uhm, take this as an attempt at getting back to where i started: poetry, or rather, attempted poetry.
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you might remember (and i blogged about in on my other, english language blog): the novel i wrote in november 2010 was accepted by one editor and refused by the other. i took part in a virtual writers' course and i guess i learned a lot.
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well, not a lot lot, but just enough to get a distance and see the faults of my writing.
i used to write easily, with all my passion, but with a few important mistakes.
dramaturgy, the drive of characters and the development of a character, or rather, the lack of these are my totally weak points.
now i feel stupefied by all the rules, but i think it is a normal to feel so.
hm.
so, i kind of re-embrace my roots (attempted poetry) to keep the passion alive.
at the same time i started to write a short story with all the rules in mind (to improve my writing).
this second goal does not feel easy because instead of my heart, i have to write with my head.
while i fight allergy with much, or sometimes, less success, we keep on renovatinog our house.
(to be continued)
part ii.
our cells are said to be replaced every seven years.
you change.
sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse - and at times you can do about the changes, urge and help them, at other times you just watch and barely recognize and understand what is going on, and there are times when you analyze and see it all and yet are clueless and helpless. you know it's headed for a not-so-perfect direction.
yet, paralyzed, the best your efforts worth are contemplating.
we are going to see the small piece of land we have on the countryside in an abandoned village.
i wrote a post about the village itself a couple of weeks (months) ago.
this is the first time we are going there as a family, all the four of us.
i hope to see some showers of shooting starts, as there are no public lights (electricity) on the streets there, as the former streets are all reclaimed by grass and bushes.
my photo-camera is broken again :(
i am looking forward to this getaway, no mains, no lights, no running water, no wc, no internet.
in this dream, for the thousand time, i met a situation, a circumstance, something, someone (choose one of your preference) that has been lurking around in my dreams, my everydays, my visions, my emails, my life in the past 10 or so years.
all these years i was well aware that the haunting, the tempting, the wish, the opportunity, the chance was not real.
i did toy with the idea of trying to rush in, of quitting, of swaying, of falling apart, but i remained calm, well, mostly on the outside, with turbulences, whirlwinds, lapses of reasons inside - and kept the status quo.
but no matter the facts, the reactions, the reasoning, the logic, i kept dreaming, having visions and dreams of what ifs, and what if nots.
today the dream was different.
i saw, felt and understood the aforementined something as it always was, or what i always knew it was but was tempted to refuse to see, feel and understand.
yet, for the first time it felt realistic.
it was a palpable, everyday situation.
it might mean i am getting closer to a solution, if any, or to that i am simply closing any future pathways to any chances.
the dream might mean that i have no illusions anymore.
i am still in awe of the depth of the dream. do share any of your thoughts this post has awaken.
the song may or may not represent the feelings of one, or more of the parties involved. basically, i am not crying over anyone, including myself - but a little crying every now and then is relaxing, a must if you like, and listening to kd lang duetting with roy orbison does always good.
i am off for a 5-day tour to Austria and Germany between 12 and 16 July.
we are to pay a short visit to Mondsee near Salzburg, to sing in churches in Aichach and in Augsburg in two different days, and also to have a beer at Weltenburg, and have a boat ride on the Danube.
we are going by bus and i'm taking a traditional notebook and a pen with me - you know... just in case, the muse hits or something.
we will perform G.B. Pergolesi's Stabat Mater, P. Cornelius's Messe in d-minor, and some short pieces by classical German composers like Schumann.
this photo was made before the ice hit and damaged our tomato for good.
about half an hour of storm, with ices of about the size of a small cherry (!) and the whole lot is done.
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on the other hand, i am happily engaged in taking care of a garden, which is kind of a new paid job for me. there won't be much activity to do in the winter, meaning no money as well, though.
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whenever i go to that garden, i get up at 4:30 and get to the garden by 5:00 and work there until 7:00. it gives me a good start for the whole day.
with all this heat around the day i would not be able to work on the sun - but early mornings are just fine.
well, the job i kind of like, kind of hate, but generally is a source of feeling incompetent - isn't that great? is still on.
there are still six more months to go.
we'll just see.
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someone i met in relation to this aforementioned job offered me another job.
we'll get money for it.
we are to take care of a garden, fruit trees, bushes, roses and there are lots of grass to mown.
the garden belongs to an old lady who lives in the capital of Hungary and is unable to do all the work by herself, but whenever she visits her property she wants to see it neat and clean.
that's what we are here for - from now on.
i am excited :)
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pictured below is our 27 year old toyota corolla. we got it 3 months ago, from friends, for use for unlimited time.
i had some hard time finding the true motive to write it at all - a task given at a virtual writers' course is just not an internal motive, for me it is not.
i usually write when i feel i have to.
so, i had some difficulties starting the writing at all and i knew it did not come out that good.
