unnoticed

I breathe deeply. I see things and persons, and events happening. I am within a cloud so full of mist that my vision is unclear. I see things move, hear people speak, I can walk and move my body. I can avoid being hit by a car as I can watch the signs and deep in my brain I know I can not step off the pavement until it's green. I have hard times when I need to speak. As if the body I'm using would be a mannequin (a dummy) and the voice would come from another place. I feel like I'm making the dummy speaking, but the voice is not mine, either.

I have this feeling around me that I am out-of-situation. It has been around me for the past few days. My sights, and perceptions are not very much blurred, however. I just don't really use them. I prefer not using them. I'm longing for a dark room, with the windows slightly open and I imagine myself lying in a bed, dreaming or flying into the unknown.

I would not want to die, not deliberately at least. I'm sensing that it's my karma and I prefer stopping it to making the same mistake again.

The life I am forced to live is something I can not relate to at the moment. By at the moment I mean these days, or rather, weeks. I feel like I'm watching a movie that never ends. A movie I can not really control. Not that I feel the want to control it, either.

I would like to become a handful of sand. I would be blown away and would be scattered all over a meadow. That's what I dream about. I would unite with the Earth. My particles would no longer belong to this body. I would be able to see all the things and cover all the things I do not understand now. I would become a rhythm pulsing around. A heartbeat with no body. I would go high up to tree tops, would land on leaves and would be soaked in the Sun only to be washed away by the next rain. I would drip from leaf to leaf and pour down tree trunks until I reach the level of moss and would be absorbed by the Earth. I would go down, deeper until a root would take me up again. I would become the wind itself.

I want to become unnoticed. I want to be absorbed by the light.