A dilemma - LONG POST

Below are my ponderings about a group I am about to leave, and about my feelings about that. You can skip and go below to that nice shot of a sky in between late-winter storms. Or rather, are they early spring storms? Does it amaze you how much a change in definition matters?

I added some photos I made on our National Holiday 15 March in our capital, Budapest in 2006.

---

This is a local women's group and was established in 2003. It was aimed at helping women of the area. One of the founders was a friend of mine, a married woman with two kids. I joined the group because the idea seemed fun, but most of all, the idea of helping and self-helping seemed fantastic.

-

The nature of help involved giving advice about getting jobs, organising events where women of all age were able to get know more about their feminine side and about their rigths in their working place, about suitable places to go with a toddler....all sorts of things. It felt like fun. And a very useful fun at that.

-

But most of all, it was about a community. An email group, but not just a virtual one. Members of the Board, among where I used to belong then, met regularly and decided about the next step.

-

Then came autumn of 2004 when I was offered a job. I was already working but our company won some money and we extended our activities. I chose to work for money for something I adored over for voluntarily for something I also adored. I do not regret my step - and I tend to think I had no other choice. My boss was asking me something. I think it's quite obvious.

-

Doing that paid job meant I had to step back from the women's organisation. I remained a member, but not an active one. I attended meetings but my mind was occupied.

-

The paid job was over a year later and my mind was still a bit tired. Also, I felt myself getting involved in other subjects.

-
I began to see women and men equal, and different at the same time; not by laws of man, but laws of nature. I know it may sound weird. I begun to see that their role were different in this world and that it was rightly so. Also I felt myself getting involved in politics. In a certain way - I never joined or supported any party in any way. But there were movements I liked and sympathized with. I, approaching the age of *coughs* 35-40 have sort of settled in my views.

Which does not mean I'm not open to new ideas. And also, that I'm impeccable. - Not the least.

It's just that I have my own opinion.

-

When I returned to the organisation, I found some changes.

Some of the members were sort of disowned and repelled.

Some just plain left the organisation.

Some others have taken the Board.

-

The good thing?

The group grew bigger and had more influence. There were many courses and events organised and/or held for women. There were and still are serious achievements made by the group - including, but not limited to installing a babychanging facility in one of the public buildings of our town, handing out annual awards for shops/facilities for being child-friendly, lobbying for a special fee for mothers with children on state vehicles (this one failed, unfortunately), starting a film-club, launching a weekly club for toddlers). The group has it's effect now at town level.

-

The bad thing?

Well...

This organisation keeps repeating that it has a no-religion, no-politics, no-marketing, no-offense policy. This is part of their image.

Which is a lie.

They label certain groups as 'unwanted' and 'extremists' and well, if I had to choose where to raise a flag, I'd certainly be on those people's side.

-

The same goes to having become gender-focused and strongly feminist. Back in the early days, gender issues, feminism was hardly, if ever, mentioned. Now it's out in large print, as the group has come out openly as an advocate of feminism.

-

There were signs back those days....I ignored them for the sake of community. I suppressed my inner dislike of how members were thinking, because being in a community meant that much to me.

I recall meetings when I was just listening to their voices, not really caring about the meaning - for if I had done, I would have surely been outraged.

And yes, I was outraged at times. I told myself to quit, and I stayed. I stayed partly because they valued me. Not my views in particular, but it seemed that everyone liked me, as a person. I was labelled as an extremist in politics, environmental and family issues, but they did like me and I am convinced they still do.

-

So, there was I - being loved by a community toward which the attachment I felt was weakening by the hours. I was feeling less and and less useful. They asked for my advice, but I hardly gave any because those I had was of no use for them. Although I did speak up for some traditional values and views, I refrained from tough criticism of their feminism. I kept that for myself.

-

The situation is now clear for me: I am a member of a group I can no longer help. My views are unacceptable there. Their views are, most of the times, unacceptable for me. I do not want my name associated with the group anymore. I do not belong to them.

This feeling hit me hard about some months ago - and I was waiting for the occassion.

Do you think it is time I quitted?

Do I sound stupid for clinging to a community?

Thanks for listening.