a friend is gone

may you rest in peace, dear Chris.
RIP CHRIS ELDIN - a collection of memorials HERE

just now....
i just don't have words.

Hungary's got talent

below is the performance that won the first place in Britain's_got_talent 2013



Well done, Attraction, congratulations!

at present

there is a great flood in Hungary (as almost everywhere in Central Europe). they say this is the biggest one in the century, but it is also said to be bigger than any flood in the 1900's.

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the school my kids attend provided strong young boys and even girls to help the locals build mobil dams with the use of large sand sacks.

i am proud of my son (16+) who worked at Nagymaros, a small town by the Duna (River Danube) on Wednesday.

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this photo depicts a cemetery.

a little memory

some writers foresee the future

speaking about what i have read and what i have experienced in the world around me, first it was Orwell who got it right in his 1984.

some of what he dreaded was reality, or was really close to reality in his time (in 1948), and most of his projections have become reality in the later years.

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now, with this comes Ms. Atwood's nightmare-ish vision true: the chicken nobs.

i have no access to knowledge about engineering artificial meat, but the idea grossed me out in Oryx and Crake and it horrifies me to see the vision becoming reality.

i am strongly against the notion that this is 'good for the animals and for the environment'.

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and now, as i type this blog post, just a couple of minutes ago, i found an article here that voices similar worries back in 2008.

(meaning that i have not found something outbreakingly new).

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this is surely the wrong way on many levels.

on account of the eight years

Vesper's blog turns six this very day. Here's her thoughtful post about the anniversary.

Over the years I stopped counting the years I spent in the blogosphere.

I was surprised to find out that it's been nearly eight years. My anniversary, or as they say, blogiversary is this August.

Let me give you some account of what I have experienced.

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It all started with reading other blogs. And with having written diaries earlier before the internet was invented. And with all the inner questions, uncertainties and thoughts that needed air.

I posted a lot, maybe a bit more than needed, about many of my personal problems. I guess some, or even most of them must have been a pain in the ass for the readers.

Not that I had many, though - but each and every reader do count, for it is their attention and time and for many cases, their precious and valueable help and commitment to be there and comfort when it is needed.

I would like to thank all of my readers for bearing with me and for giving me support, care and at times, necessary warnings.

I think I was lucky to not have any of those trolls.

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I think of visitors now, who frequented my blog for many months or years but stopped doing so. I guess their life has just taken a different turn and perhaps the tie was not strong enough to hold onto something from the past. It sure is all right.

We just don't have the time.

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The importance of blogging has evolved during these eight years.

At the very beginning, it was just a game, a sweet nothing, it was fun.

Later on it became an absolute necessity. There were so many problems I had to sort over that I was unable to hold my thoughts for myself. I just had to share even when no-one was listening.

I found that writing helped me.

I found ways of poetic expression and I felt overly content with the outcome.

The quality of my poetic wanderings are a completely different question - I guess it was therapy.

-

If for whatever reason my poetry helped anyone else beside me, that is considered a huge bonus. It sure did help me in many ways: it helped me finding the name of the problems, which lead to finding solutions as well, AND it helped me find a way to express myself.

I found poetry and writing prose as... an aid? a way to express myself? a way to tell others about myself and about psychological issues in general?

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So (through blogging) I took up writing as a regular hobby and also singing and found, somehow suddenly that the blogging craze has died a bit down. My life was no longer in turmoil, my thoughts were somehow even, and relaxed, I somehow gained a new, relaxed state of mind and found less and less interest in reading blogs and writing my own.

Posts have become sporadic and I read definitely less blogs as I used to to.

This era somehow coincides with the opening of face_book I guess. It must have been in the air. People have become less and less interested in reading longer posts and having larger debates and I too, have become greedier for more and more information in less and less time.

It sure sounds like a cliché.

It did got me and got hold of me for a year or two.

-

Now I feel the need for a more relaxed and slower way of communication. Although I thrive in online chatting and I like the rapid movement of information and I sure can dig deeper and did find friendships that endure, I have began to grow concerns about myself, my needs, and the proper way my soul and body should be treated.

So, I guess I am not quitting either fb or the blogosphere, but will focus more. 

I will continue to read and reflect on the blogs I now read, and I even might take up reading other blogs as well. It is the time I allocate to sitting in front of the computer and wasting my time that needs some tailoring. Reading and reflecting your valuable posts is not a waste of time in my book, so don't you worry.

