Prague

here I come!

Our choir is attending an international musical festival between 17 and 20 July.

Prague, capital of the Chech Republic is about 8-10 hours' drive from the town I live.

It will be the second time I visit this city and the memories of my last (and first-ever) visit are now coming back to me.

I was 17, bordering 18, the same age my son is now, when I spent 3-4 days, 4-5 nights there with my girlfriend, now a mother of 4, living in NY state, USA. She was my best girlfriend of the highschool years, one of the few.

We set on a plane, and it was first-ever plane flight at 17, bordering 18, you know, Hungary is small, the only other occassion I had been up off the ground was a helicopter ride above my hometown I enjoyed when I was about 15.

So there we were, young ladies with a supportive family background to explore a bit of the world, to explore it on our own way.

Memories....

I started the journey as a die-hard atheist and I guess you guess the ending to that part of the story.

Ahem.

Before the journey I was contemplating ways of quickly removing myself from the depressive state of being alive. I did not jump nor did I swallow any poison or anything like that, but.... I went to Prague instead :) And although I was still wondering of ways of killing myself in any (actually: in almost all) of those poetic locations, I surely did not.

That would have been quite a stress on my dearest girlfriend, now I come to think about it.

What a heck of a selfish person I was back then....

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Now, after a bumpy ride of 5 university years and 20 years of marriage (not less bumpy), and many other events later, Prague, here I come again.

Aspen

European aspen (Populus tremula) is blooming these days, actually for weeks here in Hungary. The male flower has a cotton-like flying soft structure that triggers an allergic reaction. I am surprised because this is the first time my reaction is so obvious.

I know I am allergic to ragweed (Ambrosia artemisiifolia), and I have been living with it in the past 15-20 years. Luckily for me, my symptoms have been reduced to a bearable level by eating bits of the fresh plant before and during the season.

This aspen allergy is kind of new - although when I come to think of it, ithas been getting worse over the past couple of years.

Now it reached a level where my eyes are swollen and when outdoors, I keep sneezing and my nose keeps running.

So, here's the story - I visited a therapist who is both specialist in mental therapy and applied kinesiology.

She pointed out that the Latin (and the Hungarian) name of the plant refers to a specific behaviour of aspen: that is, trembling, fluttering, wiggling, vibrating upon the slightest wind. Aspen represents my state - the way I react to my environment. I have a tendency to overreact, and a tendency to react to anything I reckon whether it is my duty or not. I want to have control over things I know I have not and the non-controlling, the continous failure to control and the continous income flow of impulses makes me nervous and exhausted.

This is the reason behind my allergy.

We elaborated on this topic a bit.

I have to learn to let things remain uncontrolled, especially if said events are none of my business, or of lesser importance. I have to focus and stay calm. Or so are the first steps of the healing process.

 

State of mind and recollection

Dear reader,

if any, after all these weeks and months without any activity in blogland.

I have not written much, or much interesting in the last couple of months (years?) and have neglected by blogging fellows, too.

This is not to apologize - this is to recollect all the things that happened along the time in a nutshell: we are ok, nothing seriously good or bad happened.

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I keep writing articles to three monthly magazines. Two of them requires an article each month and the third is always subject to the topic, which means that I write 12+12+about 8-10 articles a year.

I keep gardening and raising chicken for our family's need. This year I invented a small amount in buying 15 individuals of 7-day old Australorp chicken to introduce a double-purpose line to our collection.

I wrote two short stories, but more on that on my other blog. Please find yourself kindly invited to read over there about my successes and failures on the writing front.

The kids kind of hate their highschool and their attitude is kind of an issue within the family these days. Fortunately they don't to any drugs/alcohol and we don't have any of those really heavy problems, but we are a bit worried.

My husband and I are well together. Things that caused trouble in the past couple of years have either disappeared or been discussed and sorted out on mutual agreement. There is love and that is what matters.

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At this point I can't tell whether I will keep on blogging or not.

I wish to be more withdrawn, I have not used my email in the last couple of weeks, but I am still on face_book. Being there sometimes is amusing and inspiring, I do have partners to chat with, but most of the time it is frustrating and annoying.

