growing up

I have been looking for questions and answers ever since I know myself. Beside learning hard, my teenage years were all about wanting to become happy. I remember a day when my stepfather drove the car and my mother was sitting on the seat beside him. I was behind them, on the backseat. It was one of those days when I was extremely upset and gloomy. Thinking back to those times, I was an upset teenager. My mother, not really understanding me at that time, asked me with a simple smile on her face: 'Are you not happy? Why are you not happy? I am sensing that you are not happy.' I was coping with tears, but held them back, or most of them. I wanted to run away, to cry out my anger, my loneliness, my teenage things, my pain... I wanted to shout out: 'Yes, Mom, I am completely UNHAPPY, don't you see? I am looking for me but what I found is something I do not like. Why? When will I found myself happy? You know all I would like to find is a happy me, but there is no sign for that.' I wanted to rage and shout. Instead I choose to hold back my tears and look out of the window as if being bored.

Now, I consider myself a grown-up person. I have kids. Kids that were born partly because I decided to give them life. For the love of my husband, for the love of life. At the same time I believe that their being here and with us is their decision. They teach me a lot. About being a mother and a human being. About responsibility, giving and caring. Life and love. About myself.
I do not shut myself up like I used to. If I have something to say, I say it. I have to let my message heard. Otherwise, why have a message?

I questioned reasons of living and dying. I found many potential answers to my questions. I was always way too careful to fully accept any idea or community. I preferred to remain an outsider, watch and find proofs. But I was determined to find something. I never really liked or understand those who were sitting on the fence. I knew there would be an answer and there was. Compiled over the years, formed by various forms of experiences during all those years - there was an answer and I am ever so happy to be reminded that it's always there.