I will spend less time here, though. And even less on fb.

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I feel the need to connect with real people, on-, or offline. I have become quite alienated over these years. Many of us have experienced the same, too, I guess, I am afraid. And many of us is stuck in a rut.

I don't want to bore anyone and don't have time to be bored either.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life backwards.

I don't know how much time I have. It might be 5 years or even 60.

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A little reminder: all my thoughts and questions about writing are now posted on my second blog HERE.

Hungarian success

you may not be watching Britain's got talent all the time, but the seventh season has just started and with a massive success from a Hungarian dance company.

here's the video, it takes only 4 minutes and your breath away.

:)

i still haven't found inspiration for life, but life did find me.. for inspiration? or for some other?

you know i have this job as a gardener in an old lady's summer cottage. she spends a lot of time there in the summer, but almost none during the cold months.

my job is to cut the grass, prune whatever prunable (and the list is almost endless, as it is a big garden, with lots of ornamentals and fruit trees), and you know, just keep the tidy look.

so, late as it may sound but pruning started only in April this year. we had snow on about the 25th March, and temperatures below minus 5 degrees (centigrade), so i had to refrain from using the shears.

but now...

so this is what i am doing these days.

i started with apples and roses and now it's pears.

(grapes were done during those days in March when the weather was nice).

after pears i will move onto sour cherries and cherries (i will be easy with cherries, though) and finally there are plums and apricots.

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for news on the writing front, please visit my other blog.

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where

has everything gone?

i surfed some of my old posts.

i found poems, lyrical and descriptive traces of inner struggles, little wins and little fails. experiments, enchantments and explanations.

like a world of wonder, a strange journey, an exploration.

-

where has all the inspiration gone?

-

my spirit is failing me.

at times i just wish to stare at the blank, white wall of my bedroom.

-

i have even fantasized about writing a short-ish story of someone totally immersed in a want to stare at the blank, white wall of his/her bedroom - but that's another story.

-

where has all my wit gone?

and humor?

-

i've always been somewhat of a dry person, with a dry sense of humor, less of a sanguinic temperament, but this has gone way to far, period.

at days i have the sense of being like 100 years old, not wanting anything and anyone from life at all.

and while it may seem spiritually ok to not wish to 'gather worldly goods', this again, has gone too far.

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diversity

now it is official :)

all my writing-related posts are published on the other blog, while this one is personal. family issues, house-renovations, friends and the like, debates on the world, on politics, on the state of the garden and so on.

you are warmly invited to continue to frequent any, or rather, both of these blogs.
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you know, this blog here is the older of the two. it started around 2005 and i blogged practically about everything that bothered me.
and somewhere around the summer of 2007 i started the second blog, which was supposed to support the writing of one particular novel.
short stories came and went by, i wrote the first draft to that particular novel and technical questions of writing have gained lots of importance in my life.
so i decided to officially declare that the second blog is for writing only and this, the old one is for everything else.

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and tomorrow we are heading east, to my hometown, to the funeral.

mixed emotions

warning: lots of emotions in the following post.
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my maternal grandmother, born in 1921, has been living in an institute for the elderly. this is a safe place with nurses and with regular medical checkups by special doctors. the institute is run by a church.

my grandmother, who became weak physically in the past 3 or so years has become one of the favourite of the nurses. her kindness and polite behaviour made her really likeable person among the other inmates, too.

in this institute each person has his/her own room and two persons share a bathroom.

it is not a really cheap facility, but not a fancy one either. say, a medium one.

-

she sold her flat and moved in when her health weakened.

with all the comfort of the facility around her, her health status kept dropping.

little by little she lost her physical and spiritual strength.

to avoid incidents, such as falling on the ground (you know how easily the bones of the elderly brake...) they began to give her mild sedatives.

i recall her as a caring, warm-hearted, witful and smiling person. she was extremely good at basic mathematics and could easily beat anyone in the simple logical questions of everyday life.

her old self, the one i knew her has gradually faded away.

i kind of imagine that she was in a haze for the past 6 month or so.

with her physical conditions dramatically dropping to a level hardly bearable, and her mind being wandering around in spheres unreacheable to us, i believe her soul was in an eager search to find solace with god and re-unite with her husband (my grandfather, who passed away 5-6 years ago) with whom they led a perfectly, unimaginably solid married life for more than 50 years (was it 60?).