I miss blogging when it meant that I analyzed events and emotions around me. Blogging did help me at times -

Reading objectives for January

I am planning to finish Irving Stone's The Agony and the Ecstasy this month. It is a shame, but I have been reading for months - I am so not telling for how many months.

I like the book and Michelangelo's character a lot, and I guess it's only the language and the intensity of the writing that makes it difficult to read.

Kudos to Mr. Stone for his is a wonderfully woven, thick material :)

I also plan to finish a small Agatha Christie piece called No. 16. I got that for Christmas.

That book really disappointed me.

If books were scored from one to ten, with ten points given to the best ones (such as the seemingly flawless impresson about the Italian renessaince), the crime novel would receive only 2 (or 3 in a better mood - and only because I am a fan of Ms. Christie.

It is so shallow and meaningless that I wonder what made Dame Agatha write such a bad book at all. The usual suspence and wit which I admire in her Miss Marple stories is also lacking here.

44

It's been that long and I am getting tired.

Or it is just that the sunless, foggy days wear me out.

I keep making lists of things I have not done, or have done wrongly, done instead of something more reasonable, or the opposite, more while listening to my intuition.

I am almost 100 % sure that making such lists is not the best one can ever do. One should rather focus on the positive events, on the happy achievements, on the appreciatiations, the positive feedback one gets from here and there.

I know, I know.

But anyway, it's my birthday and I allow myself to spoil it as much as I like.

on the virtual online course

it is now the fifth week of the course.

weekly lectures are published in chapters each Friday.

I watched the first chapter on the next week, and had to miss weeks 2, 3, and 4. now I am catching up and watch these chapters 2, 3 and 4 (three weeks) in a row.

unfortunately, the material so far has not been as satisfying as I expected.

for one, the course focuses on online storytelling (tv serials, webisodes), which is definitely not an area for me. and also, the theoretical 

material they are sharing is far from being really on-the-spot. it's more like an introduction to something. a feed for discussion, maybe.

and here comes my part ... there is an ongoing debate, in a forum style, which, honest, I do not follow. it is simply impossible to read all that stuff that people all around the world contribute.

one might pick a topic randomly and read a couple of comments, but the vast amount of written material repels me.

there is no guarantee that that particular thread I read is of importance for me. and my clock is ticking.

so, this course so far is a kind of a disappointment.

I'm still in, have not unenrolled, but I have doubts about the use of it.

an online writers' course and other things

The link is here.
I thought I'd give it a try.
More on that later on.
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Right now I am polishing a 10+ page scientific paper I have translated to English. Some of the most frequent words reveal my state of mind these days: farm regulation, inheritance law, turnover, material resources, measures. Had enough I guess. I, too :) - please tell me it's not 'me, too' here, right?

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About the photos:

They were made in Poland, where we had a nice performance with the choir.

(more photos may come on request)

Keep well,

SzF.

National Holiday

At the first evening of the 1956 revolution, usual radio broadcasting was made impossible by street fights.

Before the national radio station was moved to the building of the Parliament, journalists grabbed a few vinyl records in a hurry and later on, played them during the days of the revolution.
This record, Beethoven's s Egmont overture got played so often that it is connected to the Revolution. For many magyars who think about 1956, this is the music that pops right to the mind.

This to remember the heroes of '56.

return to poetry, now official :)

I am attending a 10 week poetry course that started this Friday (27 Sept).
It is organized by the writers' group and the leader is a young poet who comes to the classes from the capital.
What does this mean?
I've been experiencing some shift and being-out-of-place lately when visiting online sites, fb included, of writers of various genres. I felt I was the odd one out because everyone seemed to have focused on writing, and by that I mean writing every day, some no matter what, and some in genres that make the hair rise on my back. Don't get me wrong: it is a-okay to focus on writing while you are a writer.
I think I've just figured out that I was just not a writer. May never be, and this feeling is kind of liberating.
I am someone who writes, but writing is not my everyday profession. Writing helps me and I'd like to help/entertain/educate others, raise consciousness whatever, but I am no tradesman.
I am Dario Naharis, if you like, I write when my Muse tells me so, and while I love, love polishing my style and gathering technical tips for writing, there is life and unless the not composing of a writing makes me feel uncomfortable, I do not compose anything, thank you Gustav Holst.
So I feel the pressure on me is lifted and I am free again.
And what will I do with this new-found freedom?
I will write, you guessed it right.

my whereabouts, whenabouts and ifabouts, oh, geez

Now, as I am working on this translation about nematodes, on pine wilt nematode to be more specific, I came across this grammar problem and some of you might share a thought or two about it.

