to be withheld. I saw trees collapsed, distorted from the Earth, creatures tormented, worlds torn apart in the eye. There was an offer of a potential new horizon just for me behind the wind. I knew I would like the new self. Would I really? - I heard a tiny voice within me. Just as when nothing tears into the grey curtain of soreness I saw a creek of shine, beaming as a bee over a sunflower. I knew I made the choice. And the beast was gone.

***this something was inspired by an issue that never escaped my mind since my awakening as a reader and thinker - allright, sometimes I tend to NOT think, but... which of of does not?Selling one's soul to the devil is the phrase and the act (procedure) that captured my imagination once again and finally I think I understood what's this all about. You know I somehow used not see the point. Selling how? and what? and what are the drawbacks of such a deal? Not that I did (or do) not believe in the existence of a soul. It was my belief in this immortal thing that made it harder for me to get the meaning home.I don't think I have ever been tempted, do I? Ok, maybe. During the past years and months, yes. I heard a calling, but refused to answer. Now I know the reason for my refusal of acknowledgement. What seemed lazyness or ignorance, fear of the unknown proved to be a wise decision. I did not decide when I was unaware of the impact. I did not measure things when I did not know the scale. I decided not to decide and it was a careful step.

****In the above entry I might be a bit, if not completely indistinct and confusing to my readers. I thought I had to add something to explain, something more digestible.I tend to believe that I might have an inclination within me to do something artistic. I feel I MIGHT be able to achieve something. All those things are highly questionable. (But if you visit this place you'll learn that everyone's inner self is an artist...) I also felt that to achieve that something I might NEVER reach happiness. This was a faint feeling. I felt that the trade-off of being famous would be a life I might not enjoy. No, not really. I would enjoy being able to create things that would have never existed otherwise. I would enjoy being acknowledged for being a certain person. Fame. Oh, la, la. So I did see those eyes and the trade-offs as well. I hesitated, yes, even though I am a mother of two and caring wife, and so on, all those seemingly boring stuff...yes...I hesitated and faced the potential and was unable to decide. Because from time to time when I am raised high and higher up, I know I've found happiness. Fame? Creating things not to fulfill me and not to pursuit my ultimate goal? When it's so simple. Life. Sun. Family. Green leaves. Wind. Love. Earth. It sounds much too simple, doesn't it?And finally: How about your trade?

*** There now. End of quote. Feelin' much much better now. Off with the burdens.

update: the photo above is NOT me. This is Nicole Kidman masked as Virginia Woolf in 'The Hours'.

growing up

I have been looking for questions and answers ever since I know myself. Beside learning hard, my teenage years were all about wanting to become happy. I remember a day when my stepfather drove the car and my mother was sitting on the seat beside him. I was behind them, on the backseat. It was one of those days when I was extremely upset and gloomy. Thinking back to those times, I was an upset teenager. My mother, not really understanding me at that time, asked me with a simple smile on her face: 'Are you not happy? Why are you not happy? I am sensing that you are not happy.' I was coping with tears, but held them back, or most of them. I wanted to run away, to cry out my anger, my loneliness, my teenage things, my pain... I wanted to shout out: 'Yes, Mom, I am completely UNHAPPY, don't you see? I am looking for me but what I found is something I do not like. Why? When will I found myself happy? You know all I would like to find is a happy me, but there is no sign for that.' I wanted to rage and shout. Instead I choose to hold back my tears and look out of the window as if being bored.

Now, I consider myself a grown-up person. I have kids. Kids that were born partly because I decided to give them life. For the love of my husband, for the love of life. At the same time I believe that their being here and with us is their decision. They teach me a lot. About being a mother and a human being. About responsibility, giving and caring. Life and love. About myself.
I do not shut myself up like I used to. If I have something to say, I say it. I have to let my message heard. Otherwise, why have a message?

I questioned reasons of living and dying. I found many potential answers to my questions. I was always way too careful to fully accept any idea or community. I preferred to remain an outsider, watch and find proofs. But I was determined to find something. I never really liked or understand those who were sitting on the fence. I knew there would be an answer and there was. Compiled over the years, formed by various forms of experiences during all those years - there was an answer and I am ever so happy to be reminded that it's always there.

eco-babies

UPDATE: I let this entry remain here for a time. Primarily not in order to mask my lazyness to come up with something new, but to gather more information - from those who read it and find it challenging. The question, once again is if you are one of those ecologically conscious weirdos, what's your answer to kids? Have them or not? Is having children and being an eco-maniac in any way connected? I don't know the answer, but I am thankful for Tia and Bruce for dismissing my fears : this subject, although IS delicate, is NOT a taboo among people coming from different cultures. See what I wrote and see their contribution, too. Than you are kindly asked to add yours, too - if you have any opinion.

Refraining from having children in our over-burdened, out-of-pace modern world seems a suitable and appropriate choice. I have not yet met anyone in person who decided to give birth on ecological reasoning. The big 'to have a baby or not' question was either a matter of heart, or a matter of money. Too bad, but that's it.