-

she passed away a day ago.

i am crying but i feel relief.

may she rest in peace at last.
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this Ave Maria is for her

blog news

my father keeps orchideas. he savea rain water in plastic bottles during the summer so as to have a suitable amount to supply the plants during winter and whenever they are in a good need of watering. this photo was made by my father.

this post is to remind all my kind readers that all my writing-related stuff now goes to my second blog, for those posts please visit the top one called 'and i'm writing...' on the right coloumn.

thanks for being with me.

a successful fit

yeah, the title is grammatically correct.

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this afternoon i had a really fast heart rate.

it is not unusual for me.

when at times i get lazy and exercise less i have this tendency to have a mild case of tachycardia.

tachycardia is one reason i exercise as much as i can.

but today i had my regular 40 minutes before lunch and dang, at 3 pm it just started.

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it beats so fast that it takes my normal way of thinking away: i get weak and dizzy.

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today i tried all the tricks that work: laying down, sitting, taking my attention (reading), i even felt asleep - but this time nothing worked and i got so very angry that i started throwing a fit.

i jumped and ran across the rooms as fast as i could and was crying quite like an idiot.

voila.

the heart rate went down to normal.

i think the trick was that my body was lured into thinking that the fast rate was due to the running and jumping and when i stopped these actitivies, the heart rate also dropped back to normal.

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any similar experiences?

a new year

a somewhat lame post to recognize that there is 2013 already.

things on my to-do list for the year include, but not limited to:

(a)

finish some of the most important renovation jobs in the house.

we have been living there for 12 years, but the largest room was just re-painted completely around the turn of the year. now, after much work, we declare it ready.

as for anyone not familiar with how things work out around here i have to note that we do not take ANY loan from ANY bank.

as a consequence 1.) our house is ours and ours alone 2.) almost 90% of all jobs are done by us and friends 3.) most jobs take a loooooong time to complete.

but consequence #1 makes up for everything.

okay, go on ...

(b)

shed some weight and get into a better shape for the 25 years high-school reunion this summer.

wow.

hee-hee.

i have been sitting around the internet way too much lately.

like, in the past 5 or so years, and it's beginning to take it's toll.

either that or i am beginning to show signs of aging.

i don't know.

(c)
read and write more.
the most important issues about writing are dealth with on my Copper Moon blog, please visit and comment.

---
hello, fellow blogger!
let yourself heard in the comments.
what are your resolutions?

on the photos: dh. a slow, but careful worker at almost all type of duties.

a new anthology

the writers' group i attend at my town (note to self: i have almost called it my hometown, when it is clearly not, and although i did spend half of my life here in G..., i was born in N.... and i still consider N my hometown. this notion may or may not change over time, as the number of years i spend in G... slowly outnumbers the first twenty i had in my original town. and i guess this paragraph just makes no sense to all those people moving to and fro between towns, counties or even countries. well, here i am, old fashioned and all.) is preparing an anthology next year.

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this is the second one!

we are all busy editing each other's and our own writings to make them ready for publishing.

you know, it's coming out in paperback-like version, with the number of copies around 500.

this is what we are able to do - spreading our words to families, friends, and more often than not, to guest lecturers at our meetings.

well some of the books are sold to the general public at special book events like the Week of Books (I guess it's around mid-May or something), or at the Day of Poetry (11 April each year).

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i'm in, of course :)

there will be two translations, one is Carl Sandburg's Fog, and the other one is Robert Lowell's For Sale.

also, there will be two other pieces titled Shadow (a flash fiction when the main character keeps seeing a shadow on the wall while there is nothing there) and The Tale of the Crow (a tale about a crow, uhm, why, yes....this was written in 2007 in English and was first made public here in this blog.)

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5 weeks more?

are we heading a transition or will everything remain normal?

there have been various false and true (?) prophets voicing the coming end-of-the-world.

now it's less than a couple of weeks away.

i kind of reject the idea of such a dramatic change.

also, some tiny part of my brain is bedazzled by a date such precisely foretold.

hm - i think i'm wrong to believe that anything special might happen on 21.12.2012. :)

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but just in case...

i reject buying anything new that needs electricity, and also i wish to have my writings printed on paper before _the_ date.

it just may come handy anyway, in case my laptop says hello.

apocalyptic tourists

well, the deadline for submission is closing on 31 october.

my short story was read by 8 betas. quite a number, i guess.