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While I was searching (and finding) some neat advice on the use of that/which for restrictive/nonrestrictive clauses**, I came across the problem of 'where'.

As my English develops (that is: revives and collapses and the loop starts all over again...) during the years I noticed myself using the word 'where' more, than ever.

Now I found on a website that using 'where' is more informal, and when the audience expects you to be more academic, or formal, you should use 'which'.

So I'm going through my translation text and check whether my style suits the needs of a PhD thesis.

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Take this sentence for example (uhm, this is a direct copy from the thesis, please do not use it for your purposes, I'm sorry, it is ridiculous, but still...)

'However, where pure-bred nematodes are maintained on a PDA medium, the method of the lysis procedure is not crucial.' This is how I translated the Hungarian sentence. But now I feel I should change 'where' to 'when', or 'if', or with a different structure, to 'which'.

I am almost done with the text, it's 20 pages with references and all, and once I'm finished, I'm giving the whole document a style checkup.

I just peeked into it here and there and was surprised by the amount of 'where's. I am in awe. Or shock :)

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Is it something informal, or modern, or is it just floppy writing?

Were those 'were's correct was it an informal text, like a diary, or something?

Should I change them all?

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**

This is something a non-native speaker, like I do not necessarily embrace naturally. We have to learn it. And I admit sometimes I make the strangest mistakes. I was well into all sorts of Times and Sequence of Times and whatnot, but still was unable to manage the interrogative form of Simple Past. There you have it :(

But I digress.

ahem. great. actually, i am satisfied with the result.

Your result for The Game of Thrones Character Test...

Brienne of Tarth

43 Hardworking, 47 Brave, 52 Loyal

Completely absent of schemes and vanity, you are Brienne of Tarth--the most loyal person around.  Once you swear a vow, you stick by it no matter what happens.  You don't preoccupy yourself with silly, material things, and you work hard to get what you want, instead of using personal connections to get ahead.

YOUR ANALYSIS (Vertical line = Average)

• 
  You scored 25% on Extroversion, higher than 29% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 28% on Anger, higher than 53% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 8% on Sexuality, higher than 9% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 43% on Hardworking, higher than 59% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 47% on Bravery, higher than 60% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 52% on Loyalty, higher than 70% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 55% on Violence, higher than 64% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 30% on Pride, higher than 53% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 0% on Debauchery, higher than 12% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 7% on Vanity, higher than 5% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 42% on Kindness, higher than 49% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 49% on Morality, higher than 43% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 13% on Scheming, higher than 32% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 41% on Insanity, higher than 79% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 68% on Intelligence, higher than 96% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 54% on Stoicism, higher than 96% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 8% on Humor, higher than 13% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 41% on Family-Orientedness, higher than 46% of your peers.

Take The Game of Thrones Character Test at HelloQuizzy

25 years

we are having the 25 year high school graduation reunion this year.

yes, it's been that long.

there are two meetings, one tomorrow at the capital of Hungary, and on the 24 August at the city of the alma mater, hometown for me, and for most of the members of the class of 1988.

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at this point of one's life there are still a lot of paths available, but not as much as there were 25 years ago. the path is narrowing.

one might feel a tightening, a squeeze of possibilities, a terrible loss of all the could-have-beens...

but also, one might feel the strength coming from the realization that no more bullshit is allowed. this is it, and this is as good as it gets.

and also, for the lucky ones, there is a strong support of all the things achieved by one so far, all the validation of one's existence.

