I started this blog more than a year ago. I started it in Hungarian, for it was of no question for me. This language has always been the primary way of expression for me. This is how I absorb rhymes and poetry in general this is where the words crumble like a good piece of bread in your mouth - you feel each particle and get nourished by the compound as well. Never in my life have I expected to be able to feel the same way towards any other language. Cause those are secondary ones.
I had a somehow painful flick with Spanish for a while and had some times learning German too, but the list of my secondary languages, composed of only three languages is and has always been topped off by English.
I never thought I would be able to write in English and by writing I mean something that has meaning beyond words, something that not unlike to a dress covers and reveals, plays with you and comforts you.
I sometimes am surprised by what I am able to 'produce' in this second language of mine... I am sometimes mad at not being able to do something similar in the language I adore the most... as if from time to time I abandoned my husband for a lover, and kept returning home....and each time I enjoy the flirt...
yet feeling somehow...misplaced.
I, just today translated a poem a friend wrote.
I felt the need because I felt the poem so much it came under my skin instantly.
But I did not write it...did I?
I admit having done some alterations to the text, but you know how it goes with translation. It's not the words you translate its the meaning.
I am unsure.
Why am I not able to use my beloved first language for expressing myself?
Is this an excuse to escape from reality?
I think I'm going to gulp down some good Hungarian poetry.
Cheers.
Your opinion are welcomed.
6 megjegyzés:
I know EXACTLY how you feel. Finnish is my mother tongue, the language I've spoken all my life, except for the past few years when I've lived in the US (and even now I speak it daily with family and friends). Yet, my muse only comes to me in English - I've felt like "a race traitor" - how can I not honor my own language with the thoughts of my soul? I do a lot of translations Finnish-English and English-Finnish, but I am not able to create in Finnish. why do you think we are locked in such a way? What a fascinating topic. I hope someone has thoughts and answers on this topic, I'm dying to hear.
Yes, that is an issue that has been around in my thoughts for a while and I was happy to hear the same feelings from someone else. The expression 'race traitor' tells it all.
So.
One of my solutions to the question is that when I was younger and read a lot of poetry and other literature I was astonished by the effect it had on me and by the flawless use of words and expressions (speaking of GOOD literature, of course). I adored the talent of these people who were able to surprise and enchant me simply with putting the right letters into the right order.
I came to the solid conclusion that this is something I would never be able to imitate.
I did try, however. Being a silent, shy and awkward teenager I wrote *coughs* poetry or something along the meaning of the word 'poetry'.
By the time I grew up I became convinced that I can not handle my language (that is my native language) in the way those poets and writers can.
continued:
That inner conviction might be a locker. Being a perfectionist I feel I might not be able to even reach up to the level I feel worth trying.
my dear, you express yourself so well and so eloquently... language can be a barrier but also can be such a liberation when you are able to see the forms and meanings behind the words, which you can adjust to your own language field and to others, depending on circumstance...
you write well, you garble syntax and use the wrong words but you still convey exactly what you want and/or need to say... in exactly the same ways you would do with your next door neighbour who hardly knows what your life looks like... the real world is half a globe away, or perhaps half a sentence... who knows...
keep well... be well...
my dear, you express yourself so well and so eloquently... language can be a barrier but also can be such a liberation when you are able to see the forms and meanings behind the words, which you can adjust to your own language field and to others, depending on circumstance...
you write well, you garble syntax and use the wrong words but you still convey exactly what you want and/or need to say... in exactly the same ways you would do with your next door neighbour who hardly knows what your life looks like... the real world is half a globe away, perhaps half a street or perhaps half a sentence... who knows...
keep well... be well...
Oh, Bart, thanks.
I've just read your comment today.
Everyone is an island in this sense and it is very hard to reach out if we prefer thinking that words, every words has a different ringing in the next person's head. It makes communication useless and pointless. So I decided to give it a try anyhow and voile, I sometimes DO manage to get myself through all the barriers.
Thanks agains and please do come back anytime you have time to correct my use of language :)
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