-

i have spent half of my yesterday to revise the text.

i examined each and every note i had received from these 8 readers.

-

i changed where most of the readers had problems and changed where any of them seemed to have a major problme with that particular part.

-

generally speaking, i clarified the dialogues, and some of the descriptions, changed the position of certain information within the body of the whole text and left out some text that did not contribute to the overall flow of the story.

-

i think i am about the learn something more again about writing.

the best thing of course is that i had something to work on.

that is, i had written so that i was able to revise.

to put in the other way round: you have to write. period.

:)

for our National Freedom Day

Hungarian patriots remember October 23, 1956 - and recall that some of those are still in power.

this compilation starts with the National Anthem and the radio message screaming for the 'free nations of the world' to help us out, to help get rid of the Russian invasion.

(no-one came and the Revolution was halted. in the forthcoming years the memory of this uplifting event was mucked by labelling 1956 a 'counter-revolution - something that is against the normal order)

then you are to hear Mindszenty's speach.

the female voice belongs to one of the fighters of '56. she says that the crime should not be forgotten. 'a crime is a crime a crime all right'.

some shocking original footage supplements the memorial.

we shall not forget you, heroes of 1956.

a new short story

i am attending a short story contest (in hungarian).

there were only a few restrictions: character limit and that the story has to revolve around the oh-so-supposed end of the world in 2012.
the story is called 'apocalyptic tourists'
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we, who attented the virtual writers' course this march-april, decided to help each other by revising each other's stories.

it feels so good to have this virtual company.

-

i noticed that having taken part in this course slowed down my writing a lot. like, a lot lot.:)

i tend to notice some of the flaws as soon as i commit them. logical ones. ones when the story winds away to unwanted direction.

i think i am learning to switch from writing from the heart to writing from the mind.

i know the best is to write from both, but now i am a learner.

i study good writing and it means swinging.

time will bring me closer to being a good writer - or a better writer at least.

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how're you doin' ?

you, poets out there - you write from your heart...

i hear you!

and you, fabricators of clever stories - you write from your mind...

i hear you!

-

and where i am?

-

:)))

yes, but not the cave UPDATE

I don't know if any of you take part in the Lascaux Flash contest, but in case you have not heard about it, here's me, spreading the word.

there is a photo to use as a prompt, but the writings are not judged upon how strong and obvious their connection is to the photo.

the number of contestants are already over 120, and there are 7 more days to enter.

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My one titled 'Gratitude' appears on the site. it is a somehow dark story, not at all well-crafted. huh, I do not read and write English that mush these days. anyway, I worked on the first idea that popped into my mind, huh, that woman has a strange mind, i hear you sayin' :)))

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A fellow blogger and faraway friend, Paul's version is also up, it's about a small kid. Paul knows a lot about kids. I liked his submission a lot.

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My story is No 125. I dedicate it to my dearest Vesper who once said that writing enabled her to live another life whenever she felt like it.
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Update on Monday, 17.
The number of stories border 140 and there are still a few more days to enter.
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one of the seven

this last one wobbled around

and turned sour -

like a leaf leaping off the oak

when winter corners 

the last refugee of summer

of all my lives

this last one keeps mumbling -

like the last cricket voicing my 

song for life

at the tip of my whiskers

________

uhm, take this as an attempt at getting back to where i started: poetry, or rather, attempted poetry.

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you might remember (and i blogged about in on my other, english language blog): the novel i wrote in november 2010 was accepted by one editor and refused by the other. i took part in a virtual writers' course and i guess i learned a lot.

-

well, not a lot lot, but just enough to get a distance and see the faults of my writing.

i used to write easily, with all my passion, but with a few important mistakes.

dramaturgy, the drive of characters and the development of a character, or rather, the lack of these are my totally weak points.

now i feel stupefied by all the rules, but i think it is a normal to feel so.

hm.

so, i kind of re-embrace my roots (attempted poetry) to keep the passion alive.

at the same time i started to write a short story with all the rules in mind (to improve my writing).

this second goal does not feel easy because instead of my heart, i have to write with my head.

a lazy post

part i.

while i fight allergy with much, or sometimes, less success, we keep on renovatinog our house.