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as for me, i am torn somewhere in the middle.

one day i will be able to write about all the things i did not do, and all the things i still miss of not having done.

and one day i should be grateful for all the other things i have.

wait, i am not that nasty - i am grateful for lots of what i have today. and i mean relationships, persons and positions. i am grateful.

yet...

i think for one time of the year, for this one reunion day, one is allowed to weep over the loss.

to be able to elaborate and evaluate the so-called loss...

for if i had the things i do not have now, then i would not have all the things i acknowledge today.

and for this one reunion day, one is allowed to shed some tears for the dreams torn.

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there were 38 of us.

now there are only 37, for one man, still not much more, than a boy at the time of his death, was drowning in the sea near India.

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it appears that there will be only two of us tomorrow in Budapest.

the woman who's coming is one of my best buddies of the old days. i am looking forward to meeting her :)

It's been a long time since our last mail.

You know, things have changed since we last talked.

Nothing is ever the same again.

All the issues we have been informing each other about, helping, too, in a way, have changed by now.

It is we that remain the same.

I keep on appreciating and admiring your kind spirit, energy and fantasy dedicated not only to writing projects, but to family and friends.

You keep on being the same lovable, playful, caring, strong-willed, witful yet remarkably reserved and fragile person ....

now and for ever now

- or at least, this is how I capture you in my heart.

I think we will meet again.

Not very soon, I assume, but the world needs you.

And since you can't resist the call to help, to make laugh, to educate, to care about you will return.

It was your call and it still is.

a friend is gone

may you rest in peace, dear Chris.
RIP CHRIS ELDIN - a collection of memorials HERE

just now....
i just don't have words.

Hungary's got talent

below is the performance that won the first place in Britain's_got_talent 2013



Well done, Attraction, congratulations!

at present

there is a great flood in Hungary (as almost everywhere in Central Europe). they say this is the biggest one in the century, but it is also said to be bigger than any flood in the 1900's.

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the school my kids attend provided strong young boys and even girls to help the locals build mobil dams with the use of large sand sacks.

i am proud of my son (16+) who worked at Nagymaros, a small town by the Duna (River Danube) on Wednesday.

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this photo depicts a cemetery.

a little memory

some writers foresee the future

speaking about what i have read and what i have experienced in the world around me, first it was Orwell who got it right in his 1984.

some of what he dreaded was reality, or was really close to reality in his time (in 1948), and most of his projections have become reality in the later years.

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now, with this comes Ms. Atwood's nightmare-ish vision true: the chicken nobs.

i have no access to knowledge about engineering artificial meat, but the idea grossed me out in Oryx and Crake and it horrifies me to see the vision becoming reality.

i am strongly against the notion that this is 'good for the animals and for the environment'.

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and now, as i type this blog post, just a couple of minutes ago, i found an article here that voices similar worries back in 2008.

(meaning that i have not found something outbreakingly new).

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this is surely the wrong way on many levels.

on account of the eight years

Vesper's blog turns six this very day. Here's her thoughtful post about the anniversary.

Over the years I stopped counting the years I spent in the blogosphere.

I was surprised to find out that it's been nearly eight years. My anniversary, or as they say, blogiversary is this August.

Let me give you some account of what I have experienced.

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It all started with reading other blogs. And with having written diaries earlier before the internet was invented. And with all the inner questions, uncertainties and thoughts that needed air.

I posted a lot, maybe a bit more than needed, about many of my personal problems. I guess some, or even most of them must have been a pain in the ass for the readers.

Not that I had many, though - but each and every reader do count, for it is their attention and time and for many cases, their precious and valueable help and commitment to be there and comfort when it is needed.

I would like to thank all of my readers for bearing with me and for giving me support, care and at times, necessary warnings.

I think I was lucky to not have any of those trolls.

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I think of visitors now, who frequented my blog for many months or years but stopped doing so. I guess their life has just taken a different turn and perhaps the tie was not strong enough to hold onto something from the past. It sure is all right.

We just don't have the time.

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The importance of blogging has evolved during these eight years.

At the very beginning, it was just a game, a sweet nothing, it was fun.