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i received suggestions from my course-mates towards re-composing the story.
this night we had a slight recurring frost. it was minus 3 degrees centigrade. with all the cherry and apricot trees in blossom, this is not a promising fact at all :(
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yesterday we were hiking in the Pilis mountains. here is one photo of the beauties of spring around there. the mountains have special flora and fauna.
this one is an Adonis vernalis, otherwise known as the pheasant's eye.
this post is a follow up to the post below. basically it is about my job, and the way i feel about it.
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in the past few month i had the questionable fortune to experience being incompetent, being received with expectation, being slightly and friendly, but definitely reprimanded.
oh, yes, i did not gave my best performance.
not having felt fit and competent was my excuse.
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for me, it was not unusual to return home from the weekly meetings crying and/or feeling abandoned and utterly separated.
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i was shifted from position to position.
this was a positive sign.
my co-workers wanted to keep me.
while knowing i was of not much use, they wanted me.
they wanted to keep me for two reasons.
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the grant is binding. there is a chance to change employees, but doing so requires lots of administrative work.
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they know me. they know i can work, but the job they selected for me just does not fit me.
which is exactly the case.
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my co-workers are great :)
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and yes, now i am on another position: sales.
my tasks involve, but not limited to organizing a local shop.
inviting local producers as suppliers.
fighting bureaucracy and stupid regulations.
creating an attractive shop online as well.
i am not alone in this.
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our salary, and marketing costs are provided by the project until December, 2012.
it is our responsibility to create something that is sustainable
on the long term.
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photo is coming from tinybuddha dot com. i am new to that page, but got a liking to it by the first sight. :)
the business i am in at the moment started about in 2006 as a friendly, careful, thoughtful, but illegal business: with families, friends. all they wanted was better food for their children in the school. so they started cooking at home and served some of the kids right at the school.
(it is the same school my son attended for one and half year)
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by 2010 these friends started to work together on a grant to make the kitchen legal.
the roles have already been set. there were people to organize, people to transport, people to cook.
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since my son no longer attends the school i was not aware of the events. not until late october 2011.
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finally, the grant was issued and they needed someone for one special post.
these people were eager and determined to find someone for a special position and they found me, an old friend of most of the people involved.
three other people have declined the post, but i accepted.
in a certain sense, i saved them, and they, that is we, were able to start the one year journey.
okay, i joined the team early november in 2011.
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eversince november 2011 we have been busy keeping our heads above the water. the tasks are sometimes unclear, but the community, yes, there is a community among my team-mates, is supportive.
in the post i have not been the best. not even near the best i could have been.
i did not feel involved.
i did not feel the job matched me. i felt uncomfortable. - but now... :) - to be continued :)
right now i am writing letters of recommendations for myself, on behalf of two of my former/current employers. i am to apply a new job. at the moment i do have my present job, although i did switch duties. i no longer work in the management, i kind of 'fell', and i can not tell how happy i am with that decision :) the new job that is on the horizon is a receptionist at a local hotel. actually it is quite near (about 10 minutes' walk) to where i live. there are many applicants and the job interviews will be next week.
the large publishing house, yes, the one that had the novel contest is starting a course for writers. it is a virtual one. editors and aspiring authors do not actually meet, but the curiculum is tailored to each and every writer's needs. actually this personal kind of training is a great and promising feature about the course. there will be tasks and lectures on various aspects of writing. -
the bottom line? is that the course sounded great, but due to the high fee, was out of my reach.
a couple of days ago, three writers who took part in the novel contest were selected to enter the course free of any charge.
guess what, i am one of them. i can't tell you just how excited i am. - i will surely let you know about some details as the course commences. - and this is how i feel right now - photo taken with due consideration from here
one of them is crying - i am to loose my job within a couple of days, or weeks.
the other one is laughing - i am free again.
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'one of my eyes is crying and the other one is laughing' goes the Hungarian proverb to describe a situation you feel ambiguous about. when things may look depressive from one perspective, but promising from another one.
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more about the situation later... things are still a-changing.
there are things going around, things i can not put my fingers on - my job, my relationships, my future, and the same applies to my husband as well: our future, our jobs and so on.
there is something i can not define.
a change i may or may not anticipate and/or measure up in advance.
i tend to feel tired one moment and relaxed the other.
i feel contended and 'just at the right place and time' one moment and i have this feeling of 'i am helplessly lost' the other.
is it just that i am growing older, or is it something else?
i am not that very young, but i am physically fit, and before anyone suggests, it is not menopausa already. heehee:)
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i would like to write about it.
but at the moment i can't.
the bugger.