(to be continued)

part ii.

our cells are said to be replaced every seven years.

you change.

sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse - and at times you can do about the changes, urge and help them, at other times you just watch and barely recognize and understand what is going on, and there are times when you analyze and see it all and yet are clueless and helpless. you know it's headed for a not-so-perfect direction.

yet, paralyzed, the best your efforts worth are contemplating.

off for the countryside

we are going to see the small piece of land we have on the countryside in an abandoned village.

i wrote a post about the village itself a couple of weeks (months) ago.

this is the first time we are going there as a family, all the four of us.

i hope to see some showers of shooting starts, as there are no public lights (electricity) on the streets there, as the former streets are all reclaimed by grass and bushes.

my photo-camera is broken again :(

i am looking forward to this getaway, no mains, no lights, no running water, no wc, no internet.

only two days.

have fun, you, too.

mondsee

what if, for one day,
the palm of your hand,
still radiating summer heat
held me close.


what if, for one day,
the cliffs of the Alps,
wondered under the lake
and got soaked in fish.


that day, that one day,
lingers on
no matter the mirror -

perfections and illusions

tonight i had a dream.

in this dream, for the thousand time, i met a situation, a circumstance, something, someone (choose one of your preference) that has been lurking around in my dreams, my everydays, my visions, my emails, my life in the past 10 or so years.

all these years i was well aware that the haunting, the tempting, the wish, the opportunity, the chance was not real.

i did toy with the idea of trying to rush in, of quitting, of swaying, of falling apart, but i remained calm, well, mostly on the outside, with turbulences, whirlwinds, lapses of reasons inside - and kept the status quo.

but no matter the facts, the reactions, the reasoning, the logic, i kept dreaming, having visions and dreams of what ifs, and what if nots.

today the dream was different.

i saw, felt and understood the aforementined something as it always was, or what i always knew it was but was tempted to refuse to see, feel and understand.

yet, for the first time it felt realistic.

it was a palpable, everyday situation.

it might mean i am getting closer to a solution, if any, or to that i am simply closing any future pathways to any chances.

the dream might mean that i have no illusions anymore.

i am still in awe of the depth of the dream.
do share any of your thoughts this post has awaken.

the song may or may not represent the feelings of one, or more of the parties involved. basically, i am not crying over anyone, including myself - but a little crying every now and then is relaxing, a must if you like, and listening to kd lang duetting with roy orbison does always good.

on tour with the choir

dear all,

i am off for a 5-day tour to Austria and Germany between 12 and 16 July.

we are to pay a short visit to Mondsee near Salzburg, to sing in churches in Aichach and in Augsburg in two different days, and also to have a beer at Weltenburg, and have a boat ride on the Danube.

we are going by bus and i'm taking a traditional notebook and a pen with me - you know... just in case, the muse hits or something.

we will perform G.B. Pergolesi's Stabat Mater, P. Cornelius's Messe in d-minor, and some short pieces by classical German composers like Schumann.

gardening activities

this photo was made before the ice hit and damaged our tomato for good.

about half an hour of storm, with ices of about the size of a small cherry (!) and the whole lot is done.

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on the other hand, i am happily engaged in taking care of a garden, which is kind of a new paid job for me. there won't be much activity to do in the winter, meaning no money as well, though.

-

whenever i go to that garden, i get up at 4:30 and get to the garden by 5:00 and work there until 7:00. it gives me a good start for the whole day.

with all this heat around the day i would not be able to work on the sun - but early mornings are just fine.

-

and the Danube keeps flowing on

my recent job sort of ended this tuesday. 

-

this is good news, my friends.

-

new ways

well, the job i kind of like, kind of hate, but generally is a source of feeling incompetent - isn't that great? is still on.

there are still six more months to go.

we'll just see.

-

someone i met in relation to this aforementioned job offered me another job.

we'll get money for it.

we are to take care of a garden, fruit trees, bushes, roses and there are lots of grass to mown.

the garden belongs to an old lady who lives in the capital of Hungary and is unable to do all the work by herself, but whenever she visits her property she wants to see it neat and clean.

that's what we are here for - from now on.

i am excited :)

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pictured below is our 27 year old toyota corolla. we got it 3 months ago, from friends, for use for unlimited time.

this is the first car we ever own. 

sway

i wrote the short story.

i had some hard time finding the true motive to write it at all - a task given at a virtual writers' course is just not an internal motive, for me it is not.

i usually write when i feel i have to.

so, i had some difficulties starting the writing at all and i knew it did not come out that good.

-

i received suggestions from my course-mates towards re-composing the story.

i plan to take a good break and rewrite it.

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