Later on it became an absolute necessity. There were so many problems I had to sort over that I was unable to hold my thoughts for myself. I just had to share even when no-one was listening.

I found that writing helped me.

I found ways of poetic expression and I felt overly content with the outcome.

The quality of my poetic wanderings are a completely different question - I guess it was therapy.

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If for whatever reason my poetry helped anyone else beside me, that is considered a huge bonus. It sure did help me in many ways: it helped me finding the name of the problems, which lead to finding solutions as well, AND it helped me find a way to express myself.

I found poetry and writing prose as... an aid? a way to express myself? a way to tell others about myself and about psychological issues in general?

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So (through blogging) I took up writing as a regular hobby and also singing and found, somehow suddenly that the blogging craze has died a bit down. My life was no longer in turmoil, my thoughts were somehow even, and relaxed, I somehow gained a new, relaxed state of mind and found less and less interest in reading blogs and writing my own.

Posts have become sporadic and I read definitely less blogs as I used to to.

This era somehow coincides with the opening of face_book I guess. It must have been in the air. People have become less and less interested in reading longer posts and having larger debates and I too, have become greedier for more and more information in less and less time.

It sure sounds like a cliché.

It did got me and got hold of me for a year or two.

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Now I feel the need for a more relaxed and slower way of communication. Although I thrive in online chatting and I like the rapid movement of information and I sure can dig deeper and did find friendships that endure, I have began to grow concerns about myself, my needs, and the proper way my soul and body should be treated.

So, I guess I am not quitting either fb or the blogosphere, but will focus more. 

I will continue to read and reflect on the blogs I now read, and I even might take up reading other blogs as well. It is the time I allocate to sitting in front of the computer and wasting my time that needs some tailoring. Reading and reflecting your valuable posts is not a waste of time in my book, so don't you worry.

I will spend less time here, though. And even less on fb.

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I feel the need to connect with real people, on-, or offline. I have become quite alienated over these years. Many of us have experienced the same, too, I guess, I am afraid. And many of us is stuck in a rut.

I don't want to bore anyone and don't have time to be bored either.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life backwards.

I don't know how much time I have. It might be 5 years or even 60.

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A little reminder: all my thoughts and questions about writing are now posted on my second blog HERE.

Hungarian success

you may not be watching Britain's got talent all the time, but the seventh season has just started and with a massive success from a Hungarian dance company.

here's the video, it takes only 4 minutes and your breath away.

:)

i still haven't found inspiration for life, but life did find me.. for inspiration? or for some other?

you know i have this job as a gardener in an old lady's summer cottage. she spends a lot of time there in the summer, but almost none during the cold months.

my job is to cut the grass, prune whatever prunable (and the list is almost endless, as it is a big garden, with lots of ornamentals and fruit trees), and you know, just keep the tidy look.

so, late as it may sound but pruning started only in April this year. we had snow on about the 25th March, and temperatures below minus 5 degrees (centigrade), so i had to refrain from using the shears.

but now...

so this is what i am doing these days.

i started with apples and roses and now it's pears.

(grapes were done during those days in March when the weather was nice).

after pears i will move onto sour cherries and cherries (i will be easy with cherries, though) and finally there are plums and apricots.

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for news on the writing front, please visit my other blog.

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where

has everything gone?

i surfed some of my old posts.

i found poems, lyrical and descriptive traces of inner struggles, little wins and little fails. experiments, enchantments and explanations.

like a world of wonder, a strange journey, an exploration.

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where has all the inspiration gone?

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my spirit is failing me.

at times i just wish to stare at the blank, white wall of my bedroom.

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i have even fantasized about writing a short-ish story of someone totally immersed in a want to stare at the blank, white wall of his/her bedroom - but that's another story.

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where has all my wit gone?

and humor?

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i've always been somewhat of a dry person, with a dry sense of humor, less of a sanguinic temperament, but this has gone way to far, period.

at days i have the sense of being like 100 years old, not wanting anything and anyone from life at all.

and while it may seem spiritually ok to not wish to 'gather worldly goods', this again, has gone too far.

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