turbulence of drafts and ripe thoughts

Dear all,
this entry is personal. Not really interesting, perhaps. It's in me. Has to get it out.

there has been some gatherings of drafts lately. Somehow I was unsure of posting them, sometimes the timing was just not right, and so on...

Finally I thought: 'hey this is my diary. My thoughts, however stupid, unjustified, unbalanced they might be.' Now I'm sensing I'm on the defense for I'm not valueing myself high again. I'm sorry. More than anything I am speaking out.

The entry (growing up) below is one of those entries I wrote a bit earlier and adjusted today.

Below here's also another entry I've written even earlier. When I wrote that I was absolutely sure about its being right and valid. Now I doubt it. It's about my potential artistic ways within me, the calling of the beast, which I refused to answer and decided to turn down later.

At the time of writing I was unsure, too. How is it that some artists survive? How is it that not one and each of them leads a miserable life? Why me? Why am I one of those who are either unsuitable for being an artist or are bound to end up either in a mental house or ... nowhere?

Now here it comes:

I saw the beast, its eyes were sparkling in the fog. It turned a smile on me and called my name. I heard as it howled and whistled. For a moment or two I faced the one of whose name is better to be withheld. I saw trees collapsed, distorted from the Earth, creatures tormented, worlds torn apart in the eye. There was an offer of a potential new horizon just for me behind the wind. I knew I would like the new self. Would I really? - I heard a tiny voice within me. Just as when nothing tears into the grey curtain of soreness I saw a creek of shine, beaming as a bee over a sunflower. I knew I made the choice. And the beast was gone.

***this something was inspired by an issue that never escaped my mind since my awakening as a reader and thinker - allright, sometimes I tend to NOT think, but... which of of does not?Selling one's soul to the devil is the phrase and the act (procedure) that captured my imagination once again and finally I think I understood what's this all about. You know I somehow used not see the point. Selling how? and what? and what are the drawbacks of such a deal? Not that I did (or do) not believe in the existence of a soul. It was my belief in this immortal thing that made it harder for me to get the meaning home.I don't think I have ever been tempted, do I? Ok, maybe. During the past years and months, yes. I heard a calling, but refused to answer. Now I know the reason for my refusal of acknowledgement. What seemed lazyness or ignorance, fear of the unknown proved to be a wise decision. I did not decide when I was unaware of the impact. I did not measure things when I did not know the scale. I decided not to decide and it was a careful step.

****In the above entry I might be a bit, if not completely indistinct and confusing to my readers. I thought I had to add something to explain, something more digestible.I tend to believe that I might have an inclination within me to do something artistic. I feel I MIGHT be able to achieve something. All those things are highly questionable. (But if you visit this place you'll learn that everyone's inner self is an artist...) I also felt that to achieve that something I might NEVER reach happiness. This was a faint feeling. I felt that the trade-off of being famous would be a life I might not enjoy. No, not really. I would enjoy being able to create things that would have never existed otherwise. I would enjoy being acknowledged for being a certain person. Fame. Oh, la, la. So I did see those eyes and the trade-offs as well. I hesitated, yes, even though I am a mother of two and caring wife, and so on, all those seemingly boring stuff...yes...I hesitated and faced the potential and was unable to decide. Because from time to time when I am raised high and higher up, I know I've found happiness. Fame? Creating things not to fulfill me and not to pursuit my ultimate goal? When it's so simple. Life. Sun. Family. Green leaves. Wind. Love. Earth. It sounds much too simple, doesn't it?And finally: How about your trade?

*** There now. End of quote. Feelin' much much better now. Off with the burdens.

update: the photo above is NOT me. This is Nicole Kidman masked as Virginia Woolf in 'The Hours'.