There's a writing contest at EvilEditor's. The set is: a maximum of 200 words, and the starting first line is given. My freedom was to pick a famous character to take part. I invited Carrie.
I’ve seen the movie some 10-15 years ago, but honestly, I don’t remember if there is a Halloween scene in the movie. I just wished to complete the task. Why I chose Carrie? I think I feel sympathy for her. I remember having kept wondering throughout the film how would this end, what revenge, if any, would Carrie take on her bullies.
Here's my take. Enjoy. Or be afraid. Enjoy being afraid. Or frown at it. Enjoy frowning. Or be afraid to tell me how you frowned. Oh, shut up.
----
It was Halloween night, but there'd been no trick or treaters at the home of Carrie, who was about to go to bed when the doorbell rang.
The blinds were not drawn.
If I poke just one finger ahead and wave the curtain aside a bit, they will not notice. Mom won’t notice either. Sandy and company. You can’t hide. I don’t mind the costumes, I can feel the stench of their cheap perfumes.
You wish you had one of your own, don’t you? Shut up.
I’m not going down. Definitely not. Will not confront. Not now.
Promise me you won’t.
But what if…?
A second rang.
A step closer to the window. Avoiding that stave in the parquetry, Carrie stretched her body to have a good peep.
Daisy’s doing faces and gestures. Mimicking me, being embarrassed, seen that? No, she can’t do that to me.
Eyes wide open now, Carrie quivered.
Daisy’s grabbed her own arm. Another hit. Various hits over her arms and shoulder.
How sweet my power is.
Oh, please. And don’t move or else you’ll be seen.
The wood creaked.
Hushhh. Mom’s asleep.
I wish they went away.
The bunch of youngsters on the street looked confused and surprised.
Stay still.
The blinds were not drawn.
If I poke just one finger ahead and wave the curtain aside a bit, they will not notice. Mom won’t notice either. Sandy and company. You can’t hide. I don’t mind the costumes, I can feel the stench of their cheap perfumes.
You wish you had one of your own, don’t you? Shut up.
I’m not going down. Definitely not. Will not confront. Not now.
Promise me you won’t.
But what if…?
A second rang.
A step closer to the window. Avoiding that stave in the parquetry, Carrie stretched her body to have a good peep.
Daisy’s doing faces and gestures. Mimicking me, being embarrassed, seen that? No, she can’t do that to me.
Eyes wide open now, Carrie quivered.
Daisy’s grabbed her own arm. Another hit. Various hits over her arms and shoulder.
How sweet my power is.
Oh, please. And don’t move or else you’ll be seen.
The wood creaked.
Hushhh. Mom’s asleep.
I wish they went away.
The bunch of youngsters on the street looked confused and surprised.
Stay still.
----
9 megjegyzés:
I like the conflicted thoughts at the window, especially concerning the parents!
One little suggestion about first lines: avoid the sentence construction something was something. (It was Halloween night.) It's a weak construction, and you definitely want something stronger in the opening line. Maybe, "Carrie watched the trick-or-treaters pass her house. One after another."
The notion of being watched from above is disturbing.
Thanks Jason.
Re: conflicting thoughs.
In fact, I was trying to suggest a split within her head. I think I did not manage it completely to the effect, but if you thought it was an inner conflict, than I did not made a very bad job.
Re: opening lines.
Oh I am ever so thankful for you for telling me this. Those lines were fixed and given by EvilEditor. I did not write them.
Thanks for the hearty laugh I had :)))
Beside the fun I had with answering your thoughts on the first line *still gigles* I do appreciate that you have read through this story of mine. Also the advice about the first line is quite useful for me, too.
Thanks again!
Ooops. That first line was given, huh? Oh well.... (Yeah, that does make my suggestion pretty funny.)
The most ridiculed opening line in the English language is: "It was a dark and stormy night." I'm not sure it deserves the amount of attention it gets, but "it was" sentences are indeed soft.
Soft is good to mix in with otherwise strong sentences, but leading off with one isn't great.
I really like this, especially the first bit. "If I poke just one finger ahead and wave the curtain aside a bit, they will not notice. Mom won’t notice either. Sandy and company. You can’t hide. I don’t mind the costumes, I can feel the stench of their cheap perfumes."
You are such a great writer.
I love this too, Szelsofa. I could feel her conflicted thoughts and insecurity. Very nicely done!
Jason,
yes, yes, pretty funny :)
But anyhow you are right about the necessity of a strong upbeat. I will re-read my short story with this in mind again.
Strugglingwriter,
I'm glad you liked it. I was unsure about the outcome you know...
Church Lady,
Oh, I am pleased! Thank you.
I liked the story. I think you're capturing well what goes on behind those curtains and in her mind. Well done!
Thank you, Vesper.
It seems that focusing on her, instead of the crowd was my intention... even when I was unsure of it while writing...?
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