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have a nice day, y'all - and remember to leave your handprints in the comments'. thanks. :))
i want to tell you something about where and how we live.
our small family (i, my husband and two kids) lives in a somewhat small town. our neighhbours are fantastic. we have a great, helping community around us. my husband has a local job and i, as of december 2011, also have a local job - which means that we do not commute to get the money we want.
our kids attend the local high school, in grades 5 (i think this corresponds to the american 'junior high' and 9.
we have a nice house with no bank loans upon it and it is almost ready. a few touches here and there and it is a dream house. like.. the bathroom needs some plastering and tiling done, the living rooms needs some painting done... but everything is up and running.
we have a great garden, which is more diverse than any other garden around us, we have shade, sull sunshine, flat areas and slope lands, a garden for veggies, some fruit trees and lawn big enough to play ball games, and a small yard to keep some chicken in.
according to the average garden size in a suburban area like ours in hungary, the area of our garden is considered large.
what is missing here, you may ask.
land, and some more land i reply.
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and now we have it.
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the land we bought two days ago, meaning now it is offially ours, is about one and a half times bigger than the one we live on.
not a big deal, one may say.
the piece of land we have bought is about 150 kms away.
pardon me, you may exclaim.
and i will detail the reasons behind this seemingly random and stupid idea.
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the quality of the soil over there is one of the bests in hungary. it is truly a great soil to produce any vegetable or fruit. the area has lots of sun.
our soil here on the other hand is not really suitable for most of the veggies.
okay, you grow tomatoes, or apples, or whatever is suited here and buy the rest on the farmers market, what a big deal, you may argue.
well, if i want to sustain myself, without any support from outside, i reply, i do need a soil that is fertile.
and how on earth are you going to produce those veggies some 150 kms away from where you have an established position, you may ask again.
well, the time may come, i start, when there will be no markets, no shops to buy groceries in, no jobs, no gasoline. cities will die. people will either eat or be eaten.
c'mon, you can't be one of those deluded believers of a 2012 apocalypse, you cry with astonishment.
no, i remain calm, i do not support that agenda.
than for what, you are beginning to loose patience.
you just never know, i say, what the future will bring. one day, one of our kids might decide to stay in the city and have a job there. and i, we, will be happy to live in the countryside with ducks and goats and all.
if that is what wou wish for, you seem to give up on me, with a sigh.
i don't know, i smile back at you, let's call it a possibility.
okay, now, can you show me photos, you ask in a tired voice.
here, here, watch this video below, i say.
the video is a random video about the village. it is not my job. our particular piece of land is not portrayed. i put this video up so as to get a vision of what it looks like now. actually, there are 15 houses, in various states of decay. ours is one of those that are quite in a good shape. still, you can not move in as it is. about the video: at 2:00: the catholic church at 3:00: a local woman, she is not living there anymore at 4:50 the local school, now abandoned
she watches you rising from sleep in the morning. she lets you look at her getting dressed. she hands over the butter at the table. she turns the water-heater on. she waves goodbye at the busstop. she meets you early in the evening. she kisses you and you kiss her. you kiss her and she kisses you. she readjusts the shirt you are wearing. she puts the empty plates into the machine. she draws the curtains. she finds the pair of socks for you. she eats the chocolates you brought her. she nests by your shoulder as she dozes off unconscious.
another day is coming. just another day. just another day.
this is, once again, a writing fuelled by a dream. i guess it is my subconscious sending me soothing messages again. i dreamt about him and her, and it was like dreaming about eating a sandwich.
it is the mundane that we find the hardest to accommodate to.
it is just another day, after all.
photo courtesy of introspectrum dot_blog_dot_com/
i suggest you visit Jason's great poetry right here.
február 08, 2012
howl along! this short video is a reminder. i would like to ask you to visit my other blog. check the news on the two latest posts. thank you.
február 04, 2012
cat in the woods, i used to walk alone, wondering at crossroads, returning to the heap of leaves from yesteryear under the old oak watching the days oozing by.
cat in the woods, i used to walk alone, hearing no-one, listening to the moss growing on the bark, talking to no-one, saying prayers in the night.
- this may or may not continue :) i enjoyed writing it, and i hope you liked it, too :) the photo is lovely, anyway.
darkness settled.
she left the laptop on and toured the house to draw the curtains.
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her face had more wrinkles now, in the evening, than it did in the morning. or was it the other way around? she sighed and left the bathroom. today she wrote more characters than usual. she was content with the progress.
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mindlessly laying the kitchen table for dinner, she wondered about the way she needed to incorporate the words of the interwieved women into the body of the writing.
she lifted the napkin holder and pulled out four.
she used to hum songs just to amuse herself, but not today.
her hands were weary, her eyelids heavy.
four plates, there.
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that was when the phone rang.
it reminded her of work, so she made a few hesitant steps forward.
her daughter passed it to her hands.
unknown caller.
she moved to the office and pushed the receiver button: 'hi, you have reached Rebecca Hahn.' - her voice sounded plain.
'hi, Becca.'
