UPDATE a poem by Reményik Sándor

UPDATE

I am more thank thankful for his comments. I know that there's not much traffic here. From those who visit my diary in a more or less regular fashion I asked a help - reading and watching carefully my first ever translation of a real poem. I sometimes try to write poemlets in English, but this is something else. This is a real poem by a real poet. And yes, I have done translations before, but those were not poems. This is new to me.

I know I make grammar mistakes. That is obvious. I am sorry for those. I really try to improve my English, but the older I get, the less I seem to absorb rules.

I agree that all grammar weeds must be eradicated, but basically I am NOT asking for a grammar revision.

The most difficult task during translating this poem was to find the most appropriate phrases or words for the Hungarian ones.

For example, I kind of disliked the 'nestle close up to you' - thing as I have never heard of it before. I think it might be a rare expression, although the Hungarian equivalent "hozzádsimulni" is an almost everyday-expression. I looked up in here and found that embrace might be a better one. Fondle is also close, but that rings sexuality in my head and that is absolutely not within the original poem. This verb is a crucial here, as it refers to how the writer relates to Nature.

So, any comments are appreciated and thanks for commenting!

And should any of you come accross of any official translation of any of Reményik's poetry, do not hesitate to contact me here.

(This is one of my favourite poems - and a very rough translation by me. An attempt to translate one of the most gorgeous and fragile, yet powerful poems of Hungarian literature to English. I am not a translator of poems and such - so I'm sorry for the quality. I translated it, ok, sort of, because I could not find an official translation of any of Reményik's poetry, but wanted to share it's beauty with you. The original poem has rhyming lines, which I absolutely could not measure up to in my weak attempt. In fact, this is my first ever translation of a poem. Any suggestions to better the English outcome are heartily welcomed. I am here to debate:) Please, please show me what's wrong with it, what are my weaknesses.

Firts comes the original poem in my language, as written by R.S., then it somes in my English.

Reményik Sándor: Vágy

Szeretnék úgy belédsimulni
Természet - mint egy falevél,
Mint egy fűszál, mely egyformán nyugodt,
Ha harmat száll rá, s ha rá száll a dér.
Szeretnék úgy belédsimulni,
Mint egy elvesző árnyalat
Az alkony ezerszínű tengerén,
Szeretném fölszívni az árnyakat,
S magamat tőlük fölszívatni én.

Szeretnék úgy belédsimulni
Természet - mint egy lehelet,
Mint szél fuvalma, mely alig-alig
Borzolja fel az alvó vizeket,
Szeretnék úgy belédsimulni,
Mint egy tétova napsugár,
Mely jár az erdő sűrű rejtekén,
És nem keres és nem talál,
Szeretnék úgy belédsimulni
Természet - mint egy tűnő napsugár.

(S szeretném, ha mellettem elmenet,
Valaki szólna:
"Nézd, már itt az ősz,
Sárgulnak lassacskán a levelek."
És nem ismerné meg a levelet.

És szeretném, ha rajtfelejtené
Valaki a szemét az alkonyégen,
S szólna: "ezerszínű az alkonyat,
Így láttuk ezt valaha, - vele - régen."
És nem sejtené, hogy egy árnyalat
Az esti színek közt én vagyok éppen.

És szeretném, ha jönne valaki
Az erdő rejtekébe
És szólna, "nini, milyen különös:
A nap e mély homályban is ragyog."
És nem tudná, hogy az is én vagyok.)

Szeretnék úgy hozzádsimulni
Természet - mint a vén moha
A fák északos oldalán,
S nem lenni hozzád hûtelen soha.
Szeretnék úgy belédsimulni,
Mint tücsök hangja holdas éjeken,
S szeretném, ha valaki elborongna
Rajtam, mint multból zengő éneken.

S szeretnék úgy vegyülni el beléd,
Természet - mint a síri por,
Mit ezeréves hantokról a szél
Nagy-messzi tengerpartokra sodor.
Ott játszana velem egy kisgyerek,
Kicsiny kezén futnék fel és alá,
S e port, mely egyensúlyát nem leli:
Egy percig egyensúlyban tartaná.

Desire

by Sándor Reményik

Nature, I would like to nestle up close to you -
like a leaf or a blade of grass,
that is easy, may either dew or frost fall.

I would like to nestle up close to you,
like a fading shade,
on the carpet of thousand colors of the dusk,
I would like to absorb these shades,
and be absorbed by them, too.

Nature, I would like to nestle up close to you -
like a breeze,
a breath of wind, that hardly
rises water yet asleep,
I would like to nestle up close to you, as
a wandering ray of sunshine
that rambles in the deep ambushes of a forest,
neither to seek nor to find,
Nature, I would like to nestle up close to you -
like a fading sunshine.

(And then someone, passing by,
would say:
'Look, autumn is here,
the leaves are slowly turning into yellow.'
And he would not recognize the leaf.

And I imagine someone would rest
his eyes upon the wonderful dusk blanket of the sky,
saying: 'what a miriad of colors,
we used to see this, once upon a time - with him.'
without even feeling that one of the shades
of the evening colors
would be just me.

And I would like someone
to come to the inner part
of a forest to say: 'look, how strange:
there is bright sunshine
in the deep darkness.'
and he wouldn't be aware of that ray being me as well.

Nature, I would like to nestle up close to you -
like an old moss
on the northern sides of trees,
and never to leave you forever.
I would like to nestle up close to you,
as the voice of crickets
on moonlit nights,
and there would be someone to ponder
about me, as a song echoed from the past.

Nature, I would like to mingle into you
like a dust that has drifted

from thousand year old graves to
far away sea-shores.
There would be a child,
balancing me from one of his tiny hands to another,
and the restless dust that finds no ease
would be in balance for a minute.