Off topic:

I have two kids, for the matter of heart, but I think this is it and there will be no third. Not that I'm getting a bit old for the whole baby-business, but because I don't consider myself a hen-type: you know, who keeps gathering kids under her wings, keeps feeding and entertaining them...never fails to give a hug or share a kiss when the little one's crying...I'm not like that. I sometimes do find it difficult to be a good mother even though I have ONLY two kids. Having more kids would be an adventure too risky for me I think. Yet I admire those who manage to handle and love properly one-two-or more or any kid(s). Being a mother is a difficult job.

Now, back to the main topic:

I have however, heard of two women, who did. One of them has successfully given birth to a baby girl this year - but I am in no way want to hurt the remaining one, dear Tia - in any way. Neither want I to slam any other woman who feels the same way. It is their life, their choice.
Tia, in her comment here has explained her choice. Her reasoning is totally clear. If we people in general destroy the Earth, leaving but a vast barren unfertile lifeless planet behind, why make the burden bigger by increasing the number of those who create new burdens? Whose ecological footprint is times larger than it should ever be? Sounds reasonable enough. I have no intention to challenge or doubt it - I am not seeing the future. (On a side note: I am thankful for God for NOT having this ability.)

My theory however is that those who are ecologically concerned and who are seeking knowledge to preserve and sustain LIFE in its integrity and beauty - and herefrom the word 'we' might refer to anyone who feels the same way.
With all the love and understanding, intelligence we have, it is our duty to pass these genes on for the future. If we don't proliferate, those who destroy the planet outnumber those who want to stop the destruction. If the Big Collapse ever comes (I pray that it won't) we will be the ones who'll be having the knowledge. Others might be better at shouting or destroying anything edible within sight or reach, but we will have the knowledge that goes behind the scenes. If we keep us in numbers, if we keep contacting each other, perhaps the sole knowing of each other is reassuring enough... so after the BC we will be able to show sustainable methods of survival, long term planning...if we don't get stabbed for a bottle of water.

(Above and below are a peek a boo photo of my daughter this spring in our garden. She is 6 on the pic.)

How about you?

I am looking for your opinion in this matter. Let us hear those who have or planning to have kids and those who are childless and/or are planning not to have kids. I hope this subject is not a taboo in your countries. As it is not a real taboo in Hungary. And among friends it is absolutely NOT a taboo.

September

It seems that September brings along changes to almost anyone I know. Some changes are obvious. One of my girlfriend here is having her second child within a few days, for example. School starts for kids, including my older one, for example. Some other friends of mine move to another continent, for example :))

Sometimes these changes are hard to discover at first - like starting a new course, a decision to start reading more and visit the internet less...

This photo below was made on August 24, fruits within the pot, fire not yet made.

The fruits are there, the intention to make a compote for the winter is there, but the fire is not yet burning. (Of course, a due fire was burning, the compote was made and it's all over now.)

But more often than not, fires are left unburned. There are things I know I should start and somehow I just don't start them. I don't think I'm alone with this problem, though... I was once told that the fire inside is missing or lacking within me. I have not yet come to terms with this 'verdict', though. I consider myself an ever-going, always-have-something-to-do, write-a-list-to-have-them-all-checked, type of person. Is this inner drive not fire? Are there other types of fires? Am I not able to distinguish between types of fire?

suggested wieving

For the ecologically concerned....

http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/canvas

Life

A course I might take

The course is called 'The hidden path of East and West: mystic and magical knowledge'.

In anticipation of the course I had the following thoughts on the train, on my way to the first session.

'I am waiting for anything that comes along. I seek knowledge, for I have been gathering knowledge over the years through books, lectures, personal experiences and through similar, scattered sources. The only difference is that now it is regular (bi-weekly) and there is a tutor.

I've decided to embrace all that comes, to let it sink and to select to keep all that fits into my universe. Because that's just about how I've been gathering knowledge so far.

Relevations do come sometime, though. Yes, there were moments/facts/events that shook my universe and made me find a new perspective. I am open to hear or experience things like that, too.

The course will be held by the same person who supervised the meditation I spoke about earlier here.

Talking about my potential attending of the course I mentioned two of my fears to my husband. Both proved unjustified and slightly, if not extremely, ridiculous. You might laugh at me. Here we go. Fear #1. Is it really time for such a course? Is the time ripe enough? Am I no too young? the logical answer, given by dh was that the sooner the better. Quite obvious, isn't it? Yet, there are things that needs good timing. Sometimes you'd like to start or do something and it just never fits into schedule. Some tend to say that when all the circumstances, including you as well (!) are appropriate for a particular thing, that will happen.

But behold! Fear# 2 was even more unflattering. (interruption: I'm attending this course with my MILO.) So, here we go, fear #2:What will my MILO think about my following her trait? Will she think that I'm simply copying her? Ok, you can laugh...

Pointless, unjustified and childish as these questions might seem - I have to consider them for their pure existence. I asked them because I am unsure. These funny questions reveal that I doubt my path. Despite that the fields and issues covered during the course are challenging, appealing to me. They might be a promise of a new horizon. Despite my conviction that this is one of the fields I should move further into. Despite my experience that dealing with and getting close to such knowledge does me good. Despite all pros I am looking for the cons. Is that normal?

My husband's answer to the 2nd question was just a laugh. And I laughed, too.'

And ...'the rest is silence'.