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her heart skipped a beat. it's been almost two years.
'we have just read one of your articles. we were surfing the net for keeping chicken and yours was the second or third best one on the subject.'
you...we, stress on the 'we', oh, we 'oh, you did, huh, really, thanks.'
'so, we have been pondering about keeping some of our own, you know and thought that we should seek you for advice'
and you never called. 'uhm, why, of course, yes?'
a few minutes later the call ended and she collapsed onto a chair.
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time passed on.
changing excited tips, her kids were busy chasing virtual enemies.
the front door opened.
her husband arrived.
'hi, how was your day?' - he addressed his words towards the office. she leaned against the door.
'uhm, i almost finished the article on pruning.'
her husband stepped forward and caressed her hair.
'you look tired, dear.'
'i am. i worked a lot.' - she answered and headed for the kitchen.
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photo credits go to http://debosmita.files.wordpress.com
we have been warned, for years and years on and on.
one of our friends said the apocalypse would take place in February 2008.
guess what, we are still here.
well, i never believed in any sort of war/zombie-type apocalypse.
but the more i experience in politics, in human behaviour, in natural studies, the more i am inclined to believe in at least a slight hiccup - when there would be no more electricity, supermarkets, central water and sewer system, no more public transport or media of any kind.
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there are less and less jobs.
people are forced to eat junk. do useless jobs.
this just can not go on.
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we have to hold on to what we actually have.
each other.
we need to slow down and reevaluate things, relationships. the weight and true importance of these things in our lives.
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like i plan to print all my writings. to have them on paper.
i might as well use them to start a fire to prevent us from freezing.
i might as well read them to my grandchildren.
just in case.
i do not want to leave the world without leaving any marks.
i want my thoughts on paper.
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these are the thoughts my mind is occupied with these days.
if i had one word to describe 2011 - that would be 'calm'.
if i had some more... i would say: a year of accomplishments, some new challenges and peace.
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while i experienced some personal, family and friend-related emotional turmoil in 2006, 2007, 2009 and 2010, this year was calm.
nothing outstandingly good or bad happened. life was kind of relaxed. we had plans to follow, we had a definite need for peace and understanding and we did everything we had to to achieve that.
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highlights of 2011 include, but not limited to:
both my kids passed the entrance exam for a good high school with good marks (april)
the women's choir had two performances in finland (may)
the writers's group published an anthology in which i have two poems and two short stories (june)
i had my dental implants set for good good (late june)
a canoe adventure with friends (august)
i have a permanent job (as of december)
the novel i wrote passed round one in a rounds of selection, where the winners get published (december)
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at i type these lines with a fun evening ahead of us (we are planning to have lots of games this new year's eve, such as board games, activity and the like....) i also contemplate the role of blogging in my life.
the frequency of posts this year reflects the calmness of the year.
(i have not written that much poetry or short stories, either.)
but does any of us remember the era of memes? when a blogger asked like 5 questions, interviewed her/himself and by tagging someone else, passed the game along?
do bloggers still play it?
would you care to play it this time, again?
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this meme has the following questions:
1-
name at least three events of 2011 that made you feel proud, happy, or competent
i've just learned from Jason's site that the blog i saw lighting fall has a shared storytelling event this Christmas. i think i'm already late with this story... the aim was to put it up by Christmas night. the two other conditions were the following:
1-there should be exactly one hundred words.
2-the story should definitely hit a certain factor of creepyness, but the writer is free to write anything.
Gy.F. was unfortunately released shortly after being arrested. his calling his detention an 'absurdity' is a clear reference to 'absurdistan', a name liberal and cynical people often call our country. i think our former prime minister should have been arrested much earlier.
like back in 2006.
what happened in october 2006?
according to the article, people were rioting.
according to the liar (aka Gy.F.), the police was ordered to not harm the protestants.
(i already sense some incongruency here...)
and the fact is something else. as per usual when you are dealing with news from hungary... :(
today, there was about a 40-something crowd playing the democracy card in front of the building of the national parliament. the police made them go away by courting them away.
some of them were taken to jail for a couple of hours.
and that is all.
back in 2006, hundreds of onlookers and peaceful protestors, including the elderly, were abused by the police. water bombs, gas sprays, whatever. there were some serious injuries, like the loss of eyesight. i think i did posted about it. i am still quite outraged about it.
today these young what-not-else-the-world-is-ours liberal politicians, chain themselves to each other and the police guides them away.
and voila, our former pm appears, joins the party to place just another hit on his opposite, Orbán.
why? i was so happy with the former type of settings. i kept receiving messages about the *new*, *updated version* of blogger. with some misbelief, i kept saying no. the new version was not installed. i was kind of happy. until this very day, when the usual settings disappeared. i was FORCED to try this new version - and this is just exactly how the system takes control. blah. i wish i had the chance... no. i'm already eaten. :(
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